December usually calls for a period of intense writing. This year, things seem to be a little different from the previous years.
No harm in breaking the usual protocols. Taiwan trip 2010 was awesome- three days in the mountains (and one freezing night w/o heating) led to two nights at Taipei's night markets and one nasty cold back to Singapore. The takeaways from the trip too were bountiful. Apart from the usual boxes of biscuits and snacks, there was time to sit down, relax over a cup of coffee, and meditate on a rock.
What really got in was the message of the pace of living. The tour guide had made it an elaborate point to try to make the entire tour as fuss-free and easy going as possible. And there we saw the calmer, more relaxing side of Taiwan we'll probably never see on a free and easy to Taipei. I remember there was this question : "We don't know what we're rushing for" raised on the last day. I had not paid much attention to the question then, but immediately after I touched down in Singapore 7 hours later, I guess I was caught in full blast of it.
First thing during touchdown must check email for updates, then must go on Facebook (its something like a 2nd nature for me) and see how Singapore has progressed while I was MIA. The next morning, start the day with arranging meet ups with various groups of friends to eat sun biscuits and celebrate Christmas. Leave the house shortly after to kick-start the first meeting, and come back only at 10pm at night.
December 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th. Unpacking only completed on the 27th, my jacket smelled like a sewer when I finally took it out.
Yet the meetings were fun, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.
So no time to write. Well, its not as if writing was something I was made to do, but definitely there is still that little element of 'something's missing' when something that has been done for 10 years was discontinued. No short poems, no long-winded narratives, no emotional dairy posts or expository essays. These works, usually done in silence in the corner of my room, are now replaced by the funk of meeting new people, going to new places, doing interesting stuff, and experiencing Christmas as a community. Strictly speaking, nothing's really lost- even if I am seemingly rushing like what the tour guide has said. I guess what really makes a difference is that we're rushing for something meaningful to us and others, anxious for goodness, rather than simply rushing for the sake of rushing.
Beans.
Well then, what lies ahead is module biddings and the new year. I am still quite quacked by the prospect of 2011, but I guess extensive abrupt changes are exciting, sultry, and irresistible (no puns intended). Till then, have yourself a merry little Christmas, and do hang a shining star upon the highest bough yah?
27 December 2010
13 December 2010
A retreat in communion
Before I start, there has been this great debate within if this post could ever be written out. I wanted to write a post on the CSS retreat ever since the day before yesterday, yet I was just too tired to make it before the second paragraph. Yesterday was an entire day out with a greater exposure to western graphic novels. Today is stay-in day, I'll be heading down to IMH for CAW meeting at six, and I'll be leaving for Taiwan tomorrow.
In the past I would usually post a triad of three questions: "What have I gained, what have I lost, and what has changed ultimately?" these questions had been designed for me to reflect on the events that happened over the past few days, and from there see how it is possible to make more meaningful changes so as to improve. These questions are good I guess, however today I would like to slightly tweak shift the focus of these questions from merely on how I feel, to include other people as well.
Personally these few days had been nothing short of 'life-changing'. The retreat from the 9th-11th December was something I would testify as meaningful, despite the little technical difficulties that we had encountered along the way. I was not in the organizing committee, so I guess I am not in a position to comment on how much a success this retreat was in comparison to other retreats of similar kind. I was, in His grace, a facilitator for a small group. There were eight people (including two facils) within, and this is where my journey truly began.
I guess 'self-centeredness' was something I could describe myself over the past few years. I had always backpacked that attitude of self-serving ideology wherever I went, and beyond the cool insight and sense of poetic justice what lay beneath was just a shell of indifference, distance and introversion. That attitude had followed me straight into day 0- and I remembered giving a rather lukewarm answer when my friends asked me how I felt about the (then) upcoming camp. There was a briefing on the agendas and tonality of the retreat, and then a demonstrating session on the MAGiS circle. I felt slightly more excited after that, but that was nothing close in comparison to true Joy.
Day 1 started off with slightly more apprehension. I was not ready for this retreat myself, I kept telling myself, let alone make room in my heart for others. Ice breakers and games were fun and everybody enjoyed it. I looked forward to the talks, hoped they were congruent with those theories I came up before, so that I could 'throw in the bomb' during sharing sessions and turn it into some deranged PH1101E session and do justice to myself. That was how it had been, I kept telling myself, that was how I have always been: Another experience to go by with nothing gained and everything lost, and at the end of the day see that nothing has changed ultimately. But I was foolish then, and the Lord had other plans.
What happened afterwards was really out of my control. I did not actively plan (as expected) on what to say specifically during the evening sharing session. And I still did not understand what led me to state that "let this not be a competition of ideas, on how intelligent it sounds, or how well we can express ourselves; but rather a simple, personal yet meaningful session where we may testify our experiences with God and from there grow together..." My group took over from that point, and everybody shared beautifully. Day one came and went, and in relief I retired for the night.
What happened in day 2 was queer. There was this inner prompting to leave it all to the Spirit in trust, and after the morning reflection session I was no longer making plans but actually following plans: God's plan, we realized later. I did not gain the intellectual insight I expected from the sessions from the speakers, yet I was no longer restless nor exceedingly expectant. It was as though my will had completely vanished- that will I had always wielded to 'make my stand' in this 'world of adversity' . Perhaps I had gone soft in the knees, or perhaps I am starting to believe in sunflowers, rainbows and kittens- No. The afternoon session came, and that was really the turning point of everything.
Perhaps it was the briefing we had after lunch by the organizing committee on the shift in agendas for this retreat, and perhaps it was something my co-facil said to me after that. She stated that she was not really expecting something personal for this retreat (something I had always been hoping) but rather really wanted to help facilitate for the sake of helping. Perhaps it was the theme of this camp on reconciliation, unity, communion and service. Or perhaps it was the very personal (and meaningful) stories that came from my group during the past two sharing sessions that told me that everybody too has a struggle for reconciliation which is real and equally dire to my own. These promptings, adding on to the sharing sessions of will, personality and expectations, brought me to understand that I was here not because of my own problems only, but because I am a part of community I never truly recognized as my own. It is not an obligation, but an imperative to thus see beyond myself, all those self-serving theories, and my highly idealistic concepts of true love; and move on towards showing actual concern. Moreover, this is something I can never achieve on my own free will, but only when I have submitted my will to His higher will may I have the grace to see beyond myself in the first place.
I am never sure how I managed to facilitate the last session. I don't think I did say anything particularly impressive, but we talked and that was all it mattered for me. Some of the quieter members shared very personal anecdotes we all felt elated for each other. We gave encouragement to each other, and we all could relate to each other. Facilitator or participant, seniority or faculty, service or reception- it all didn't matter anymore. None but a pure unadulterated conviction to reconcile and reunite- be it within oneself, with others, or with Him.
I ran for the sacrament of reconciliation immediately after benediction. Six months of reservedness did not stop me. Nothing could I guess, yet this will is not mine to make.
Yet it was day three that got me thinking. The slight disagreement on the six words for the community epitomized that reconciliation and communion is not merely this one-off experience, but an ongoing journey with its struggles. The question of concrete words, in contrasted with abstract ideals, mirrored the innate struggle. The outcome on what happened exactly was not important. What mattered I guess is that as long as we're all consciously trying to live out this ideal, by real actions of mercy and forgiveness and love, what lies beyond then will not be a question of possibility or feasibility, but eventuality.
So back to the three fundamental questions.
In retrospect, what I have lost on face value was immense- I lost a lifestyle I had proudly labelled as 'my-own', all the castles I had built upon my ego, the expectations I had, and the man-made-church attitudes that accompanied with the trophies. I stashed my writings and campaign (projects) carefully back into the drawer- not in an attempt to obliviate my heritage, but to ensure I do not become too wallowed in these materials they become the center of my life. On a deeper level, what I really lost was selfishness and indifference, I am not so certain as to stating I'll lose them for good, but as much as possible, and by His grace, i'll try not to (sin) again.
What have I gained? Friends would be too much a face-value statement. Communion on the other hand would be too abstract (accurate though). So I guess what I really acquired is actually both, I hope that they too will see the same, and so in this way what I have gained this retreat is no longer that self centered realization or enlightenment but truly a shared journey. (Not that we can't expect personal consolation from Him, but to each his own, and I guess His call for me is to stop looking within and start looking out for others too). Not forgetting the vertical dimension of things and the sacrament of reconciliation, those too were awesome. Now how cool can this get?
I don't think I can answer the last question for now. I am not the measure of things, so in a way I am never qualified to objectively gauge how much things have change for the better (hopefully not worse). I'll leave this question to whomever around me: new or old friends, and ultimately back up to the Lord. As much as I know, I am still a journey in the process, still self actualizing, still in reconciliation and reunion (and reaffirmation), yet as much as possible, trying to realize all of the above into meaningful thoughts, words and actions. And by His grace, and the support of those around me, with the meaningful lessons I have derived from this retreat, live on, love on, and of course, rock on.
In the past I would usually post a triad of three questions: "What have I gained, what have I lost, and what has changed ultimately?" these questions had been designed for me to reflect on the events that happened over the past few days, and from there see how it is possible to make more meaningful changes so as to improve. These questions are good I guess, however today I would like to slightly tweak shift the focus of these questions from merely on how I feel, to include other people as well.
Personally these few days had been nothing short of 'life-changing'. The retreat from the 9th-11th December was something I would testify as meaningful, despite the little technical difficulties that we had encountered along the way. I was not in the organizing committee, so I guess I am not in a position to comment on how much a success this retreat was in comparison to other retreats of similar kind. I was, in His grace, a facilitator for a small group. There were eight people (including two facils) within, and this is where my journey truly began.
I guess 'self-centeredness' was something I could describe myself over the past few years. I had always backpacked that attitude of self-serving ideology wherever I went, and beyond the cool insight and sense of poetic justice what lay beneath was just a shell of indifference, distance and introversion. That attitude had followed me straight into day 0- and I remembered giving a rather lukewarm answer when my friends asked me how I felt about the (then) upcoming camp. There was a briefing on the agendas and tonality of the retreat, and then a demonstrating session on the MAGiS circle. I felt slightly more excited after that, but that was nothing close in comparison to true Joy.
Day 1 started off with slightly more apprehension. I was not ready for this retreat myself, I kept telling myself, let alone make room in my heart for others. Ice breakers and games were fun and everybody enjoyed it. I looked forward to the talks, hoped they were congruent with those theories I came up before, so that I could 'throw in the bomb' during sharing sessions and turn it into some deranged PH1101E session and do justice to myself. That was how it had been, I kept telling myself, that was how I have always been: Another experience to go by with nothing gained and everything lost, and at the end of the day see that nothing has changed ultimately. But I was foolish then, and the Lord had other plans.
What happened afterwards was really out of my control. I did not actively plan (as expected) on what to say specifically during the evening sharing session. And I still did not understand what led me to state that "let this not be a competition of ideas, on how intelligent it sounds, or how well we can express ourselves; but rather a simple, personal yet meaningful session where we may testify our experiences with God and from there grow together..." My group took over from that point, and everybody shared beautifully. Day one came and went, and in relief I retired for the night.
What happened in day 2 was queer. There was this inner prompting to leave it all to the Spirit in trust, and after the morning reflection session I was no longer making plans but actually following plans: God's plan, we realized later. I did not gain the intellectual insight I expected from the sessions from the speakers, yet I was no longer restless nor exceedingly expectant. It was as though my will had completely vanished- that will I had always wielded to 'make my stand' in this 'world of adversity' . Perhaps I had gone soft in the knees, or perhaps I am starting to believe in sunflowers, rainbows and kittens- No. The afternoon session came, and that was really the turning point of everything.
Perhaps it was the briefing we had after lunch by the organizing committee on the shift in agendas for this retreat, and perhaps it was something my co-facil said to me after that. She stated that she was not really expecting something personal for this retreat (something I had always been hoping) but rather really wanted to help facilitate for the sake of helping. Perhaps it was the theme of this camp on reconciliation, unity, communion and service. Or perhaps it was the very personal (and meaningful) stories that came from my group during the past two sharing sessions that told me that everybody too has a struggle for reconciliation which is real and equally dire to my own. These promptings, adding on to the sharing sessions of will, personality and expectations, brought me to understand that I was here not because of my own problems only, but because I am a part of community I never truly recognized as my own. It is not an obligation, but an imperative to thus see beyond myself, all those self-serving theories, and my highly idealistic concepts of true love; and move on towards showing actual concern. Moreover, this is something I can never achieve on my own free will, but only when I have submitted my will to His higher will may I have the grace to see beyond myself in the first place.
I am never sure how I managed to facilitate the last session. I don't think I did say anything particularly impressive, but we talked and that was all it mattered for me. Some of the quieter members shared very personal anecdotes we all felt elated for each other. We gave encouragement to each other, and we all could relate to each other. Facilitator or participant, seniority or faculty, service or reception- it all didn't matter anymore. None but a pure unadulterated conviction to reconcile and reunite- be it within oneself, with others, or with Him.
I ran for the sacrament of reconciliation immediately after benediction. Six months of reservedness did not stop me. Nothing could I guess, yet this will is not mine to make.
Yet it was day three that got me thinking. The slight disagreement on the six words for the community epitomized that reconciliation and communion is not merely this one-off experience, but an ongoing journey with its struggles. The question of concrete words, in contrasted with abstract ideals, mirrored the innate struggle. The outcome on what happened exactly was not important. What mattered I guess is that as long as we're all consciously trying to live out this ideal, by real actions of mercy and forgiveness and love, what lies beyond then will not be a question of possibility or feasibility, but eventuality.
So back to the three fundamental questions.
In retrospect, what I have lost on face value was immense- I lost a lifestyle I had proudly labelled as 'my-own', all the castles I had built upon my ego, the expectations I had, and the man-made-church attitudes that accompanied with the trophies. I stashed my writings and campaign (projects) carefully back into the drawer- not in an attempt to obliviate my heritage, but to ensure I do not become too wallowed in these materials they become the center of my life. On a deeper level, what I really lost was selfishness and indifference, I am not so certain as to stating I'll lose them for good, but as much as possible, and by His grace, i'll try not to (sin) again.
What have I gained? Friends would be too much a face-value statement. Communion on the other hand would be too abstract (accurate though). So I guess what I really acquired is actually both, I hope that they too will see the same, and so in this way what I have gained this retreat is no longer that self centered realization or enlightenment but truly a shared journey. (Not that we can't expect personal consolation from Him, but to each his own, and I guess His call for me is to stop looking within and start looking out for others too). Not forgetting the vertical dimension of things and the sacrament of reconciliation, those too were awesome. Now how cool can this get?
I don't think I can answer the last question for now. I am not the measure of things, so in a way I am never qualified to objectively gauge how much things have change for the better (hopefully not worse). I'll leave this question to whomever around me: new or old friends, and ultimately back up to the Lord. As much as I know, I am still a journey in the process, still self actualizing, still in reconciliation and reunion (and reaffirmation), yet as much as possible, trying to realize all of the above into meaningful thoughts, words and actions. And by His grace, and the support of those around me, with the meaningful lessons I have derived from this retreat, live on, love on, and of course, rock on.
06 December 2010
Restricted
Dawn is approaching, advent onsets.
Today I will not mention times and dates. Today I will not cross refer to past campaigns, collaborative projects, personal achievements or halcyonic experiences. Today I will not consider the aggregate of characteristics that I had always wield to define who I truly am. Simply speaking, today there ought to be nothing separating what I truly feel, be, and what is to become of this post.
Isn't it curious how things that are supposedly free can actually backfire and restrict you instead? Writing was my sense of freedom, and to this day lingers as the primary avenue of expression. Yet as the vocabulary developed the writing became more and more flowery. Simple reflections become easy-sounding excerpts, to excerpts of information, to academic writings. The original thoughts never come out properly, and the original purpose of these excerpts became obscured. Even as I type these words today I still face this disease; this unwanted by-product of my writing-style. No, they shall not carry on. I define the words I type.
And writing is just an example.
What is the real problem? Well, in truth it isn't exactly a problem to be solved. But neither is this a pointless rant of injustice. The issue is that I am in every way restricted to the person I ought to be, or at least, wish to be. I know this sounds hopeless, neurotic, and 'cheem' again. I do not ask for pardon in introspection this time- there is nothing to be ashamed of. The reason why this blog exists is primarily because of my innate need to reflect, and if I were to honeycomb my words even in this space and put on a facade that all is sunflowers and rainbows there will be no more reason to carry on this blog.
