December usually calls for a period of intense writing. This year, things seem to be a little different from the previous years.
No harm in breaking the usual protocols. Taiwan trip 2010 was awesome- three days in the mountains (and one freezing night w/o heating) led to two nights at Taipei's night markets and one nasty cold back to Singapore. The takeaways from the trip too were bountiful. Apart from the usual boxes of biscuits and snacks, there was time to sit down, relax over a cup of coffee, and meditate on a rock.
What really got in was the message of the pace of living. The tour guide had made it an elaborate point to try to make the entire tour as fuss-free and easy going as possible. And there we saw the calmer, more relaxing side of Taiwan we'll probably never see on a free and easy to Taipei. I remember there was this question : "We don't know what we're rushing for" raised on the last day. I had not paid much attention to the question then, but immediately after I touched down in Singapore 7 hours later, I guess I was caught in full blast of it.
First thing during touchdown must check email for updates, then must go on Facebook (its something like a 2nd nature for me) and see how Singapore has progressed while I was MIA. The next morning, start the day with arranging meet ups with various groups of friends to eat sun biscuits and celebrate Christmas. Leave the house shortly after to kick-start the first meeting, and come back only at 10pm at night.
December 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th. Unpacking only completed on the 27th, my jacket smelled like a sewer when I finally took it out.
Yet the meetings were fun, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.
So no time to write. Well, its not as if writing was something I was made to do, but definitely there is still that little element of 'something's missing' when something that has been done for 10 years was discontinued. No short poems, no long-winded narratives, no emotional dairy posts or expository essays. These works, usually done in silence in the corner of my room, are now replaced by the funk of meeting new people, going to new places, doing interesting stuff, and experiencing Christmas as a community. Strictly speaking, nothing's really lost- even if I am seemingly rushing like what the tour guide has said. I guess what really makes a difference is that we're rushing for something meaningful to us and others, anxious for goodness, rather than simply rushing for the sake of rushing.
Beans.
Well then, what lies ahead is module biddings and the new year. I am still quite quacked by the prospect of 2011, but I guess extensive abrupt changes are exciting, sultry, and irresistible (no puns intended). Till then, have yourself a merry little Christmas, and do hang a shining star upon the highest bough yah?
27 December 2010
13 December 2010
A retreat in communion
Before I start, there has been this great debate within if this post could ever be written out. I wanted to write a post on the CSS retreat ever since the day before yesterday, yet I was just too tired to make it before the second paragraph. Yesterday was an entire day out with a greater exposure to western graphic novels. Today is stay-in day, I'll be heading down to IMH for CAW meeting at six, and I'll be leaving for Taiwan tomorrow.
In the past I would usually post a triad of three questions: "What have I gained, what have I lost, and what has changed ultimately?" these questions had been designed for me to reflect on the events that happened over the past few days, and from there see how it is possible to make more meaningful changes so as to improve. These questions are good I guess, however today I would like to slightly tweak shift the focus of these questions from merely on how I feel, to include other people as well.
Personally these few days had been nothing short of 'life-changing'. The retreat from the 9th-11th December was something I would testify as meaningful, despite the little technical difficulties that we had encountered along the way. I was not in the organizing committee, so I guess I am not in a position to comment on how much a success this retreat was in comparison to other retreats of similar kind. I was, in His grace, a facilitator for a small group. There were eight people (including two facils) within, and this is where my journey truly began.
I guess 'self-centeredness' was something I could describe myself over the past few years. I had always backpacked that attitude of self-serving ideology wherever I went, and beyond the cool insight and sense of poetic justice what lay beneath was just a shell of indifference, distance and introversion. That attitude had followed me straight into day 0- and I remembered giving a rather lukewarm answer when my friends asked me how I felt about the (then) upcoming camp. There was a briefing on the agendas and tonality of the retreat, and then a demonstrating session on the MAGiS circle. I felt slightly more excited after that, but that was nothing close in comparison to true Joy.