Yes, I am an idealist- not an idealist for objective truth (that is not my cup of tea), but rather for objective meaning. And stripping away the postulates and campaigns I have enshrouded this ideal into one can easily see that I do not seek solace in what the world offers today. Monetary matters do not concern me at all, which explains why I adopt a passive attitude to economics and business. Romance, chocolates and flowers are cool in their own respect- there was a time I believed in it, but as of all things materialistic I always demand to seek a higher meaning and significance within. One that is eternal, ideal, consummate, perfect. Put this in a Christian context, and the synonym is 'holy'.
But it is the fact that I am seriously restricted by all things material I cannot even properly enact my fundamental desires. Like how writing has hampered my true desire to express, no matter how developed it may be, many things I have come to see over the past few days has brought me to this realization that the cause of such restrictions actually stem from me- in the flesh.
This is not a battle of the intrapersonal selves. Psychology has something to say about this, and this phenomenon called self affirmation and self verification theories. But this is not the point I believe. I have faith in my understandings over the past few years, and I am aware of the ways on how exactly to change for the better if I willed so (quite a lot, but possible though). But that is where the problem lies- in my search for the ideal conviction and meaning to live I somehow become less and less convicted to believe that this is a realistic search. The ideals, as many have said before me, is illusory, no more than within the mind, and impractical. Whats more, they're unattainable, even unfathomable to many.
So bucket after bucket of iced water these 'reality-checks' drown out the conviction to actively change. What really is left to be is probably an empty shell, an lethargic and un-energetic self, quite unable to smile and do my part in bringing happiness (and meaning) to this world.
Yesterday I had joint celebrated my birthday, with another two of my friends, in a group of five. The statuses of of our acquaintanceship is quite unimportant, in relation to the fact that we are still relatively frequent in contact. I had a received a book and a card, on which was a couple of well wishes and testimonials on the good we have seen in each other. It was very heartwarming to see that it was meaning and God I had brought to others, instead of a possible alternative of just funk and laughter for the sake of extroversion. Yet as I bring into mind the increasing dousing of reality checks, there is an innate fear on what will actually happen if this conviction to meaning should subside.
What will happen if whats these restrictions onsets and burns away all goodness till what's residual is just bad habits, passiveness, a selfish persona, unmotivated to both the material and the ideal? A very 'sian' and 'nuah' person, switching between Facebook, YouTube and games, bored of life yet unwilling to productivities. Unhelpful in chores, with the only philosophy to maximize pleasure and minimize pain?
That would be the death of Jesse no doubt.
No, this will not happen. If there is any good all these campaigns, projects, achievements and experiences, it is the fact that it will be none but meaningless to sit here ranting away without any countermeasures in hand. There will be a need to reflect and wake up, and yes in this respect I'll be looking forward to the retreat, and the Taiwan trip. Much as I am now restricted by my lack of conviction, due to these buckets of cold water and my weak human nature. No- they do not serve to define me, just like how it is never my writing that denotes what I truly feel; but rather how I feel that defines what I write on this post.
With a bit of reminiscence, may I bring into mind that initial conviction-
From today, things are going to change... I promise.
(requoted, 21st December 2008, Nagoya-Singapore)
Enough. Now that things are back in place, and mindsets are properly re-orientated, now whats next is to go forth and seize the day, again.
30 November 2010
Advent
School's out, advent onsets.
A few subtle changes over the routine lifestyle and taken place since last friday. There will not be a need to return back to school, so much of the time during weekdays have been freed for personal agendas. These would come in form firstly as some ''reunion'' outings scheduled with friends, and I'll be looking forward to that. Secondly, an active lifestyle campaign, primarily to lose the academic flab- a congenial mugging by-product courtesy of NUS. Lastly, the re-assimilation of computer games is on the way, but curiously I am actually not that into gaming as I used to anymore.
Still, what else is on the way? The above activities are indeed cool, but they are not exactly something to do every day of the week. I cant go out everyday like this- not that I am putting limits to relationships, but I guess my pockets will be first to scream if i were to keep having scenic outings. Neither can I run or cycle forever, I myself will scream if I were to do that. And no hard-core gaming on lan shops please, both me and my pockets will scream this time.
Okay, so the moral of the story is no screaming.
Nevertheless, we have hit the crux of the problem. The moral of the story is that something else more meaningful (I am really using this term overtly) has to be in place to compliment the pleasure function that sensory-social-extraversion brings. After all, the two greatest needs of man is of love, and productive work. Nuahing is hard-core, and chilling's hot. But whats really cool this christmas is either a dose of hot-sultry love, or some heartwarming activities to keep the soul (the seat of conviction) open.
... How ironic. And by the way, forget the hot sultry love part yah? Treat is as if there is only option #02.
I guess this advent calls for another period of advent. Well, anticipation and preparation would be more specific a word. There are still quite a lot of personal decisions waiting to be sorted out that were put off for the past 13 weeks. The projects to undertake in the future (collaboration? outsource?), the academic-career vocation discernments i.e. job prospects/ financial planning, as well as the religious counterpart during the CSS retreat come 9-11th December. Lastly, I really need to get out of my head the in-grained stereotypes between INFJs and INFPs (all thanks to psychology). I know this sounds like 'what-the-hell' to many people, and no offence to anyone who is innately INFP/J. I have to stop binging to mind the pink-elephant for now, so yup I'll only rant about it in the shower, or at least when people ask me about it.
Oh yah, not to mention a Taiwan Trip as some sort of zen retreat.
Well then, I guess this amount of forecasting should do for now. To those we're meeting: till then. To those I havent planned meeting, hopefully till then. Otherwise, have an advently advent, dawn is approaching.
Cheers.
A few subtle changes over the routine lifestyle and taken place since last friday. There will not be a need to return back to school, so much of the time during weekdays have been freed for personal agendas. These would come in form firstly as some ''reunion'' outings scheduled with friends, and I'll be looking forward to that. Secondly, an active lifestyle campaign, primarily to lose the academic flab- a congenial mugging by-product courtesy of NUS. Lastly, the re-assimilation of computer games is on the way, but curiously I am actually not that into gaming as I used to anymore.
Still, what else is on the way? The above activities are indeed cool, but they are not exactly something to do every day of the week. I cant go out everyday like this- not that I am putting limits to relationships, but I guess my pockets will be first to scream if i were to keep having scenic outings. Neither can I run or cycle forever, I myself will scream if I were to do that. And no hard-core gaming on lan shops please, both me and my pockets will scream this time.
Okay, so the moral of the story is no screaming.
Nevertheless, we have hit the crux of the problem. The moral of the story is that something else more meaningful (I am really using this term overtly) has to be in place to compliment the pleasure function that sensory-social-extraversion brings. After all, the two greatest needs of man is of love, and productive work. Nuahing is hard-core, and chilling's hot. But whats really cool this christmas is either a dose of hot-sultry love, or some heartwarming activities to keep the soul (the seat of conviction) open.
... How ironic. And by the way, forget the hot sultry love part yah? Treat is as if there is only option #02.
I guess this advent calls for another period of advent. Well, anticipation and preparation would be more specific a word. There are still quite a lot of personal decisions waiting to be sorted out that were put off for the past 13 weeks. The projects to undertake in the future (collaboration? outsource?), the academic-career vocation discernments i.e. job prospects/ financial planning, as well as the religious counterpart during the CSS retreat come 9-11th December. Lastly, I really need to get out of my head the in-grained stereotypes between INFJs and INFPs (all thanks to psychology). I know this sounds like 'what-the-hell' to many people, and no offence to anyone who is innately INFP/J. I have to stop binging to mind the pink-elephant for now, so yup I'll only rant about it in the shower, or at least when people ask me about it.
Oh yah, not to mention a Taiwan Trip as some sort of zen retreat.
Well then, I guess this amount of forecasting should do for now. To those we're meeting: till then. To those I havent planned meeting, hopefully till then. Otherwise, have an advently advent, dawn is approaching.
Cheers.
21 November 2010
Re- Personality (MBTI characterization)
(An excerpt):
it doesnt matter who u r-
INFP, ISTJ even ESTJ
Although u know all 16 is needed in modersation to live an objective life
u know that a human cannot be everything due to his imperfections and limited resources
but u have proven that one has the will to change even his own personality as long as enough conviction (and by the Grace of God) is trained onto it
u be who u feel best,
no one expects u to be all 16 at once.
just as long as, in that little niche of yours, u readily enact the love ideal,
thats more than what u are supposed to do as a human with a distinct personality
it doesnt matter who u r-
INFP, ISTJ even ESTJ
Although u know all 16 is needed in modersation to live an objective life
u know that a human cannot be everything due to his imperfections and limited resources
but u have proven that one has the will to change even his own personality as long as enough conviction (and by the Grace of God) is trained onto it
u be who u feel best,
no one expects u to be all 16 at once.
just as long as, in that little niche of yours, u readily enact the love ideal,
thats more than what u are supposed to do as a human with a distinct personality
13 November 2010
review of the semester
Today saw to the first fruits of labour- I managed to complete a quiz that I studied for two days ago. I know that the past few quizzes (and lab reports) had been really smooth sailing for me, even though there were times I really doubted my potential. Nevertheless, I am thankful for all the assistance I have received along the way. Cheers.
Insofar, this semester has been great. The past three months isn't what I might call "high-flying" or "smooth sailing", but if there is a phrase for it I guess I would say it's indeed a time like never before. How is it so exactly? Its really hard to describe I guess. But as I take a break today from all the studying this evening and sit back enjoying missed out episodes on YouTube over a cup of iced Milo, I guess it would only be meaningful for me to end this with something retrospective.
May ended with a serious bout of cognitive dissonance and a general hatred towards university. I could have recalled myself posting increasingly random excerpts on this domain, and some of them were so offensive I did not even dare post them myself. I hated the way of life- the bell curve, the incomprehensible lectures and the ungainly tutorials, and much above it I really couldn't connect with the people I hang out with. Critical thinking and writing in special semester was too disappointing- I really thought that it was the place I may finally let off some steam idealistically, but was told that I have to scale them down and only focus whats at hand. In the end what I had left was just a formulative criticism of essays whose issues were about sex and engineering failures and unscrupulous bureaucrats. Truthfully, I thought that this semester would be a continuation of this nightmare, and I had a few discussions with my parents to just quit school and re-apply into a different course.
So I started august a little apprehensive. FOC had brought about some light to university life, and like a moth to a lightbulb I was drawn towards the community. Well, it wasn't easy to commit, even though it just meant hanging on every wednesday evening to just smile sincerely at people. But looking back at what Xam and I had shared over the years- whats really left to do after all the emo-ing and complaining and denying and hating and derogating was to really stop expecting affirmations but to enact it in the first place. Moreover, I was aware that I might be too imposing on my idealistic cognitive developments. Scaring people away is so NOT cool.
August transited on to September. All the bad habits developed in JC carried forward, and after the initial two tutorials I simply stopped downloading those questions altogether. Yet the assignments latched onto me like a disgruntled koala. Mondays were CE2407 assignments, and Fridays were CE2134's. Yet I perservered on with my fifth module- social psych. The entire module, frankly speaking, was an expansion of my old project. So every chapter something I could directly correlate with. Projects came and went, and I kinda enjoyed the hands-on sections. Still, it was not exceptional.
Yet it was October that got me thinking. On the academic side, October was the time I really started to get focused with my studies. Lala land is passe, and its about time to stop pussy-footing around with my ideals and aspirations. Yet on a personal side, the Patrician meeting brought me to a realization that what I had should really not be buried away just because I want to be accepted as a 'normal human' with 'normal concerns'. Yes, it's unorthodoxical for a twenty one year old to battle head-on with terror-management theory people only worry about when they turn fifty, or utilize statistical concepts to contemplate about free-will. But the fact remains that whats done has been done, and most importantly, will eventually be done.
What does this mean?
I don't think I can write an 'emotional' post. I had my fair share of emo-ing back in JC2 on this blog, and on the old diaries I keep then. Neither may I write another philosophical post: I do not need any further self-persuasion on who I am, and what I ought to be. What I type here today is perhaps personal, informal, yet very saturated with information and ideological connotations. This being a product of moderation of the two lifestyles I had experienced, each with their ups and downs.
And it is precisely what this semester is essentially- a moderation between the experiences in JC- the lighheartedness, materialistic emotiveness, ignorance in expression and halcyon; as well as the experiences in factual representation, exposition, personal idealism, and the higher connotations. In essence, this semester was that personal revival of positive attitudes that people are innately beautiful lost back then. However this time I know these words are no longer flowy, groundless hallucinations that the world is sunflowers and rainbows. The backing to these attitudes are real, substantial, and far-reaching.
There will, very soon, come a time when these posts on my attitudes to this world will eventually end. I am not worried if I may discontinue these excerpts and head on to the other aspects- say: a job or a new commitment. After all, it is eventual for these words and ideals to eventually manifest themselves as concrete actions of truth and meaning. This domain (blog) has indeed served it's primary purpose in penning down personal thoughts as it was intended to be. Till then, what has been lived has been appreciated, and whats there to do will always be convicted.
Insofar, this semester has been great. The past three months isn't what I might call "high-flying" or "smooth sailing", but if there is a phrase for it I guess I would say it's indeed a time like never before. How is it so exactly? Its really hard to describe I guess. But as I take a break today from all the studying this evening and sit back enjoying missed out episodes on YouTube over a cup of iced Milo, I guess it would only be meaningful for me to end this with something retrospective.
May ended with a serious bout of cognitive dissonance and a general hatred towards university. I could have recalled myself posting increasingly random excerpts on this domain, and some of them were so offensive I did not even dare post them myself. I hated the way of life- the bell curve, the incomprehensible lectures and the ungainly tutorials, and much above it I really couldn't connect with the people I hang out with. Critical thinking and writing in special semester was too disappointing- I really thought that it was the place I may finally let off some steam idealistically, but was told that I have to scale them down and only focus whats at hand. In the end what I had left was just a formulative criticism of essays whose issues were about sex and engineering failures and unscrupulous bureaucrats. Truthfully, I thought that this semester would be a continuation of this nightmare, and I had a few discussions with my parents to just quit school and re-apply into a different course.
So I started august a little apprehensive. FOC had brought about some light to university life, and like a moth to a lightbulb I was drawn towards the community. Well, it wasn't easy to commit, even though it just meant hanging on every wednesday evening to just smile sincerely at people. But looking back at what Xam and I had shared over the years- whats really left to do after all the emo-ing and complaining and denying and hating and derogating was to really stop expecting affirmations but to enact it in the first place. Moreover, I was aware that I might be too imposing on my idealistic cognitive developments. Scaring people away is so NOT cool.
August transited on to September. All the bad habits developed in JC carried forward, and after the initial two tutorials I simply stopped downloading those questions altogether. Yet the assignments latched onto me like a disgruntled koala. Mondays were CE2407 assignments, and Fridays were CE2134's. Yet I perservered on with my fifth module- social psych. The entire module, frankly speaking, was an expansion of my old project. So every chapter something I could directly correlate with. Projects came and went, and I kinda enjoyed the hands-on sections. Still, it was not exceptional.
Yet it was October that got me thinking. On the academic side, October was the time I really started to get focused with my studies. Lala land is passe, and its about time to stop pussy-footing around with my ideals and aspirations. Yet on a personal side, the Patrician meeting brought me to a realization that what I had should really not be buried away just because I want to be accepted as a 'normal human' with 'normal concerns'. Yes, it's unorthodoxical for a twenty one year old to battle head-on with terror-management theory people only worry about when they turn fifty, or utilize statistical concepts to contemplate about free-will. But the fact remains that whats done has been done, and most importantly, will eventually be done.
What does this mean?
I don't think I can write an 'emotional' post. I had my fair share of emo-ing back in JC2 on this blog, and on the old diaries I keep then. Neither may I write another philosophical post: I do not need any further self-persuasion on who I am, and what I ought to be. What I type here today is perhaps personal, informal, yet very saturated with information and ideological connotations. This being a product of moderation of the two lifestyles I had experienced, each with their ups and downs.
And it is precisely what this semester is essentially- a moderation between the experiences in JC- the lighheartedness, materialistic emotiveness, ignorance in expression and halcyon; as well as the experiences in factual representation, exposition, personal idealism, and the higher connotations. In essence, this semester was that personal revival of positive attitudes that people are innately beautiful lost back then. However this time I know these words are no longer flowy, groundless hallucinations that the world is sunflowers and rainbows. The backing to these attitudes are real, substantial, and far-reaching.
There will, very soon, come a time when these posts on my attitudes to this world will eventually end. I am not worried if I may discontinue these excerpts and head on to the other aspects- say: a job or a new commitment. After all, it is eventual for these words and ideals to eventually manifest themselves as concrete actions of truth and meaning. This domain (blog) has indeed served it's primary purpose in penning down personal thoughts as it was intended to be. Till then, what has been lived has been appreciated, and whats there to do will always be convicted.
12 November 2010
Studyfest
Our beloved time of the year has arrived again.
Well before we proceed any further, lets put better definition to the above statement. By the term 'our' I'm collectively pointing to the group of students. It doesnt really matter what level, or what institutions we come from, so as long as we understand the value of intensive studying two weeks before examination proper; that being the meaning of 'time'. A few comments on this period of time: it is unforgiving, it is punishing (on our psyches and well-being), but nevertheless it is beloved- since I would have most probably died if I were to have an examination without any preparation.
So it is: hours of studying superposed by more hours of procrastination and even more hours of worrying makes up 90% of the hours in a day. Occasionally the studying hours extend into sleep hours, and Mohr's circle (a very specialized engineering circle) suddenly incepts inself into a dream (can't remember the original contents) very insidiously. I woke up this morning remembering contents of social psych instead of the usual 'where am I again' question. Indeed, the monkey has gone funky.
Yes, it sucks. No student in the right mind pays thousands a semester to get their brains fried most delectably, but nevertheless I must stress once more that education is in itself a from of progress to the higher perfection. No, I am not tyring to psycho myself that sitting down nine hours a day is reading lecture notes is fun. Yet it is now adequately justified I guess- not because it gives us a better job or a future (that is really a bad reason people say), but because while it gives us all of the above, it simultaneously refines our knowledge of this world we live in, and of ourselves. The implications of this would be really philosophical and ends up in christian doctrines again I guess. After all, everything goes full circle to the big G like how Mr Mohr postulates it to be.
Okay, back to earth.
I'll be going for mass later at 6'at NUS with the CSS people. It's a weekday mass dedicated for the upcoming examinations, and while part of me laments that it would most probably take up a few hours of my revision time, some time has to be rededicated back to where it rightfully belongs (since everything does go in full circle to the big G). In the meantime, I guess its definitely another bout of revision for me. A really sincere 'good luck and God bless' to all those who are also revising for their upcoming examinations (be it 1, 2 or 3 weeks). This is brain-fried Jesse signing out from blogger.com. You guys take care =)
Well before we proceed any further, lets put better definition to the above statement. By the term 'our' I'm collectively pointing to the group of students. It doesnt really matter what level, or what institutions we come from, so as long as we understand the value of intensive studying two weeks before examination proper; that being the meaning of 'time'. A few comments on this period of time: it is unforgiving, it is punishing (on our psyches and well-being), but nevertheless it is beloved- since I would have most probably died if I were to have an examination without any preparation.
So it is: hours of studying superposed by more hours of procrastination and even more hours of worrying makes up 90% of the hours in a day. Occasionally the studying hours extend into sleep hours, and Mohr's circle (a very specialized engineering circle) suddenly incepts inself into a dream (can't remember the original contents) very insidiously. I woke up this morning remembering contents of social psych instead of the usual 'where am I again' question. Indeed, the monkey has gone funky.
Yes, it sucks. No student in the right mind pays thousands a semester to get their brains fried most delectably, but nevertheless I must stress once more that education is in itself a from of progress to the higher perfection. No, I am not tyring to psycho myself that sitting down nine hours a day is reading lecture notes is fun. Yet it is now adequately justified I guess- not because it gives us a better job or a future (that is really a bad reason people say), but because while it gives us all of the above, it simultaneously refines our knowledge of this world we live in, and of ourselves. The implications of this would be really philosophical and ends up in christian doctrines again I guess. After all, everything goes full circle to the big G like how Mr Mohr postulates it to be.
Okay, back to earth.
I'll be going for mass later at 6'at NUS with the CSS people. It's a weekday mass dedicated for the upcoming examinations, and while part of me laments that it would most probably take up a few hours of my revision time, some time has to be rededicated back to where it rightfully belongs (since everything does go in full circle to the big G). In the meantime, I guess its definitely another bout of revision for me. A really sincere 'good luck and God bless' to all those who are also revising for their upcoming examinations (be it 1, 2 or 3 weeks). This is brain-fried Jesse signing out from blogger.com. You guys take care =)
30 October 2010
Service
After some introspection, some of us may have realized that Goodness and Meaning is actually a quale in which the principles of valuation may apply. Not because Goodness is just a soft alternative of currency for people to qualify a better life, but simply because its the one true objective standard of valuation where money and economics actually derived it's bases from.
So like every bank account, there is always the depositing process, and the withdrawing process to all things good. Sometimes the amount withdrawn exceeds the amount deposited, and one will feel drained, on the other hand there is never a problem depositing more than withdrawing. I guess God doesn't tax us the way capitalists do (he has no reason to scrimp some transaction money for himself). By 'good' things I am being very generic here, it can really apply from an I-phone to a blessing from a loved one. But today I don't think I want to stretch that idea too far, so enough of the analogy to money.
Today I attended mass with the CSS. The agenda of the homily was a simple address on how objectively good actions can actually go bad if the intention itself is awry, since intent and manifestation (insert nostalgia here) come hand in hand to qualify if an action itself is justified. A good act of being kind to others may therefore become tainted if the intent was for selfish reasons. So therefore, the question of means justifying ends is never the question of concern- rather, as what he has stated, all intent ought to be out of love, and all credit returned to where it rightfully belongs.
One of the interesting questions that popped out tonight was the question if anyone had witnessed a good action with a bad intent. A couple of brave hands went up, they were personal anecdotes on how they had started service initially on a less-objective (I am in no position to judge if its selfish) reason. Yet one of these sharings struck me. I sat there, laughing politely yet shifting uncomfortably, and six hours later I guess its only appropriate to log this somewhere lest I forget it by tomorrow.
The anecdote was as follows: "I joined and served this community initially because I simply wanted to be accepted."
Do we all not, in some way or the other? I had thought then. Frankly speaking, hadn't that too been my initial reason to actually join this very same community? Although I did not use the words 'accepted', but nevertheless I had joined this community, or actually rather entered university, on the hope that I may seek affirmation in the things that I do, and the intentions that I pursue. I ought to be more than aware of the concepts of gessellschaft and germeinschaft, or simply speaking, depositing and withdrawing in this account of Goodness. Nevertheless, it was difficult to set aside personal desires for affirmation and instead start by loving others. Moreover, while this act of service is underway, actually ensure that all is actually for the glory of God, and not in hope that others may reciprocate this love so that I may stand to benefit in the long run.
So then, a 'strategic' investment for personal gains is a no-no for the currency of Goodness (and love).
What ought to be done instead? The all out universal (catholic) answer will be to serve without enacting repayment: contribute via the deposit of quale into this account of goodness, and from there increase the objective meaning of this community, without any intentions of a sleazy businessman. After all it is appropriate to remark that the love, as advocated by Christianity, was self-exhausting in nature. I don't want to start alluding to daunting theological doctrines on love and meaning to prove a simple experience tonight, but at least the moral of the story is that while I try to enact little acts of concern along the way (hopefully I am), I am doing it not out of eliciting affirmation and love from others, nor for personal grandeur. But rather simply because it's no more than my duty.
I know this is one whack job. Not only to the investment model of value theory, but also to common-sense. More than likely, we'll probably start to complain that God is being unfair- that he doesn't accede to our desires, and that we can't possible carry on if all we do is sacrifice ourselves to a stony wall of indifference. Notably, we'll reason out that since this law is universal, then definitely some other people ought to be sacrificing themselves so that we may stand to benefit and be empowered. But since they all decide to be selfish, then naturally it is only correct for us to stop the pain by not further hurting ourselves...
From there the bargain goes on.
The challenge for me I guess from this point is to actually proceed on without ending the day with one more pointless bargain. I can imagine the look of disbelief on other people's faces when I tell them that I am really not expecting anything from them in return, so I guess I'll have to be ready for that. Most importantly, there will be a need for sustained conviction to actually perform acts of meaning, since I do not daresay what I may do is definitely righteous, let alone righteous 24-7. While I still desire affirmation, these sentiments should not be the motivating factor to things. Only then I guess, may I be of true work to my community, and ultimately for the kingdom of heaven.
Speaking about work, academic work should be going well- I don't think I have ever did mathematics with such confidence as of yesterday in the past 4 years, and interestingly this was actually the first quiz I actually prayed for. More work entails this coming week I guess, not something I really look forward to, but I guess it's all in the bag.
Well then, awesome, enough talking and get back to work- then and again, which work? =D
So like every bank account, there is always the depositing process, and the withdrawing process to all things good. Sometimes the amount withdrawn exceeds the amount deposited, and one will feel drained, on the other hand there is never a problem depositing more than withdrawing. I guess God doesn't tax us the way capitalists do (he has no reason to scrimp some transaction money for himself). By 'good' things I am being very generic here, it can really apply from an I-phone to a blessing from a loved one. But today I don't think I want to stretch that idea too far, so enough of the analogy to money.
Today I attended mass with the CSS. The agenda of the homily was a simple address on how objectively good actions can actually go bad if the intention itself is awry, since intent and manifestation (insert nostalgia here) come hand in hand to qualify if an action itself is justified. A good act of being kind to others may therefore become tainted if the intent was for selfish reasons. So therefore, the question of means justifying ends is never the question of concern- rather, as what he has stated, all intent ought to be out of love, and all credit returned to where it rightfully belongs.
One of the interesting questions that popped out tonight was the question if anyone had witnessed a good action with a bad intent. A couple of brave hands went up, they were personal anecdotes on how they had started service initially on a less-objective (I am in no position to judge if its selfish) reason. Yet one of these sharings struck me. I sat there, laughing politely yet shifting uncomfortably, and six hours later I guess its only appropriate to log this somewhere lest I forget it by tomorrow.
The anecdote was as follows: "I joined and served this community initially because I simply wanted to be accepted."
Do we all not, in some way or the other? I had thought then. Frankly speaking, hadn't that too been my initial reason to actually join this very same community? Although I did not use the words 'accepted', but nevertheless I had joined this community, or actually rather entered university, on the hope that I may seek affirmation in the things that I do, and the intentions that I pursue. I ought to be more than aware of the concepts of gessellschaft and germeinschaft, or simply speaking, depositing and withdrawing in this account of Goodness. Nevertheless, it was difficult to set aside personal desires for affirmation and instead start by loving others. Moreover, while this act of service is underway, actually ensure that all is actually for the glory of God, and not in hope that others may reciprocate this love so that I may stand to benefit in the long run.
So then, a 'strategic' investment for personal gains is a no-no for the currency of Goodness (and love).
What ought to be done instead? The all out universal (catholic) answer will be to serve without enacting repayment: contribute via the deposit of quale into this account of goodness, and from there increase the objective meaning of this community, without any intentions of a sleazy businessman. After all it is appropriate to remark that the love, as advocated by Christianity, was self-exhausting in nature. I don't want to start alluding to daunting theological doctrines on love and meaning to prove a simple experience tonight, but at least the moral of the story is that while I try to enact little acts of concern along the way (hopefully I am), I am doing it not out of eliciting affirmation and love from others, nor for personal grandeur. But rather simply because it's no more than my duty.
I know this is one whack job. Not only to the investment model of value theory, but also to common-sense. More than likely, we'll probably start to complain that God is being unfair- that he doesn't accede to our desires, and that we can't possible carry on if all we do is sacrifice ourselves to a stony wall of indifference. Notably, we'll reason out that since this law is universal, then definitely some other people ought to be sacrificing themselves so that we may stand to benefit and be empowered. But since they all decide to be selfish, then naturally it is only correct for us to stop the pain by not further hurting ourselves...
From there the bargain goes on.
The challenge for me I guess from this point is to actually proceed on without ending the day with one more pointless bargain. I can imagine the look of disbelief on other people's faces when I tell them that I am really not expecting anything from them in return, so I guess I'll have to be ready for that. Most importantly, there will be a need for sustained conviction to actually perform acts of meaning, since I do not daresay what I may do is definitely righteous, let alone righteous 24-7. While I still desire affirmation, these sentiments should not be the motivating factor to things. Only then I guess, may I be of true work to my community, and ultimately for the kingdom of heaven.
Speaking about work, academic work should be going well- I don't think I have ever did mathematics with such confidence as of yesterday in the past 4 years, and interestingly this was actually the first quiz I actually prayed for. More work entails this coming week I guess, not something I really look forward to, but I guess it's all in the bag.
Well then, awesome, enough talking and get back to work- then and again, which work? =D
28 October 2010
A meeting
God sure works in mysterious ways. I don't know what to say exactly, but I guess I have to be glad about this =S
Today I attended a Patrician Meeting, well it isn't really a Patrician Meeting, but rather the Patrician Meeting. (the choice of verbs apply to who is reading this excerpt). Technically speaking, a Patrician meeting is a meeting aimed for Catholics to express, communicate ideas, and at the same time grow in the faith. Simply speaking, this meeting is a nice sharing and affirming session. The topic for discussion is "can a good scientist be a good Catholic".
Awesome huh.
Well definitely yes. Issues were brought up, and the spiritual director rounded it off very well, answering some of the most pertinent questions with finesse yet subtlety. There was definitely so much more to learn from the others, than to just merely contribute for the sake of self-expression. The topic was more than nostalgic: personally I know I haven't cast much introspection on this topic for years, yet surprisingly it wasn't stale. For once, I may finally return back to it in light of religion, and not out of some self-serving reason to see meaning and truth in life.
So yes, if I have to phrase this very metaphorically, tonight was the night I saw my ex-wife again. (LOL)
Well, this brings about a certain need for decision for me I guess. I need not go all emotional or angst-y about this, and yet neither do I have a need to wrap this topic under some deeply coded message. It is very interesting that I had told myself I ought not think too much on all these philosophical issues and try to live a life of humility and simplicity (in love). Yet seemingly it's almost like in the divine plan for me to express all these deeper aspects of humanity once more.
Well, of course I do not want to come up with a hasty decision to either express this domain out in it's intellectual essence or to transmute it more subtly via meaningful actions. I know the best thing is to do both at the same time, and I am guessing that was probably why I was given this opportunity to attend this meeting at this point in time. Well if this is true, then I guess I will have to do a better job trying to moderate these two aspects together without inadvertently leaning on one side of the spectrum again.
But of course this time I won't be pushing doctrines out in hopes of conversion. I believe we have transcended that phase of trying to change people to suit our own ideals. Definitely, I'll take time out. Much as there is a time for all these intellectual advancements (this includes all the academic work in engineering, as well as future concerns on job prospects and living pragmatically), there is definitely a time to just sit back, smile and appreciate the blessings that come our way tonight.
Cheers.
Today I attended a Patrician Meeting, well it isn't really a Patrician Meeting, but rather the Patrician Meeting. (the choice of verbs apply to who is reading this excerpt). Technically speaking, a Patrician meeting is a meeting aimed for Catholics to express, communicate ideas, and at the same time grow in the faith. Simply speaking, this meeting is a nice sharing and affirming session. The topic for discussion is "can a good scientist be a good Catholic".
Awesome huh.
Well definitely yes. Issues were brought up, and the spiritual director rounded it off very well, answering some of the most pertinent questions with finesse yet subtlety. There was definitely so much more to learn from the others, than to just merely contribute for the sake of self-expression. The topic was more than nostalgic: personally I know I haven't cast much introspection on this topic for years, yet surprisingly it wasn't stale. For once, I may finally return back to it in light of religion, and not out of some self-serving reason to see meaning and truth in life.
So yes, if I have to phrase this very metaphorically, tonight was the night I saw my ex-wife again. (LOL)
Well, this brings about a certain need for decision for me I guess. I need not go all emotional or angst-y about this, and yet neither do I have a need to wrap this topic under some deeply coded message. It is very interesting that I had told myself I ought not think too much on all these philosophical issues and try to live a life of humility and simplicity (in love). Yet seemingly it's almost like in the divine plan for me to express all these deeper aspects of humanity once more.
Well, of course I do not want to come up with a hasty decision to either express this domain out in it's intellectual essence or to transmute it more subtly via meaningful actions. I know the best thing is to do both at the same time, and I am guessing that was probably why I was given this opportunity to attend this meeting at this point in time. Well if this is true, then I guess I will have to do a better job trying to moderate these two aspects together without inadvertently leaning on one side of the spectrum again.
But of course this time I won't be pushing doctrines out in hopes of conversion. I believe we have transcended that phase of trying to change people to suit our own ideals. Definitely, I'll take time out. Much as there is a time for all these intellectual advancements (this includes all the academic work in engineering, as well as future concerns on job prospects and living pragmatically), there is definitely a time to just sit back, smile and appreciate the blessings that come our way tonight.
Cheers.
22 October 2010
Appreciating
I found out that I haven't actually spent some time in so many months to sit back and appreciate the people who have been with me all the while.
Firstly, a big thank you to all those whom have been with me. It doesn't matter who got where first, since its really the quality, and not the quantity that counts. I have indeed learned a lot from you guys on how to be a better person, no matter how small or insignificant you guys may think these time together may be- Yes, it's very subtle, and I am not the kind of person who goes around giving affirmations to people publicly, but I don't think I should keep it a complete hush hush either. So then, thanks once again.
Secondly, another big thank you for those whom actually was patient and understanding while I was away trying to be the king of my own hill. Retrospecting, what I had did was fundamentally not quite Catholic, but nevertheless you guys did not despise me for who I was and gave me encouragement along the way. Although we didn't have to go to the extent of great emotional outbursts, but the simple act of merely tolerating was really more than enough. I am coming back to earth, cheers.
Thirdly, one more big thank you for those whom I had traveled with- those that I may have the honor to be of service. I do not mean that it's my agenda to peek into every trouble and judge them, but at least there was an opportunity for me to enact a little more care and concern. I'll try to strive to be a more loving person.
I guess I am glad to finally be able to see where my limits lie. To know that I do not have the jurisdiction involve myself in every intention to change the world, basing on my own standards. I am still trying to bridge a little gap: to rely on others, and hence appreciate the God-likeness in them. To understand that what's past is actually good guidance to what improvements I may make in the future, and not something that limits me and who I can actually be (with God's grace, that is).
I will still go about and give this validation to you guys when I have the opportunity. Meanwhile, let me have the liberty to say these three phrases:
I love you God,
I love you, friends (whoever you may be).
I love being a Catholic Christian.
=)
Firstly, a big thank you to all those whom have been with me. It doesn't matter who got where first, since its really the quality, and not the quantity that counts. I have indeed learned a lot from you guys on how to be a better person, no matter how small or insignificant you guys may think these time together may be- Yes, it's very subtle, and I am not the kind of person who goes around giving affirmations to people publicly, but I don't think I should keep it a complete hush hush either. So then, thanks once again.
Secondly, another big thank you for those whom actually was patient and understanding while I was away trying to be the king of my own hill. Retrospecting, what I had did was fundamentally not quite Catholic, but nevertheless you guys did not despise me for who I was and gave me encouragement along the way. Although we didn't have to go to the extent of great emotional outbursts, but the simple act of merely tolerating was really more than enough. I am coming back to earth, cheers.
Thirdly, one more big thank you for those whom I had traveled with- those that I may have the honor to be of service. I do not mean that it's my agenda to peek into every trouble and judge them, but at least there was an opportunity for me to enact a little more care and concern. I'll try to strive to be a more loving person.
I guess I am glad to finally be able to see where my limits lie. To know that I do not have the jurisdiction involve myself in every intention to change the world, basing on my own standards. I am still trying to bridge a little gap: to rely on others, and hence appreciate the God-likeness in them. To understand that what's past is actually good guidance to what improvements I may make in the future, and not something that limits me and who I can actually be (with God's grace, that is).
I will still go about and give this validation to you guys when I have the opportunity. Meanwhile, let me have the liberty to say these three phrases:
I love you God,
I love you, friends (whoever you may be).
I love being a Catholic Christian.
=)
19 October 2010
retrospecting again
Indeed, it seems that I have not updated on this domain for a month again. There were the usual tutorials, and there was just too much noise along the way. Those would usually be my excuses for not doing anything, however this time I guess things are slightly different from before.
The past three months had brought me to a realization that whatever construes on life, no matter how objective, are no more better than beating straw if the intent is not for the service of others. Truthfully, the path to this realization was not very smooth sailing, and many times I had hit a dead wall wondering how is it possible to enact concern and at the same time ensure that I do not end up on the losing end of things. I was never a good negotiator before, and trying to strike a deal with Him above was not something personal indigence could have its way with things.
Perhaps before I carry on I might have the liberty to restate. By giving up trying to serve what I may offer to myself, I have learned that I am actually no more special than those around me. This does not mean that my uniqueness is compromised, or that my friends were never special to begin with. However this actually implies that they were actually sanctified and unique individuals all along, just that I had turned a blind eye to their potential and needs. Nevertheless, it was definitely a humbling yet enlightening experience- I know I have stated this last month, but I guess some things do deserve a second mention after all, so let this be a reminder to myself for one more day.
So what's cooking? Or if I may use the same three phrases I had been using all along to assess myself, what have I gained, what have I lost, and what has ultimately changed? Throughout the last month I had been contemplating how exactly am I supposed to proceed on; actually doing anything (which I feel is) constructive took up 5% of the time, the other 95% was spent feeling confused. Then and again I should have known that the higher plan is constructed such that we may never fully understand why we do the things we do until we retrospect. (It is in this way we may thus have a free will and yet be completely compatible with the higher will). Now that I retrospect this month once more, it seemed that everything had been meant to be all along.
Last month saw through an unexpected series of re-affirmation (yes its that word again) with many people I never thought I had the honor to be in/of service. I do not think I am at liberty to explicitly describe all these incidences in detail, since some of therm entail rather delicate issues. But nevertheless it was definitely an eye-opening experience. As we pulled out the big guns once again, at least I relish in the understanding that we are no longer using them to convert individuals to live up to a personal vision, but rather in a sincere attempt to help them to be. Whether I had been of objective help didn't really matter this time, perhaps what really mattered is the intent, and the effort, beyond that the higher plan will take it's toil appropriately.
And then I picked up drawing again: which was awesome stuff to do especially when lectures turn horrendously boring. Of course it would be more awesome if I were to actually pay attention to those lectures instead of turning it into a drawing class. But nevertheless it beats nodding off or going onto Facebook for one more spin on Restaurant City.
What lies beyond today is really beyond introspection I guess. I don't think I want to think too far lest I lose another round of speculation with the big G. But nevertheless let whatever is rightful carry on as planned. I do not daresay what I do is necessarily righteous, or neither do I condemn myself that whatever I do is meaningless and futile. Whatever it is then, heaven knows.
The past three months had brought me to a realization that whatever construes on life, no matter how objective, are no more better than beating straw if the intent is not for the service of others. Truthfully, the path to this realization was not very smooth sailing, and many times I had hit a dead wall wondering how is it possible to enact concern and at the same time ensure that I do not end up on the losing end of things. I was never a good negotiator before, and trying to strike a deal with Him above was not something personal indigence could have its way with things.
Perhaps before I carry on I might have the liberty to restate. By giving up trying to serve what I may offer to myself, I have learned that I am actually no more special than those around me. This does not mean that my uniqueness is compromised, or that my friends were never special to begin with. However this actually implies that they were actually sanctified and unique individuals all along, just that I had turned a blind eye to their potential and needs. Nevertheless, it was definitely a humbling yet enlightening experience- I know I have stated this last month, but I guess some things do deserve a second mention after all, so let this be a reminder to myself for one more day.
So what's cooking? Or if I may use the same three phrases I had been using all along to assess myself, what have I gained, what have I lost, and what has ultimately changed? Throughout the last month I had been contemplating how exactly am I supposed to proceed on; actually doing anything (which I feel is) constructive took up 5% of the time, the other 95% was spent feeling confused. Then and again I should have known that the higher plan is constructed such that we may never fully understand why we do the things we do until we retrospect. (It is in this way we may thus have a free will and yet be completely compatible with the higher will). Now that I retrospect this month once more, it seemed that everything had been meant to be all along.
Last month saw through an unexpected series of re-affirmation (yes its that word again) with many people I never thought I had the honor to be in/of service. I do not think I am at liberty to explicitly describe all these incidences in detail, since some of therm entail rather delicate issues. But nevertheless it was definitely an eye-opening experience. As we pulled out the big guns once again, at least I relish in the understanding that we are no longer using them to convert individuals to live up to a personal vision, but rather in a sincere attempt to help them to be. Whether I had been of objective help didn't really matter this time, perhaps what really mattered is the intent, and the effort, beyond that the higher plan will take it's toil appropriately.
And then I picked up drawing again: which was awesome stuff to do especially when lectures turn horrendously boring. Of course it would be more awesome if I were to actually pay attention to those lectures instead of turning it into a drawing class. But nevertheless it beats nodding off or going onto Facebook for one more spin on Restaurant City.
What lies beyond today is really beyond introspection I guess. I don't think I want to think too far lest I lose another round of speculation with the big G. But nevertheless let whatever is rightful carry on as planned. I do not daresay what I do is necessarily righteous, or neither do I condemn myself that whatever I do is meaningless and futile. Whatever it is then, heaven knows.
27 September 2010
An update of the self
I have realized that I have kept rather silent, introspectively, for this past month. Well, this comes as a certain sort of anomaly, since I believe that I don't usually shut up when it comes to blogging. I guess I have been using this space as a primary domain for me to collate, pen, and revise my attitudes to life. Much ado to self introspection and retrospection, I really hope I may make meaning out of these excerpts to improve and learn.
So then, I guess this blog has to persist on a little while longer.
Well, bearing in mind that today is the 27th of September, one has to realize that this month (September) is nearly over. In short, I guess it's really quite a quirky month on it's own. I do not wish to attribute too quickly whether it was in general a good month or a bad one, since I don't really subscribe to the notion of 'good days' or 'bad days'. But beyond the routines of academics in school, I guess I had my own share of ups and downs for the past month.
I am sure I have ranted many times before what today is, on what era and what age on my own calendar it demarcates itself within, and under which conceptualization of the RN domain my thoughts lie under. I am not going to give up on these quantifiers of life just yet, But I guess I do not wish to impose my subjective idealism for today- Its really time for me to return back to this world, and its about time i stop making information any less accessible to those around me as much as I had made myself inaccessible to others over the past few months.
Insofar, I am still on my way trying to be a better person. Retrospecting, my current disposition has not changed much over the past few months, despite I keep reminding myself to be more caring and concerned with people around me. Yes, perhaps with the breakthroughs over the past few months in my own thinking- I am perhaps able to see my friends and acquaintances around me in a much more humane light: as people worthy of respect and as sanctified individuals- images of Christ, rather than people desperately in need of self-enlightenment and a philosophy to life. However much as I would like to start living this life in communion; perhaps it's just my internal disposition to shut up when I get weary, or to ramble excessively on my part, I guess I have not been exactly complimentary in my actions.
Yes, on may times I have lamented on this disparity between my ideals, and what I am actually doing in this world. At times I blame it entirely on others, for not giving me a chance to be; and other times I blame myself for procrastinating, for being a hypocrite, and thus a failed individual. Even as I speak today, I have yet to resolve this issue, and hence this disparity still poses as one of the biggest hurdles I have to seek re-affirmation from. I don't think I am strong enough to make an indelible change on this world arbitrary, so prayers, and of course help from others would really make my day.
Otherwise, I guess that I am quite appreciatory of my current life so far. On where I am today, the people I have met, and the people I still keep in contact with (yes, I am being very general here). There seems to be a time for everything to be- from sharing during CGs, to people to study and excel with, and to people to give counsel, as well as be counseled in turn, as well as people I can sit back and scream random nonsense over a cup of coffee. Yes, I have to admit that I have actually been blessed to meet these groups of people who have filled up the various domains of my life. And in this respect I have to concede that I have actually been living, very much, a life I had always wanted to be. Although (from the above paragraph) I know that we're still not very close to the perfect relationship, I hope that to these people, whom I had more or less seeked re-affirmation with, may grow along with me in relationship and communion, yet retaining their own individuality to bring meaning to their friends in turn.
As for academics, I guess I have found substantial conviction to carry on. My resolute to be an educator still resonates, and I would really hope to integrate my domains of psychology and physics to raise the overall human condition. Although the chances for distinctions and being the top-student are relatively low, there shouldn't be anything too regretful as long I do not waste my life away in decadence. Hopefully I may do substantially well by the end of this semester, I am looking forward to my 3rd trip to Japan, and hopefully a smooth transition to 2011. as for my hectic workload, hopefully I may seek perseverance to carry on.
It's about time to move on- away from merely preaching theories and concepts, to a more subtle, humane, and meaningful life where the others are always brought before the self. I don't know if this ought to be accomplished arbitrarily (via a campaign), or it manifest on it's own. I guess this calls for discernment, but much as I end this post today, let it be known that this will is not completely mine to make.
Have fun =)
So then, I guess this blog has to persist on a little while longer.
Well, bearing in mind that today is the 27th of September, one has to realize that this month (September) is nearly over. In short, I guess it's really quite a quirky month on it's own. I do not wish to attribute too quickly whether it was in general a good month or a bad one, since I don't really subscribe to the notion of 'good days' or 'bad days'. But beyond the routines of academics in school, I guess I had my own share of ups and downs for the past month.
I am sure I have ranted many times before what today is, on what era and what age on my own calendar it demarcates itself within, and under which conceptualization of the RN domain my thoughts lie under. I am not going to give up on these quantifiers of life just yet, But I guess I do not wish to impose my subjective idealism for today- Its really time for me to return back to this world, and its about time i stop making information any less accessible to those around me as much as I had made myself inaccessible to others over the past few months.
Insofar, I am still on my way trying to be a better person. Retrospecting, my current disposition has not changed much over the past few months, despite I keep reminding myself to be more caring and concerned with people around me. Yes, perhaps with the breakthroughs over the past few months in my own thinking- I am perhaps able to see my friends and acquaintances around me in a much more humane light: as people worthy of respect and as sanctified individuals- images of Christ, rather than people desperately in need of self-enlightenment and a philosophy to life. However much as I would like to start living this life in communion; perhaps it's just my internal disposition to shut up when I get weary, or to ramble excessively on my part, I guess I have not been exactly complimentary in my actions.
Yes, on may times I have lamented on this disparity between my ideals, and what I am actually doing in this world. At times I blame it entirely on others, for not giving me a chance to be; and other times I blame myself for procrastinating, for being a hypocrite, and thus a failed individual. Even as I speak today, I have yet to resolve this issue, and hence this disparity still poses as one of the biggest hurdles I have to seek re-affirmation from. I don't think I am strong enough to make an indelible change on this world arbitrary, so prayers, and of course help from others would really make my day.
Otherwise, I guess that I am quite appreciatory of my current life so far. On where I am today, the people I have met, and the people I still keep in contact with (yes, I am being very general here). There seems to be a time for everything to be- from sharing during CGs, to people to study and excel with, and to people to give counsel, as well as be counseled in turn, as well as people I can sit back and scream random nonsense over a cup of coffee. Yes, I have to admit that I have actually been blessed to meet these groups of people who have filled up the various domains of my life. And in this respect I have to concede that I have actually been living, very much, a life I had always wanted to be. Although (from the above paragraph) I know that we're still not very close to the perfect relationship, I hope that to these people, whom I had more or less seeked re-affirmation with, may grow along with me in relationship and communion, yet retaining their own individuality to bring meaning to their friends in turn.
As for academics, I guess I have found substantial conviction to carry on. My resolute to be an educator still resonates, and I would really hope to integrate my domains of psychology and physics to raise the overall human condition. Although the chances for distinctions and being the top-student are relatively low, there shouldn't be anything too regretful as long I do not waste my life away in decadence. Hopefully I may do substantially well by the end of this semester, I am looking forward to my 3rd trip to Japan, and hopefully a smooth transition to 2011. as for my hectic workload, hopefully I may seek perseverance to carry on.
It's about time to move on- away from merely preaching theories and concepts, to a more subtle, humane, and meaningful life where the others are always brought before the self. I don't know if this ought to be accomplished arbitrarily (via a campaign), or it manifest on it's own. I guess this calls for discernment, but much as I end this post today, let it be known that this will is not completely mine to make.
Have fun =)
19 September 2010
Finishing what I have begun
I thought I need not bring it to mind again- I thought it was already a lost cause.
Yes, I am referring to RN(T) again, I have not mentioned it for nearly half a year, I had given up trying to finish it back in March.
I had stopped shortly after the realization of the love ideal. I never got to coursing through the last stretch to reconcile this answer to the living best with the ultimate ends of religion. I never related back the true nature of love, its source, and how one should act knowing that love itself has an origin.
As a result I faltered in fear for the end of existence after the end of this life. Should love, being the ultimate meaning of life back then in March, end with life itself, then there will be no more meaning beyond death. I could not see that love itself is transcendental- that it goes beyond all realism and idealism, and all existence itself. No doubt, I could not see that the final answer I had to my initial question was actually incomplete, not because I have not answered it perfectly, but because my question was not holistic in the first place.
The living best- the true way to living, and the meaning of life- there is indeed more beyond just these questions, I should have seen that coming. The other domain of the afterlife, when merged with this domain of the living best, can be reconciled only when love is considered with respect to it's origin (God), and not merely manifested love on earth.
Only will I then break away from these repercussions of restlessness of an incomplete philosophy to life, only will I then fully re-affirm all domains of my life together. Only will I then see a final answer that quenches the thirsting of my soul, and only then will I finally be able to manifest this philosophy of life.
Interestingly, how this realization can happen only after I have gained so much insight from those around me in CSS. It is as though what I had did for the past 21 months were like beating straw- loud, impressive, but empty. Indeed, affirmation is what I truly need, and even for the RN domain, where I had always thought was the source for all re-affirmations, even for it affirmation from others was still needed.
Yes, I will have to complete this final section on RN(T). It's so nostalgic, yet so empowering to re-open the archives once more in knowledge that I am finally concluding this 'legendary' campaign objectively, and at the same time, coming full cycle to answer all the questions I ever had all my life. Yes, I am truly glad today for this realization-
Yes, I am referring to RN(T) again, I have not mentioned it for nearly half a year, I had given up trying to finish it back in March.
I had stopped shortly after the realization of the love ideal. I never got to coursing through the last stretch to reconcile this answer to the living best with the ultimate ends of religion. I never related back the true nature of love, its source, and how one should act knowing that love itself has an origin.
As a result I faltered in fear for the end of existence after the end of this life. Should love, being the ultimate meaning of life back then in March, end with life itself, then there will be no more meaning beyond death. I could not see that love itself is transcendental- that it goes beyond all realism and idealism, and all existence itself. No doubt, I could not see that the final answer I had to my initial question was actually incomplete, not because I have not answered it perfectly, but because my question was not holistic in the first place.
The living best- the true way to living, and the meaning of life- there is indeed more beyond just these questions, I should have seen that coming. The other domain of the afterlife, when merged with this domain of the living best, can be reconciled only when love is considered with respect to it's origin (God), and not merely manifested love on earth.
Only will I then break away from these repercussions of restlessness of an incomplete philosophy to life, only will I then fully re-affirm all domains of my life together. Only will I then see a final answer that quenches the thirsting of my soul, and only then will I finally be able to manifest this philosophy of life.
Interestingly, how this realization can happen only after I have gained so much insight from those around me in CSS. It is as though what I had did for the past 21 months were like beating straw- loud, impressive, but empty. Indeed, affirmation is what I truly need, and even for the RN domain, where I had always thought was the source for all re-affirmations, even for it affirmation from others was still needed.
Yes, I will have to complete this final section on RN(T). It's so nostalgic, yet so empowering to re-open the archives once more in knowledge that I am finally concluding this 'legendary' campaign objectively, and at the same time, coming full cycle to answer all the questions I ever had all my life. Yes, I am truly glad today for this realization-
02 September 2010
Some words
Is it not inevitable that what I had started off will lead me to this day?
The life of the highest meaning is actually a simple life lived in service to others, in both cognitive and emotive aspects, on tangible and idealistic aspects. This service is not arbitrary, nor obligated under any jurisdiction. This service takes form of an union, and it is in this union and it's derivative concepts that reaffirms one's identity to an objective being. This service is the service of love, and while it seemingly takes form as a humblest act, it fulfills completely the highest transcendentals of truth and goodness in human philosophy.
Maybe it did take a lot longer for me than others to finally state this with confidence. It is definitely not a groundbreaking or radical answer- and actually it has been something I had taken for granted all the time while sitting back in catechism class and wondering if there would be a better tomorrow. I guess I really did take a massive detour, proving this fundamental doctrine of Christianity from fundamental principles of determinism, through the back door of human reason (nothing impressive here), and finally to this conclusive statements that paves a higher gateway to the proof of the existence of God (I. Kant). Beyond that would really be the domain of theology, and of course I do not want to give my interpretation to what Christianity should be lest I inadvertently shift the meaning of my religion to form my own cult.
Maybe I should have realized that idealism and realism is equally transcendental in nature, and that even with so much intellectual enlightenment on the love ideal what I am actually doing is merely a subjective circular reasoning. It did take me a while to finally shed this pride of wanting to be different, to be enlightened, and to draw comfort that I 'know' the ways of the living best; and from there to return back to life and manifest this love ideal as a service of love itself. At many times I do reproach myself, wondering if I am turning 'soft' or blindingly compromising to others. However, I draw comfort in the confidence of the virtue of humility. I do not dare to claim that I have perfected this love as a service to my neighbors, or even as an ideal. But may I be bold enough to state that as much as I may consciously allow it to be, my agendas will be towards the greater development in this aspect.
Yes, I may become tired at times- selfish at others, and indifferent along the way. I do sincerely apologize to whomever I have offended, neglected, or disunited. Yet much as I wish, there is still a certain limit on how much I may attempt to bring forth this ideal. Of those who fully understand these words I speak today, as well all the workings towards this goal. I am very glad that we have come so far in this point in life- yet let this re-affirmation not end between us, but do try to bring forth this to other acquaintances. Indeed, epistemology and conventional life come hand in hand as proponents of truth. Definitely, be it an intellectual comprehension of truth or a personal experience of meaning, do spread this hope. Of course, bear in mind that even this act should always be an act of service to others, and not for the self. This way, it will never be an issue of self-imposition or ego-centric actions.
Yes, these words I speak today is eventual- even in consideration to the initial selfish aims to harmonize the wisdom of God into a personal theory to seek an arbitrary answer to the living best. My reasoning is circular, or complete, depending on how you may view it to be. I still do not fully know what this would lead me too, on how should I put it to good use. Yet nevertheless, looking around at the meaningful things that have happened these few days, I guess I may finally appreciate this world, these people, and this life for one more day.
The life of the highest meaning is actually a simple life lived in service to others, in both cognitive and emotive aspects, on tangible and idealistic aspects. This service is not arbitrary, nor obligated under any jurisdiction. This service takes form of an union, and it is in this union and it's derivative concepts that reaffirms one's identity to an objective being. This service is the service of love, and while it seemingly takes form as a humblest act, it fulfills completely the highest transcendentals of truth and goodness in human philosophy.
Maybe it did take a lot longer for me than others to finally state this with confidence. It is definitely not a groundbreaking or radical answer- and actually it has been something I had taken for granted all the time while sitting back in catechism class and wondering if there would be a better tomorrow. I guess I really did take a massive detour, proving this fundamental doctrine of Christianity from fundamental principles of determinism, through the back door of human reason (nothing impressive here), and finally to this conclusive statements that paves a higher gateway to the proof of the existence of God (I. Kant). Beyond that would really be the domain of theology, and of course I do not want to give my interpretation to what Christianity should be lest I inadvertently shift the meaning of my religion to form my own cult.
Maybe I should have realized that idealism and realism is equally transcendental in nature, and that even with so much intellectual enlightenment on the love ideal what I am actually doing is merely a subjective circular reasoning. It did take me a while to finally shed this pride of wanting to be different, to be enlightened, and to draw comfort that I 'know' the ways of the living best; and from there to return back to life and manifest this love ideal as a service of love itself. At many times I do reproach myself, wondering if I am turning 'soft' or blindingly compromising to others. However, I draw comfort in the confidence of the virtue of humility. I do not dare to claim that I have perfected this love as a service to my neighbors, or even as an ideal. But may I be bold enough to state that as much as I may consciously allow it to be, my agendas will be towards the greater development in this aspect.
Yes, I may become tired at times- selfish at others, and indifferent along the way. I do sincerely apologize to whomever I have offended, neglected, or disunited. Yet much as I wish, there is still a certain limit on how much I may attempt to bring forth this ideal. Of those who fully understand these words I speak today, as well all the workings towards this goal. I am very glad that we have come so far in this point in life- yet let this re-affirmation not end between us, but do try to bring forth this to other acquaintances. Indeed, epistemology and conventional life come hand in hand as proponents of truth. Definitely, be it an intellectual comprehension of truth or a personal experience of meaning, do spread this hope. Of course, bear in mind that even this act should always be an act of service to others, and not for the self. This way, it will never be an issue of self-imposition or ego-centric actions.
Yes, these words I speak today is eventual- even in consideration to the initial selfish aims to harmonize the wisdom of God into a personal theory to seek an arbitrary answer to the living best. My reasoning is circular, or complete, depending on how you may view it to be. I still do not fully know what this would lead me too, on how should I put it to good use. Yet nevertheless, looking around at the meaningful things that have happened these few days, I guess I may finally appreciate this world, these people, and this life for one more day.
29 August 2010
Domains
Indeed, it's been long since I have voiced my personal mind in this domain. I do not intend to commercialize this domain, and neither do I want to reserve it to an incomprehensible jumble of emotions. As much as I wish to throw in the developments of my projects and agendas, there is always still room for personal updates and affirmations.
So whats cooking- frankly speaking, there is quite a little bit going on. I do not have an accurate breakdown of eras, periods, and moments for now; but on this day- a day in this 7th Age of self enlightenment, I guess I have been in union with my ideals. They remain dormant for now, so there will be no explicit research in the RN domain for the time being.
But even as I would like to sit back and convince myself that nothing much as changed since March, it is nevertheless undeniable that much has happened along the way since the last upheaval. From May, drawing and CSS activities had formed two additional domains for expansion. Multiple portraits had been created since then, along with frequent interactions with CSS members. Other events that had taken place were the acquisition of critique skills, the reproduction of true Manga, a deeper introspection to the world of otaku-fetishism, and of course, the independent planning of a trip to Japan.
Maybe it's about time to start wondering if I am relegating back into a common otaku, after 20 months of exposure, two prior trips to Japan, a couple of hardcore acquaintances, and countless plunges to try to understand what is exactly so captivating about a series of illustrations that could be very easily replaced by any other drawing. I have tried following series, tried being enthusiastic, and of course sampled albums upon albums of their songs (some of which were quite good). The tast of Kobe beef still lies at the tip of my tongue, and the greatest legend: of the formation of project RN, was still relegated to that flight from Nagoya.
Maybe not, I may be closely affiliated with the Japanese culture, and in the future there will still be an intermittent crossing of paths between these two domains. However no matter how far I may plunge into this world of Manga and Animation, there will always be a higher restoring force, from the RN domain, to transit me back to my original state of mind. After-all, it is impossible to hold an extreme viewpoint by now. And strictly speaking an Otaku is in essence a hardcore-extremist.
So then, what have I been during these few months? A more subtle manifestation of the primary RN domain, creeping into all the other sub-domains. A simple yet determined attempt to harmonize my ideals (already in harmony with my religion) with others (hopefully the one) via the Uni/CSS domain. A deeper understanding of the forces of the Manga/Anime domain, so that I may integrate this with my narrative domain (formed back in 2000), as well as my domain in drawing, to compose beautiful productions in my spare time. In the meantime, a strengthening of independence in character, rationality and values; so that I may be a better person with greater care, concern and maturity.
This trip to Japan (my third) would be a very good training ground for the manifestation of these values- especially independence: notably, independence is never a selfish desire to work alone, but rather a capability to work in collaboration with others. Of course this would bring a greater integration with the Japanese culture and the Manga/Anime domain- this time we will not be visiting particular hotspots- a simple countryside trip, to understand the other part of the Japanese culture rarely hyped in media; so that my views may not be warped or one-dimensional. These remain secondary for now I guess, hopefully they will come due December 15, I am really looking forward to it.
What lies beyond school then in the meantime? A simple integration~ okay maybe not so technical.... I'll socialize (its about time to step out of my IM shell and head back to reality), hopefully forge meaningful relationships with people along the way, and at the same time re-affirm my ideals with that of my religion. I do not have specific agendas to seek a particular romance for the time being, nor do I have agendas on specific commitments which may require my undivided attention. I'll take whatever that comes by, in the trust of the higher divine plan.
Yes, there is a time for everything~ And much as I hope, let thy, not my will be done.
Yesterday, the understanding of the forces to the formation of an objective identity. Today- the beginning of a integration of domains into one united self. Tomorrow- union.
So whats cooking- frankly speaking, there is quite a little bit going on. I do not have an accurate breakdown of eras, periods, and moments for now; but on this day- a day in this 7th Age of self enlightenment, I guess I have been in union with my ideals. They remain dormant for now, so there will be no explicit research in the RN domain for the time being.
But even as I would like to sit back and convince myself that nothing much as changed since March, it is nevertheless undeniable that much has happened along the way since the last upheaval. From May, drawing and CSS activities had formed two additional domains for expansion. Multiple portraits had been created since then, along with frequent interactions with CSS members. Other events that had taken place were the acquisition of critique skills, the reproduction of true Manga, a deeper introspection to the world of otaku-fetishism, and of course, the independent planning of a trip to Japan.
Maybe it's about time to start wondering if I am relegating back into a common otaku, after 20 months of exposure, two prior trips to Japan, a couple of hardcore acquaintances, and countless plunges to try to understand what is exactly so captivating about a series of illustrations that could be very easily replaced by any other drawing. I have tried following series, tried being enthusiastic, and of course sampled albums upon albums of their songs (some of which were quite good). The tast of Kobe beef still lies at the tip of my tongue, and the greatest legend: of the formation of project RN, was still relegated to that flight from Nagoya.
Maybe not, I may be closely affiliated with the Japanese culture, and in the future there will still be an intermittent crossing of paths between these two domains. However no matter how far I may plunge into this world of Manga and Animation, there will always be a higher restoring force, from the RN domain, to transit me back to my original state of mind. After-all, it is impossible to hold an extreme viewpoint by now. And strictly speaking an Otaku is in essence a hardcore-extremist.
So then, what have I been during these few months? A more subtle manifestation of the primary RN domain, creeping into all the other sub-domains. A simple yet determined attempt to harmonize my ideals (already in harmony with my religion) with others (hopefully the one) via the Uni/CSS domain. A deeper understanding of the forces of the Manga/Anime domain, so that I may integrate this with my narrative domain (formed back in 2000), as well as my domain in drawing, to compose beautiful productions in my spare time. In the meantime, a strengthening of independence in character, rationality and values; so that I may be a better person with greater care, concern and maturity.
This trip to Japan (my third) would be a very good training ground for the manifestation of these values- especially independence: notably, independence is never a selfish desire to work alone, but rather a capability to work in collaboration with others. Of course this would bring a greater integration with the Japanese culture and the Manga/Anime domain- this time we will not be visiting particular hotspots- a simple countryside trip, to understand the other part of the Japanese culture rarely hyped in media; so that my views may not be warped or one-dimensional. These remain secondary for now I guess, hopefully they will come due December 15, I am really looking forward to it.
What lies beyond school then in the meantime? A simple integration~ okay maybe not so technical.... I'll socialize (its about time to step out of my IM shell and head back to reality), hopefully forge meaningful relationships with people along the way, and at the same time re-affirm my ideals with that of my religion. I do not have specific agendas to seek a particular romance for the time being, nor do I have agendas on specific commitments which may require my undivided attention. I'll take whatever that comes by, in the trust of the higher divine plan.
Yes, there is a time for everything~ And much as I hope, let thy, not my will be done.
Yesterday, the understanding of the forces to the formation of an objective identity. Today- the beginning of a integration of domains into one united self. Tomorrow- union.
23 August 2010
untitled manga, a critique
This article is a self-critique of a work of fiction completely created from personal imagination. Although utmost effort has been evoked to ensure objectivity, nevertheless certain forms of bias-ness is expected. Relevant co-authors, please comment on this post if possible to help make this critique as balanced as possible.
Article: untitled, episode 2, 1st scene.
Medium: Manga
Drawing style: Version 1.1 drawing style, Dual-chromatic shadings
Length: 4 panels, 1 page.
Plot: Arbitrary scene.
One of the most intuitive reactions when this composition is presented is a sense of achievement and awe. Yes, there are certain breakthroughs with this manga article- in terms of plot, drawing and characterizations. Some of these achievements include:
1) Harmonizing of standard manga eye styles and poses into personal drawings, accentuating on the cuteness factor.
2) Acquisition of complex posing techniques- i.e. back shots, top down, bottom up shots.
3) Sequential portrayal of pictures systematic enough to form a simple dialogue- rather than on-the-spot scenic poses.
However, much as I would wish to rest on my laurels and commend ourselves for such an achievement, I would also wish to state that such a composition is far from ideal standards. The reasons for such are as follows:
1) The panels are not planned properly before hand, and suit the drawing rather than the other way. This results in some miscalculations in scene depiction, and certain panels have to be shifted to accommodate drawings.
2) Also, panels are too sparely planned. Each page should consist of at least 4-7 panels on the average unless there is a need to depict 'epic shots' i.e. character shots or scenery.
3) The T1.1 character drawings are captivating, but there is little detail on objects such as clothing, furniture and background.
4) The drawing feels objectified. That is- there is not enough focus on the facial expressions of the character. This is probably because each shot is a mid-range shot of the character and at least half of her body.
5) The drawing is slipshod. Although this page was not planned for a manga depiction initially, lines for tables, windows, and their perspective were poorly planned. In panel 3 the tables are all listed to the left, and the windows nearly unrecognizable.
6) The shadings are non-standard and done in pencil. This gives a sense of monotony and lifelessness to the background scenes, since light-dynamics are greatly compromised.
Possible areas of improvement are as follows:
1) Introduction of more complex posing- in some scenes we want the eyes of the character to look at each other, and not around the reader's direction, other times we have to content with near-side shots or back shots with head looking front.
2) Proper planning of panels. Draw in the panels and their positions, with appropriate places and sizes for conversation. Also, panels must stand out and reflect undertones.
3) Up the level of detail on clothing and furniture. Although it is T1.1 the targeted level of detail should be at least T1.4. This includes shadowing and light dynamics.
4) Different combination of posing can be incorporated, for dialogue centric panels, close ups on the face only may be used, so that facial expressions may be more freely depicted. In other shots, a full body pose may suffice.
5) A precise note of perspective. Rulers and other instruments should be employed decisively, and concept lines need to be kept to a minimum from now on.
6) Shadings need to be more contrasting, and hatching could be considered as replacement to some of the soft shadings. Shadowing needs to be more precise and detailed, and illumination need to be portrayed with greater realism.
Currently, the standard of this article still does not meet the requirements of a standard manga, but serves as a good indicator and prototype to future panels. Till then, there is still much room for improvement. But nevertheless, it was still a good start. Congratulations =)
09 August 2010
Starcraft 2, a critique
This post is a critique of Blizzard's recently released RTS game: Starcraft 2, Wings of Liberty. Before I begin, I would wish to make it clear that this post is in no way an outright biasness towards or against the game. Neither do I wish to leave an impression of overt comparison towards the other RTS games I am currently playing: Company of Heroes, released by THQ; as well as C&C3, released by EA. I understand that these three games have distinctly different background plots and universes, which in turn affects the playing style of each game. Yet it is still imperative for a sort of comparison to be made- them being RTS giants themselves, there is definitely an objective area for improvement, and hence this critique.
In a nutshell, Starcraft 2 is a second installation of the critically acclaimed Starcraft series, and the bulk of it's plot takes placed after the Brood Wars, a playable expansion set of Starcraft 1 released in 1998. Originally developed for release in 2007, Blizzard has delayed productions for Starcraft 2 due to their commitments to expand WoW. Starcraft 2 was released on July 2010, and like it's predecessors, features an identical style of playing unique to the Starcraft universe.
One of the main strengths for Starcraft 2 is the intricate universe, as well as it's intriguing plot. Throughout the campaign, players are gradually introduced towards the background story, as well as the playable units of Starcraft 2. The transition towards these units are indeed meticulously planned to ensure that the learning curve does not become too steep, or the plot become jarring in transition from one mission to the next. An added feature of the game was the ability for the player to make defining choices within the game to alter his deposition. For example, in Jim Raynor's decision between purging or saving a refugee colony in Haven, the outcomes of the upgrades of the Terran technology tree varies considerably, on top of the plot outcome of the fate of the colonists and his diplomatic relations with the Protoss. Such a feature is welcomed, since it does bring a greater immersion and interaction to the universe, as well as integrating the game play with the background plot.
Yet Starcraft does fall short, like C&C3, in fleshing the more specific dynamics of it's gameplay. As like most RTS games, Starcraft utilizes a conventional resource-production structure. Two primary forms of resources, Minerals and Vespense gas, powers the economy of all three armies. In most base-building campaigns (including the multiplayer), these resources are located directly next to an existing base, and further resources
are placed strategically on the battlefield for subsequent expansion. While such a method of resource gathering does definitely encourage base expansion, it naturally entails a 'the greater the merrier' mindset to players. Moreover, as these resources are finite- it is desirable for a player to deplete his cache of resources early game into credits, and then subsequently plan on his strategy. In fact one of the common scenes in Starcraft 2 would be a player amassing a ridiculously large force of harvesters, and the observed outcome that the winner of a multi player is usually one with the biggest economy- since he has the liberty to choose the type of units to assault his enemy's base, and from therein forcing his enemy to play by his rules subsequently (since the Starcraft concept mirrors closely to the concept of chess, where one unit is especially effective to another unit, but vulnerable to another).
This concept of 'the greater the merrier' too extends considerably to the combat units in Starcraft 2. Indeed, the chess-esque method does balance to the choice of units in the Starcraft game, and we definitely will not be witnessing infantry spams or tank rushes (since a strategic choice of a squad of its counter units can decimate an entire battalion in no time) as witnessed in C&C3 game play, where players will basically spam tier 1 tanks and pit them in a head on battle while leaving the true strategy to time and resource management in clickfests.
However, what falls short in Starcraft 2 would be the process of the battle. Starcraft 2 still preserves the '1 shot 1 hit' methodology of warfare evident in many of the older RTS games. In other words, what determines the outcome of killing an enemy unit equivalent (ie a infantry-infantry or tank-tank battle) would be brute firepower and exposure time. This reduces the strategic components of battle back to the choice of units, since other considerations and tactics to outwit enemies during battle (i.e. ambushes, terrain position, veterancy) are reduced to hit-points and damage-points. An outcome of a single squad, micromanaged to perfection, outnumbering a platoon of mindless rushes in a NON unit-nemesis battle (i.e. vikings against zerglings) would be rare.
Of course it could be argued that such a style discourages spamming of a single type of infantry, and different units have to be used in conjunction during an assault. Yet, it does not make sense to be overtly focuses in the strategy of 'what unit's countering what unit'- the RTS genre focuses on the strategies used during the process of battle, and it would be disheartening to reduce the playing style of Starcraft 2 to a battle strategy on par with the strategy used in the american civil war- The infantry attack first, against infantry, and both suffer equal casualties. Then it would be the insertion of calvary by either team to wipe out the opposing infantry, and then a retreat by the losing team to the FUP, where the cannons will make short work of the calvery. This will be countered by the opposition calvary, on a flanking mission. Towards the end, the battle reduces to a confusion of units and is determined by firepower.
Moreover, such a playing style discourages the significance of veterancy of units in combat. It would be meaningless to retreat, just as long as new units may be produced in battle to reinforce the existing units in battle. It is notable in Starcraft 2 that while offensive powers vary in unit choice and nemesis-battles, the distinction of vehicles, or infantry is not very great. A single tank can be easily discriminated by a squad of marines as an opposing infantry would, since other considerations such as reaction time, and the accuracy are not taken into consideration. Moreover, it does not make sense for a mothership, or a planetary assault carrier to be downed so easily considering their actual size. Efforts to tier up a base completely for more 'powerful' infantry are compromised since it boils down to a choice of the 'cheapest' and 'most effective' unit. In simple words, size doesn't matter.
At this point in time I may have already been drawing flak by proponents. But I would wish to go one more step further to reinforce this point: the arguments of economy, unit choice, firing accuracy, size and overt emphasis of unit choice over other effective strategies; does not promote Starcraft 2 as a true proponent of strategic gameplay. While I do not take the other extreme to state that minue details such as bullet-drop, firing precision (as in the player deciding which part of the unit to hit to maximize damage points), I do advocate for a much more realistic game, not in terms of graphics or plot unfolding, but realism via the ability to utilize at least a greater variety of tactics used in real warfare. Guerrilla warfare, scorched earth, ambushes, and of course all out warefare, with due consideration to terrain (slope), troop veterancy and morale, on top of unit choice, would definitely bring about the much needed realism of RTS games, and of course, the importance of strategy, as the genre states.
Of course, I must restate my point again that this post is not a jibe to Starcraft 2. But naturally, in consideration to the above mentioned factors, Starcraft does not get my vote as a strategy game, but rather as an intriguing game that could do as well being spectacled (watched) rather than played.
In a nutshell, Starcraft 2 is a second installation of the critically acclaimed Starcraft series, and the bulk of it's plot takes placed after the Brood Wars, a playable expansion set of Starcraft 1 released in 1998. Originally developed for release in 2007, Blizzard has delayed productions for Starcraft 2 due to their commitments to expand WoW. Starcraft 2 was released on July 2010, and like it's predecessors, features an identical style of playing unique to the Starcraft universe.
One of the main strengths for Starcraft 2 is the intricate universe, as well as it's intriguing plot. Throughout the campaign, players are gradually introduced towards the background story, as well as the playable units of Starcraft 2. The transition towards these units are indeed meticulously planned to ensure that the learning curve does not become too steep, or the plot become jarring in transition from one mission to the next. An added feature of the game was the ability for the player to make defining choices within the game to alter his deposition. For example, in Jim Raynor's decision between purging or saving a refugee colony in Haven, the outcomes of the upgrades of the Terran technology tree varies considerably, on top of the plot outcome of the fate of the colonists and his diplomatic relations with the Protoss. Such a feature is welcomed, since it does bring a greater immersion and interaction to the universe, as well as integrating the game play with the background plot.
Yet Starcraft does fall short, like C&C3, in fleshing the more specific dynamics of it's gameplay. As like most RTS games, Starcraft utilizes a conventional resource-production structure. Two primary forms of resources, Minerals and Vespense gas, powers the economy of all three armies. In most base-building campaigns (including the multiplayer), these resources are located directly next to an existing base, and further resources
are placed strategically on the battlefield for subsequent expansion. While such a method of resource gathering does definitely encourage base expansion, it naturally entails a 'the greater the merrier' mindset to players. Moreover, as these resources are finite- it is desirable for a player to deplete his cache of resources early game into credits, and then subsequently plan on his strategy. In fact one of the common scenes in Starcraft 2 would be a player amassing a ridiculously large force of harvesters, and the observed outcome that the winner of a multi player is usually one with the biggest economy- since he has the liberty to choose the type of units to assault his enemy's base, and from therein forcing his enemy to play by his rules subsequently (since the Starcraft concept mirrors closely to the concept of chess, where one unit is especially effective to another unit, but vulnerable to another).
This concept of 'the greater the merrier' too extends considerably to the combat units in Starcraft 2. Indeed, the chess-esque method does balance to the choice of units in the Starcraft game, and we definitely will not be witnessing infantry spams or tank rushes (since a strategic choice of a squad of its counter units can decimate an entire battalion in no time) as witnessed in C&C3 game play, where players will basically spam tier 1 tanks and pit them in a head on battle while leaving the true strategy to time and resource management in clickfests.
However, what falls short in Starcraft 2 would be the process of the battle. Starcraft 2 still preserves the '1 shot 1 hit' methodology of warfare evident in many of the older RTS games. In other words, what determines the outcome of killing an enemy unit equivalent (ie a infantry-infantry or tank-tank battle) would be brute firepower and exposure time. This reduces the strategic components of battle back to the choice of units, since other considerations and tactics to outwit enemies during battle (i.e. ambushes, terrain position, veterancy) are reduced to hit-points and damage-points. An outcome of a single squad, micromanaged to perfection, outnumbering a platoon of mindless rushes in a NON unit-nemesis battle (i.e. vikings against zerglings) would be rare.
Of course it could be argued that such a style discourages spamming of a single type of infantry, and different units have to be used in conjunction during an assault. Yet, it does not make sense to be overtly focuses in the strategy of 'what unit's countering what unit'- the RTS genre focuses on the strategies used during the process of battle, and it would be disheartening to reduce the playing style of Starcraft 2 to a battle strategy on par with the strategy used in the american civil war- The infantry attack first, against infantry, and both suffer equal casualties. Then it would be the insertion of calvary by either team to wipe out the opposing infantry, and then a retreat by the losing team to the FUP, where the cannons will make short work of the calvery. This will be countered by the opposition calvary, on a flanking mission. Towards the end, the battle reduces to a confusion of units and is determined by firepower.
Moreover, such a playing style discourages the significance of veterancy of units in combat. It would be meaningless to retreat, just as long as new units may be produced in battle to reinforce the existing units in battle. It is notable in Starcraft 2 that while offensive powers vary in unit choice and nemesis-battles, the distinction of vehicles, or infantry is not very great. A single tank can be easily discriminated by a squad of marines as an opposing infantry would, since other considerations such as reaction time, and the accuracy are not taken into consideration. Moreover, it does not make sense for a mothership, or a planetary assault carrier to be downed so easily considering their actual size. Efforts to tier up a base completely for more 'powerful' infantry are compromised since it boils down to a choice of the 'cheapest' and 'most effective' unit. In simple words, size doesn't matter.
At this point in time I may have already been drawing flak by proponents. But I would wish to go one more step further to reinforce this point: the arguments of economy, unit choice, firing accuracy, size and overt emphasis of unit choice over other effective strategies; does not promote Starcraft 2 as a true proponent of strategic gameplay. While I do not take the other extreme to state that minue details such as bullet-drop, firing precision (as in the player deciding which part of the unit to hit to maximize damage points), I do advocate for a much more realistic game, not in terms of graphics or plot unfolding, but realism via the ability to utilize at least a greater variety of tactics used in real warfare. Guerrilla warfare, scorched earth, ambushes, and of course all out warefare, with due consideration to terrain (slope), troop veterancy and morale, on top of unit choice, would definitely bring about the much needed realism of RTS games, and of course, the importance of strategy, as the genre states.
Of course, I must restate my point again that this post is not a jibe to Starcraft 2. But naturally, in consideration to the above mentioned factors, Starcraft does not get my vote as a strategy game, but rather as an intriguing game that could do as well being spectacled (watched) rather than played.
08 August 2010
Inception- the deeper aspects
Introduction
Alright, the title speaks of my topic of the day- what I will say is really beyond the scope of the plot, so pardon me as I bring the nukes in.
One question that many people would ask about Inception is about the outcome of the spinning totem. Basically in the movie, Leonardo's totem would indicate objectively if he is within dream-scape, or is he back in reality. If it falls, its real, if it doesn't, he probably needs to wake up his idea.
Another question that was brought into the table is the 'fallacy' of his wife- that reality itself is no more than an idealized dream of a higher reality. One grave implication is that should she be right, then there technically can be an infinity of transcendental realities. In the movie it is implied that she is wrong, and there is an objective reality that the characters can return to.
Well, lets start by asking the same question as many would- would the totem fall?
First Postulate
On hindsight, yes. All implications points to the outcome that the totem should fall, since 1) it rounds up nicely the whole plot of 3 dreams. 2) it proves his wife is wrong (and we really hope his wife is). 3) Leonardo gets his happy ending, which is like awwww. Of course it would save me the entire problem of going into the transcendental problem, and I really dislike thinking too much over something that someone's ideas (movie) when I could really be doing more constructive things like cleaning my room or going to the zoo.
Whats wrong with the first postulate?
But the happy way out falls short of reason should more thought be brought into the movie. Not in terms of pure critique, but also in imagery and depiction. Fundamentally, the movie would be portraying dreams and reality rather inaccurately. The major reason? There is too much a hint of transcendental idealism, than transcendental realism within the movie itself. This leads to my belief that the 'dreams' the characters have, are not true mental (idealized) perceptions, but rather objectively (realized) shared perceptions of a diminished (but evident) reality.
HUH? Okay, so we have to go deeper into the rabbit hole. By doing this, we will have to bring into question the concepts of transcendental idealism and transcendental realism.
A bit on the 2 nukes: Transcendental Idealism and Realism
What is transcendental idealism, or transcendental realism?
Loosely speaking, transcendental idealism is a Kantian postulate that humans may only appreciate, and experience reality as how they appear (or are idealized by the person) to be. Strictly speaking, space and time (reality) is no more than relationships between idealized proponents, since the mind does not perceive distance in and of themselves, but rather relates it in relation to what it deems as distance and duration. Simply speaking to the individual, whatever bullshit there may be, it is all a dream, and the dream is the end of all things.
On the other hand, transcendental realism is a philosophical idea that there is an objective reality the dreamers (or every human) know consciously, which transcends the Kantian transcendental idealism. What it really is is just adding on a counterargument on top of Kant's icing- yes, transcendental idealism holds, but humans are able to understand, and transcendental that idealism to appreciate that there is a reality out there that is really independent of what we may fancifully dream it to be.
A note on realism, idealism, TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM and TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM
So one important thing we have to clear before we proceed on- realism does not equate to transcendental realism, and idealism does not equate to transcendental idealism. Realism and idealism can be used in conjunction, since there is no possible way to know, or verify if a plane of existence is real or ideal.
Yet, the concept of transcendental realism means that realism is the terminal (or highest) form of this plane of existence. The concept of transcendental idealism means that idealism is the terminal form; however, we must understand that it does not make sense to believe in a mind floating in non-existence. So if we were to advocate transcendental idealism in its pure form, we're going to have an infinite plane of existences, or 'realities' so as to speak.
To keep things clear, we will use the following words in this style.
1) reality, 2) idealizations, 3) TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM and 4) TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM.
So what is the implications of Inception to these 2 nukes?
Okay coming back from la-la-land, so how does these two grandfather's story have in relation to a simple movie of Inception? Putting these concepts back, if it is indeed true that the totem doesn't fall, objective reality cannot hold- since his wife postulate that reality itself is but another idealized dream would bear truth. Since objectivity cannot hold, then we will have an infinite loop of idealizations. The concept of TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM, or that all apparent reality is no more than part of a mental construe of a higher idealization (or dream) would thus be the defining theme of the movie.
If the totem fell, the concepts of TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM would hold. So in other words, there is a base level of reality (instead of an infinite cycle of dreams), there is objectivity, and there is a terminal reality for us to return to. Life then, wouldn't be so complex.
in conclusion:
A) TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM = totem don't fall
So what is the big problem?
1) There is a some hints that its just a movie about dreams (idealizations)
The big problem only arises when we start confusing one transcendent for another. In a setting of inception, where the idea of a team of people invading a single person's dreams, the natural concept of idealism has to hold. Since its one person's (idealized) dream that is the reality of things, and the dream-scape of the person would really be the world for everybody to do their work within. This was mentioned in good detail, that the people in the dream-scape are merely projections of his mind, and how the team has to remain low to avoid detection by the 'god' of this transcendentally diminished world (aka the dreamer). Another obvious clue is when the dreamer has the power to warp the world as he wishes and bend all logical boundaries.
If the movie remains faithfully to the concept of idealism, we should be seeing a disjointed, highly perceptive and illogical muddle of dreams. The movie would make sense completely, but it would not be worth watching, this was pointed out by Harvard University dream researcher Deirdre Barrett.
So naturally, aspects of reality have to be incorporated within. And it did.
2) There is also strong hint that the themes of the movie is more than just dreams, but a play on the concept of realities
In the movie we see a lot of clues that point that the 'dreams' the characters are transversing are NOT idealizations, but actually realities on their own, no matter how warped it may seem. In the movie we see how many people are able to not only share the same dream, but to also bring in idealisms of their own to alter the parent dream of the target dreamer. The introduction of Leonardo's wife, and the train, and how Page manages to alter the reality of Leonardo's dream, hints that the 'dream' they are in doesn't belong fully Leonardo's but rather is a dream-scape originally from him, but subjective to modification, and re-conceptualization by other people. Simply speaking- think of it as a shared dream.
3) The problem of depicting it in the idea of realities- in form of a shared dream.
What is the problem with that? A shared dream, strictly speaking, is not a 'dream', and cannot be an idealization, because it does not belong to a single person's mind (ideal). You would hardly call the net-scape an idealized dream, because the world wide web is verifiable and accessible to more than a single person. You would even not call this reality a idealization, since (excluding God) to whose dream does it belong then? Rather, we would very conveniently call this a reality. But not in the case of inception- their shared dream appears like a reality.
4) A series of Realities imply TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM
Alright, so its not really a simple dream after all where we may wake up to a real world where falling off your toilet bowl means ouch, but rather like second-life, to lose oneself within. Yet, its the idea of a second life, or by all means a third or fourth life, that proves his wife to be CORRECT- that reality itself is no more than an idealized dream of a higher realism . There is no terminal end to this series of realities, each of which is a shared dream of another bigger shared dream, and an infinite loop of TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM will occur.
5) Meaning
And since Leonardo is forever in a dream, the totem should never fall.
The reason of limbo does not answer the question of the falling totem
There is speculation of a 3rd indicator- a final possibility that Leonardo is in limbo, or an idealized state of mind at the end of the show. While the concept of limbo implies that his body must be somewhere real (and there must be a real terminal end), we must bear in mind that it is NOT known if he is alive or dead at the end of the movie. So while this remains in doubt, the existence of a limbo cannot answer the question should the totem fall or not.
(Note: The question of the following totem answers the question if he is in limbo, but not vice versa)
Afterword
Well, in light of the fact that Inception is a movie that necessarily blends realistic aspects with idealized aspects to give the story weight, yet credibility (we saw what would happen if pure idealizations was used in); this very technical fact would imply that the totem should and should not fall at the same time. Should we wish to give maximum credit to the aspects and surrealism of the story, we would naturally have believed that the totem would not fall. But bearing in mind that the main target audiences of the film, we ought not deviate too far from the intended themes of 'just a play of dreams in life' and simply accept the belief that it will eventually fall.
Personally, I do not write this post in blatant criticism of the film, or the movie. I would agree that it would be best to leave it as a cliff-hanger, and allow both the layman and those in pursuit of deeper themes, to work their and see meaning own conclusions as they deem fit. Please do not use this post against me, or as an objective argument against others. The concepts of realism and idealism really transcend the boundaries of human knowledge, even in this plane of existence as I type, and much as I would like to speculate, I do not wish to assume that I know the answer of this question.
Enough madness- we need to get back to reality (what reality?)
Alright, the title speaks of my topic of the day- what I will say is really beyond the scope of the plot, so pardon me as I bring the nukes in.
One question that many people would ask about Inception is about the outcome of the spinning totem. Basically in the movie, Leonardo's totem would indicate objectively if he is within dream-scape, or is he back in reality. If it falls, its real, if it doesn't, he probably needs to wake up his idea.
Another question that was brought into the table is the 'fallacy' of his wife- that reality itself is no more than an idealized dream of a higher reality. One grave implication is that should she be right, then there technically can be an infinity of transcendental realities. In the movie it is implied that she is wrong, and there is an objective reality that the characters can return to.
Well, lets start by asking the same question as many would- would the totem fall?
First Postulate
On hindsight, yes. All implications points to the outcome that the totem should fall, since 1) it rounds up nicely the whole plot of 3 dreams. 2) it proves his wife is wrong (and we really hope his wife is). 3) Leonardo gets his happy ending, which is like awwww. Of course it would save me the entire problem of going into the transcendental problem, and I really dislike thinking too much over something that someone's ideas (movie) when I could really be doing more constructive things like cleaning my room or going to the zoo.
Whats wrong with the first postulate?
But the happy way out falls short of reason should more thought be brought into the movie. Not in terms of pure critique, but also in imagery and depiction. Fundamentally, the movie would be portraying dreams and reality rather inaccurately. The major reason? There is too much a hint of transcendental idealism, than transcendental realism within the movie itself. This leads to my belief that the 'dreams' the characters have, are not true mental (idealized) perceptions, but rather objectively (realized) shared perceptions of a diminished (but evident) reality.
HUH? Okay, so we have to go deeper into the rabbit hole. By doing this, we will have to bring into question the concepts of transcendental idealism and transcendental realism.
A bit on the 2 nukes: Transcendental Idealism and Realism
What is transcendental idealism, or transcendental realism?
Loosely speaking, transcendental idealism is a Kantian postulate that humans may only appreciate, and experience reality as how they appear (or are idealized by the person) to be. Strictly speaking, space and time (reality) is no more than relationships between idealized proponents, since the mind does not perceive distance in and of themselves, but rather relates it in relation to what it deems as distance and duration. Simply speaking to the individual, whatever bullshit there may be, it is all a dream, and the dream is the end of all things.
On the other hand, transcendental realism is a philosophical idea that there is an objective reality the dreamers (or every human) know consciously, which transcends the Kantian transcendental idealism. What it really is is just adding on a counterargument on top of Kant's icing- yes, transcendental idealism holds, but humans are able to understand, and transcendental that idealism to appreciate that there is a reality out there that is really independent of what we may fancifully dream it to be.
A note on realism, idealism, TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM and TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM
So one important thing we have to clear before we proceed on- realism does not equate to transcendental realism, and idealism does not equate to transcendental idealism. Realism and idealism can be used in conjunction, since there is no possible way to know, or verify if a plane of existence is real or ideal.
Yet, the concept of transcendental realism means that realism is the terminal (or highest) form of this plane of existence. The concept of transcendental idealism means that idealism is the terminal form; however, we must understand that it does not make sense to believe in a mind floating in non-existence. So if we were to advocate transcendental idealism in its pure form, we're going to have an infinite plane of existences, or 'realities' so as to speak.
To keep things clear, we will use the following words in this style.
1) reality, 2) idealizations, 3) TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM and 4) TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM.
So what is the implications of Inception to these 2 nukes?
Okay coming back from la-la-land, so how does these two grandfather's story have in relation to a simple movie of Inception? Putting these concepts back, if it is indeed true that the totem doesn't fall, objective reality cannot hold- since his wife postulate that reality itself is but another idealized dream would bear truth. Since objectivity cannot hold, then we will have an infinite loop of idealizations. The concept of TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM, or that all apparent reality is no more than part of a mental construe of a higher idealization (or dream) would thus be the defining theme of the movie.
If the totem fell, the concepts of TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM would hold. So in other words, there is a base level of reality (instead of an infinite cycle of dreams), there is objectivity, and there is a terminal reality for us to return to. Life then, wouldn't be so complex.
in conclusion:
A) TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM = totem don't fall
B) TRANSCENDENTAL REALISM = totem falls
So what is the big problem?
1) There is a some hints that its just a movie about dreams (idealizations)
The big problem only arises when we start confusing one transcendent for another. In a setting of inception, where the idea of a team of people invading a single person's dreams, the natural concept of idealism has to hold. Since its one person's (idealized) dream that is the reality of things, and the dream-scape of the person would really be the world for everybody to do their work within. This was mentioned in good detail, that the people in the dream-scape are merely projections of his mind, and how the team has to remain low to avoid detection by the 'god' of this transcendentally diminished world (aka the dreamer). Another obvious clue is when the dreamer has the power to warp the world as he wishes and bend all logical boundaries.
If the movie remains faithfully to the concept of idealism, we should be seeing a disjointed, highly perceptive and illogical muddle of dreams. The movie would make sense completely, but it would not be worth watching, this was pointed out by Harvard University dream researcher Deirdre Barrett.
So naturally, aspects of reality have to be incorporated within. And it did.
2) There is also strong hint that the themes of the movie is more than just dreams, but a play on the concept of realities
In the movie we see a lot of clues that point that the 'dreams' the characters are transversing are NOT idealizations, but actually realities on their own, no matter how warped it may seem. In the movie we see how many people are able to not only share the same dream, but to also bring in idealisms of their own to alter the parent dream of the target dreamer. The introduction of Leonardo's wife, and the train, and how Page manages to alter the reality of Leonardo's dream, hints that the 'dream' they are in doesn't belong fully Leonardo's but rather is a dream-scape originally from him, but subjective to modification, and re-conceptualization by other people. Simply speaking- think of it as a shared dream.
3) The problem of depicting it in the idea of realities- in form of a shared dream.
What is the problem with that? A shared dream, strictly speaking, is not a 'dream', and cannot be an idealization, because it does not belong to a single person's mind (ideal). You would hardly call the net-scape an idealized dream, because the world wide web is verifiable and accessible to more than a single person. You would even not call this reality a idealization, since (excluding God) to whose dream does it belong then? Rather, we would very conveniently call this a reality. But not in the case of inception- their shared dream appears like a reality.
4) A series of Realities imply TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM
4a) When there is a series of realities, you get an infinite loop of realities.
4b) In a case of a reality in another, the smaller reality becomes an idealization.
4c) The concept of TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM holds.
Alright, so its not really a simple dream after all where we may wake up to a real world where falling off your toilet bowl means ouch, but rather like second-life, to lose oneself within. Yet, its the idea of a second life, or by all means a third or fourth life, that proves his wife to be CORRECT- that reality itself is no more than an idealized dream of a higher realism . There is no terminal end to this series of realities, each of which is a shared dream of another bigger shared dream, and an infinite loop of TRANSCENDENTAL IDEALISM will occur.
5) Meaning
And since Leonardo is forever in a dream, the totem should never fall.
The reason of limbo does not answer the question of the falling totem
There is speculation of a 3rd indicator- a final possibility that Leonardo is in limbo, or an idealized state of mind at the end of the show. While the concept of limbo implies that his body must be somewhere real (and there must be a real terminal end), we must bear in mind that it is NOT known if he is alive or dead at the end of the movie. So while this remains in doubt, the existence of a limbo cannot answer the question should the totem fall or not.
(Note: The question of the following totem answers the question if he is in limbo, but not vice versa)
Afterword
Well, in light of the fact that Inception is a movie that necessarily blends realistic aspects with idealized aspects to give the story weight, yet credibility (we saw what would happen if pure idealizations was used in); this very technical fact would imply that the totem should and should not fall at the same time. Should we wish to give maximum credit to the aspects and surrealism of the story, we would naturally have believed that the totem would not fall. But bearing in mind that the main target audiences of the film, we ought not deviate too far from the intended themes of 'just a play of dreams in life' and simply accept the belief that it will eventually fall.
Personally, I do not write this post in blatant criticism of the film, or the movie. I would agree that it would be best to leave it as a cliff-hanger, and allow both the layman and those in pursuit of deeper themes, to work their and see meaning own conclusions as they deem fit. Please do not use this post against me, or as an objective argument against others. The concepts of realism and idealism really transcend the boundaries of human knowledge, even in this plane of existence as I type, and much as I would like to speculate, I do not wish to assume that I know the answer of this question.
Enough madness- we need to get back to reality (what reality?)
03 August 2010
Hiring
Yes, I know I don't usually propagate deals on my blog, but let this be an exception.
I need proof-readers for a prototype story. But before I start hiring people into an unknown deal which might end up compromising their virginity or lives, below listed are some of the possible things you might want to look for:
The story to be proof-read is a prototype story. This means that the story itself is not complete, and there is little reference stories (of the similar genre) to draw comparison from. The general themes of the story is a merge of 'slice-of-life genres', 'contemporary realistic narration' and philosophical ideals. The scope of philosophy can range from simple opinions to transcendentalism.
The general setting of the story is about 16-17 year old females in Junior College. There is no restriction on males in the story, or whether the story go beyond the school-life setting. But for now we won't be expecting space marines in lion suits, or dream thieves out in a conspiracy to save humanity from total annihilation from the masala wars of little India. (although the themes of transcendentalism is worth expanding upon)
The aims of this project is a story that introduce the above-mentioned philosophical ideals in contemporary living, and see how they can be emplace realistically. This story is on a private domain, so don't worry, we will not use any of your points against you in the court of law.
Okay, we have got the general gist of the story out so far, now a few things for aspiring proof readers:
1) Be okay with slice-of-life-themes (this one is no problem at all to most of us, as long as you live a life)
2) Be okay with fictional girls who are NOT sexualized. (Yes, no porn, and no Moe Moe Kyun-s)
3) Appreciative of the deeper ends of philo and idealism. I DO NOT mean that you have to be intellectual, or must be passionate for philosophy to proof-read this story. Just as long as you don't have a revolt for it, or stereotype it to be 'cheem stuff' meant for old men or elitists.
4) Lastly, I need a definite opinion, so please don't say "It's cool" or "It sucks" without justifying how or why. Any form of justification is accepted, and there is no 'you are smarter than I am' nonsense. I don't need a 800 word critique (although I don't mind), or literary analysis, but at least- a follow up on MSN would do just fine.
5) You may suggest anything- from new characters, to pointing flaws in argumentation or in-feasibility of thought. And should you wish, be part of the construct team. Of course I myself will take responsibility to ensure that all opinions will be taken under serious consideration. An online copy will be made available for your reference and editing then.
The pay for this proof-read is transacted in bottles of iced lemon tea. It is non-refundable or non-transactional, if you don't like iced lemon tea, any non-alcoholic drinks are available at your request.
Otherwise have fun, and I'll be looking forward to hear from you soon.
I need proof-readers for a prototype story. But before I start hiring people into an unknown deal which might end up compromising their virginity or lives, below listed are some of the possible things you might want to look for:
The story to be proof-read is a prototype story. This means that the story itself is not complete, and there is little reference stories (of the similar genre) to draw comparison from. The general themes of the story is a merge of 'slice-of-life genres', 'contemporary realistic narration' and philosophical ideals. The scope of philosophy can range from simple opinions to transcendentalism.
The general setting of the story is about 16-17 year old females in Junior College. There is no restriction on males in the story, or whether the story go beyond the school-life setting. But for now we won't be expecting space marines in lion suits, or dream thieves out in a conspiracy to save humanity from total annihilation from the masala wars of little India. (although the themes of transcendentalism is worth expanding upon)
The aims of this project is a story that introduce the above-mentioned philosophical ideals in contemporary living, and see how they can be emplace realistically. This story is on a private domain, so don't worry, we will not use any of your points against you in the court of law.
Okay, we have got the general gist of the story out so far, now a few things for aspiring proof readers:
1) Be okay with slice-of-life-themes (this one is no problem at all to most of us, as long as you live a life)
2) Be okay with fictional girls who are NOT sexualized. (Yes, no porn, and no Moe Moe Kyun-s)
3) Appreciative of the deeper ends of philo and idealism. I DO NOT mean that you have to be intellectual, or must be passionate for philosophy to proof-read this story. Just as long as you don't have a revolt for it, or stereotype it to be 'cheem stuff' meant for old men or elitists.
4) Lastly, I need a definite opinion, so please don't say "It's cool" or "It sucks" without justifying how or why. Any form of justification is accepted, and there is no 'you are smarter than I am' nonsense. I don't need a 800 word critique (although I don't mind), or literary analysis, but at least- a follow up on MSN would do just fine.
5) You may suggest anything- from new characters, to pointing flaws in argumentation or in-feasibility of thought. And should you wish, be part of the construct team. Of course I myself will take responsibility to ensure that all opinions will be taken under serious consideration. An online copy will be made available for your reference and editing then.
The pay for this proof-read is transacted in bottles of iced lemon tea. It is non-refundable or non-transactional, if you don't like iced lemon tea, any non-alcoholic drinks are available at your request.
Otherwise have fun, and I'll be looking forward to hear from you soon.
31 July 2010
Take 3 of Mio
I am sure the title is more than familiar to some by now. We already have a good insight of who Mio is, where is she from, and why is she here. Ass for the question of 'why take 3'? I have taken this picture to be an experiment in hybridizing T1.8 drawing styles with T1.7 pictures.
One of the main problems in T1.7 style drawing is the heavy mathematical formula required in constructing the face. While that does give a well-rounded face that is greatly proportionate, its main drawback is that most of the pictures generated are formulaic and repetitive. I was essentially changing hairstyles and clothes for every new picture; otherwise, everything else was pretty much the same- and before long, boredom sets in.
On the other hand, I had picked up T1.8 drawings over the past 2 weeks. T1.8 drawings differ considerably from T1.7 primarily due to the referencing and method of construction. There was no formula for T1.8, except a keen eye, a good intuitive sense, as well as a photo-realistic reference material. While that allows me to draw more variety, I am merely copying originals, and serve no purpose to create arbitrary characters.
It was vexing, I needed the ability to draw (and convert) characters, and I needed fluidity (not mathematics). Previous attempts at drawing complex poses using the T1.7 method of construction (measure shoulder length, correlate hand stick movements) were tedious, and did not produce the best results. I took a break on drawing for two weeks, trying to bring together the two sides of the equation. Today I finally found the answer:
That was how Mio came out in the wash- a woman, with a slight bit of anime undertones, but looks natural. Apart from basic measurements of eye size and spacing, as well as general nose/mouth proportions, everything else was added intuitively. I kept the shadings rough this time, since I was simulating the use of a charcoal pencil. A few modifications to the thickness of the eyebrows, the nose shape (still not perfect but evolving), and the dynamic movement of hair to add more life into the picture. The end product was a T1.7 drawing, with potential to convert to a T1.8 detail picture at any moment as long as I can get hold of a photo of any woman's face; Mio never looked so attractive before. LOL.
Of course the picture is still far from perfect. Many aspects could still be fine tuned, or brought up in greater detail for it to go beyond the T1.7 standard. I am not too anxious to reproduce reality though. I appreciate my drawing style, since it fittingly depicts my innate moderation between anime and contemporary art styles. But while I there is always room for improvement, there is of course room for appreciation- on how Mio killed the witch for the 3rd time.
Genre: Version 1.7 anime/manga conversions
Source Material: Mio Akiyama; Version 1.3 depiction.
Secondary Reference Material: Attempt #07- Yui Hirasawa
Dimensions: 20 : 25 cm bust portrait
Idealism factor: 50%
Duration: 2.5 hours (surprisingly quick)
Comments: Drawing construct for this portrait is new and largely intuitive. Shading for this portrait is much more rough than the usual shading styles, and the picture is much darker than before. Picture outlines may be slightly too dark, and may be reduced to give the picture a more 'solid' look. Work still underway to perfect the nose. Otherwise, the best depiction of Mio of the 3. Btw, she's hot.
One of the main problems in T1.7 style drawing is the heavy mathematical formula required in constructing the face. While that does give a well-rounded face that is greatly proportionate, its main drawback is that most of the pictures generated are formulaic and repetitive. I was essentially changing hairstyles and clothes for every new picture; otherwise, everything else was pretty much the same- and before long, boredom sets in.
On the other hand, I had picked up T1.8 drawings over the past 2 weeks. T1.8 drawings differ considerably from T1.7 primarily due to the referencing and method of construction. There was no formula for T1.8, except a keen eye, a good intuitive sense, as well as a photo-realistic reference material. While that allows me to draw more variety, I am merely copying originals, and serve no purpose to create arbitrary characters.
It was vexing, I needed the ability to draw (and convert) characters, and I needed fluidity (not mathematics). Previous attempts at drawing complex poses using the T1.7 method of construction (measure shoulder length, correlate hand stick movements) were tedious, and did not produce the best results. I took a break on drawing for two weeks, trying to bring together the two sides of the equation. Today I finally found the answer:
That was how Mio came out in the wash- a woman, with a slight bit of anime undertones, but looks natural. Apart from basic measurements of eye size and spacing, as well as general nose/mouth proportions, everything else was added intuitively. I kept the shadings rough this time, since I was simulating the use of a charcoal pencil. A few modifications to the thickness of the eyebrows, the nose shape (still not perfect but evolving), and the dynamic movement of hair to add more life into the picture. The end product was a T1.7 drawing, with potential to convert to a T1.8 detail picture at any moment as long as I can get hold of a photo of any woman's face; Mio never looked so attractive before. LOL.
Of course the picture is still far from perfect. Many aspects could still be fine tuned, or brought up in greater detail for it to go beyond the T1.7 standard. I am not too anxious to reproduce reality though. I appreciate my drawing style, since it fittingly depicts my innate moderation between anime and contemporary art styles. But while I there is always room for improvement, there is of course room for appreciation- on how Mio killed the witch for the 3rd time.
Genre: Version 1.7 anime/manga conversions
Source Material: Mio Akiyama; Version 1.3 depiction.
Secondary Reference Material: Attempt #07- Yui Hirasawa
Dimensions: 20 : 25 cm bust portrait
Idealism factor: 50%
Duration: 2.5 hours (surprisingly quick)
Comments: Drawing construct for this portrait is new and largely intuitive. Shading for this portrait is much more rough than the usual shading styles, and the picture is much darker than before. Picture outlines may be slightly too dark, and may be reduced to give the picture a more 'solid' look. Work still underway to perfect the nose. Otherwise, the best depiction of Mio of the 3. Btw, she's hot.
Some upcoming projects
I think I kinda hit a slight conflict in the midst of episode 1, and I am rather confused for now- I don't think it's major, but definitely I need a second opinion asap.
This story was meant to be lighthearted. That was the deal- to write a simple and heartwarming story, and make it accessible to the general public. I advocate this stand- since I partially don't want to repeat the themes of tension, poignancy and melancholy as of the Kimmie World. Moreover, I am currently following a light-hearted slice-of-life series titled K-ON! (Keion). The premise is rather similar: five girls in a school setting; I would gladly adapt this theme into a Singaporean context and highlight some simple yet meaningful themes of adolescent life from within.
On the other hand, there is this much much more complex.... bordering insane desire within me to bridge my realism-idealism gap, primarily by manifesting the entirety of the RN domain into the story itself. Evidently, all hell would break loose should I bridge this gap, since a lot of these thoughts are invasive, nightmarish, psychedelic, and even cult-like. This desire is only fueled by the appearance of Rach-Nat in the story: she is the embodiment of this dis-union, and she is not going to be a space marine anytime soon.
So how am I supposed to advance this story? The delicate balance between subtly implied themes and a lighthearted story is really a big trouble for me. Since the more I try to move away from the moe themes I try to get more realistic, and as I get more realistic I get more idealistic in my thinking. On the other hand, the less realistic I get, the higher tendency for me to disregard idealism for good and move towards pure eye-candy and fun. Of course, homogeneous moderation could be achieved, but what I fear is that the story might end up neither here or there, meaning that the themes are not picked up, and the story slightly too realistic to retain it's charm.
The last standing option is to really split this story down into two and proceed with a very simple narration, as well as a very complex interpretation simultaneously. I have experimented with that, with Sarah's depiction and Rach-Nat's depiction, and the segments worked out perfectly. Moreover, the great discrepancy between realism and idealism is established, a key factor I could previously not portray with words alone. I had a couple beta readers on the ball- they are all freaked out by Rach's segments. Evidently, the discrepancy is too large, even to speculate as a reader with all the underlying intentions made clear to them.
What's left to question now is this: do I want to further tone down the themes of this story? Or should I leave it and proceed with another documentary that would probably win the favor of none? On hindsight I would want to tone down the entire system, I would want to establish character repertoire (make them cute). A simple moral at the end of the episode is enough to keep me happy, but is that what I truly desire- to remake another K-ON! series? (by the way they have little moral of the stories at the end of some of their episodes- its heartening to know that, but much as I respect the series I do not wish to imitate it).
A few questions then- What would be the defining traits of this story? Would it be characters or themes? Would it be plot, or style? Would it be a consistent tonality (a sure win), or a very radical story with different narration styles accompanying different characters (and try to see irreconcilably not as a weakness, but a strength)?
I don't want to make these decision myself anymore- given myself, I'll probably end up writing two different stories at the end of the day. Sell out the marketable one, and reserve the censored one as fine-arts or something. I could go both ways, or I could go neither ways. I'd rather just follow the instructions of others, hopefully with a little discernment along the way.
Well, if there is anyone on this domain who wishes to be a beta reader, just leave me a personal message on my IM, I'll link you to the online copy (with footnotes). All comments are appreciated, because I really need them. Till then, I guess I'll mull a little more- I've still got 14 days, and I don't want to rush things just yet.
This story was meant to be lighthearted. That was the deal- to write a simple and heartwarming story, and make it accessible to the general public. I advocate this stand- since I partially don't want to repeat the themes of tension, poignancy and melancholy as of the Kimmie World. Moreover, I am currently following a light-hearted slice-of-life series titled K-ON! (Keion). The premise is rather similar: five girls in a school setting; I would gladly adapt this theme into a Singaporean context and highlight some simple yet meaningful themes of adolescent life from within.
On the other hand, there is this much much more complex.... bordering insane desire within me to bridge my realism-idealism gap, primarily by manifesting the entirety of the RN domain into the story itself. Evidently, all hell would break loose should I bridge this gap, since a lot of these thoughts are invasive, nightmarish, psychedelic, and even cult-like. This desire is only fueled by the appearance of Rach-Nat in the story: she is the embodiment of this dis-union, and she is not going to be a space marine anytime soon.
So how am I supposed to advance this story? The delicate balance between subtly implied themes and a lighthearted story is really a big trouble for me. Since the more I try to move away from the moe themes I try to get more realistic, and as I get more realistic I get more idealistic in my thinking. On the other hand, the less realistic I get, the higher tendency for me to disregard idealism for good and move towards pure eye-candy and fun. Of course, homogeneous moderation could be achieved, but what I fear is that the story might end up neither here or there, meaning that the themes are not picked up, and the story slightly too realistic to retain it's charm.
The last standing option is to really split this story down into two and proceed with a very simple narration, as well as a very complex interpretation simultaneously. I have experimented with that, with Sarah's depiction and Rach-Nat's depiction, and the segments worked out perfectly. Moreover, the great discrepancy between realism and idealism is established, a key factor I could previously not portray with words alone. I had a couple beta readers on the ball- they are all freaked out by Rach's segments. Evidently, the discrepancy is too large, even to speculate as a reader with all the underlying intentions made clear to them.
What's left to question now is this: do I want to further tone down the themes of this story? Or should I leave it and proceed with another documentary that would probably win the favor of none? On hindsight I would want to tone down the entire system, I would want to establish character repertoire (make them cute). A simple moral at the end of the episode is enough to keep me happy, but is that what I truly desire- to remake another K-ON! series? (by the way they have little moral of the stories at the end of some of their episodes- its heartening to know that, but much as I respect the series I do not wish to imitate it).
A few questions then- What would be the defining traits of this story? Would it be characters or themes? Would it be plot, or style? Would it be a consistent tonality (a sure win), or a very radical story with different narration styles accompanying different characters (and try to see irreconcilably not as a weakness, but a strength)?
I don't want to make these decision myself anymore- given myself, I'll probably end up writing two different stories at the end of the day. Sell out the marketable one, and reserve the censored one as fine-arts or something. I could go both ways, or I could go neither ways. I'd rather just follow the instructions of others, hopefully with a little discernment along the way.
Well, if there is anyone on this domain who wishes to be a beta reader, just leave me a personal message on my IM, I'll link you to the online copy (with footnotes). All comments are appreciated, because I really need them. Till then, I guess I'll mull a little more- I've still got 14 days, and I don't want to rush things just yet.
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