Day 1 started off with slightly more apprehension. I was not ready for this retreat myself, I kept telling myself, let alone make room in my heart for others. Ice breakers and games were fun and everybody enjoyed it. I looked forward to the talks, hoped they were congruent with those theories I came up before, so that I could 'throw in the bomb' during sharing sessions and turn it into some deranged PH1101E session and do justice to myself. That was how it had been, I kept telling myself, that was how I have always been: Another experience to go by with nothing gained and everything lost, and at the end of the day see that nothing has changed ultimately. But I was foolish then, and the Lord had other plans.
What happened afterwards was really out of my control. I did not actively plan (as expected) on what to say specifically during the evening sharing session. And I still did not understand what led me to state that "let this not be a competition of ideas, on how intelligent it sounds, or how well we can express ourselves; but rather a simple, personal yet meaningful session where we may testify our experiences with God and from there grow together..." My group took over from that point, and everybody shared beautifully. Day one came and went, and in relief I retired for the night.
What happened in day 2 was queer. There was this inner prompting to leave it all to the Spirit in trust, and after the morning reflection session I was no longer making plans but actually following plans: God's plan, we realized later. I did not gain the intellectual insight I expected from the sessions from the speakers, yet I was no longer restless nor exceedingly expectant. It was as though my will had completely vanished- that will I had always wielded to 'make my stand' in this 'world of adversity' . Perhaps I had gone soft in the knees, or perhaps I am starting to believe in sunflowers, rainbows and kittens- No. The afternoon session came, and that was really the turning point of everything.
Perhaps it was the briefing we had after lunch by the organizing committee on the shift in agendas for this retreat, and perhaps it was something my co-facil said to me after that. She stated that she was not really expecting something personal for this retreat (something I had always been hoping) but rather really wanted to help facilitate for the sake of helping. Perhaps it was the theme of this camp on reconciliation, unity, communion and service. Or perhaps it was the very personal (and meaningful) stories that came from my group during the past two sharing sessions that told me that everybody too has a struggle for reconciliation which is real and equally dire to my own. These promptings, adding on to the sharing sessions of will, personality and expectations, brought me to understand that I was here not because of my own problems only, but because I am a part of community I never truly recognized as my own. It is not an obligation, but an imperative to thus see beyond myself, all those self-serving theories, and my highly idealistic concepts of true love; and move on towards showing actual concern. Moreover, this is something I can never achieve on my own free will, but only when I have submitted my will to His higher will may I have the grace to see beyond myself in the first place.
I am never sure how I managed to facilitate the last session. I don't think I did say anything particularly impressive, but we talked and that was all it mattered for me. Some of the quieter members shared very personal anecdotes we all felt elated for each other. We gave encouragement to each other, and we all could relate to each other. Facilitator or participant, seniority or faculty, service or reception- it all didn't matter anymore. None but a pure unadulterated conviction to reconcile and reunite- be it within oneself, with others, or with Him.
I ran for the sacrament of reconciliation immediately after benediction. Six months of reservedness did not stop me. Nothing could I guess, yet this will is not mine to make.
Yet it was day three that got me thinking. The slight disagreement on the six words for the community epitomized that reconciliation and communion is not merely this one-off experience, but an ongoing journey with its struggles. The question of concrete words, in contrasted with abstract ideals, mirrored the innate struggle. The outcome on what happened exactly was not important. What mattered I guess is that as long as we're all consciously trying to live out this ideal, by real actions of mercy and forgiveness and love, what lies beyond then will not be a question of possibility or feasibility, but eventuality.
So back to the three fundamental questions.
In retrospect, what I have lost on face value was immense- I lost a lifestyle I had proudly labelled as 'my-own', all the castles I had built upon my ego, the expectations I had, and the man-made-church attitudes that accompanied with the trophies. I stashed my writings and campaign (projects) carefully back into the drawer- not in an attempt to obliviate my heritage, but to ensure I do not become too wallowed in these materials they become the center of my life. On a deeper level, what I really lost was selfishness and indifference, I am not so certain as to stating I'll lose them for good, but as much as possible, and by His grace, i'll try not to (sin) again.
What have I gained? Friends would be too much a face-value statement. Communion on the other hand would be too abstract (accurate though). So I guess what I really acquired is actually both, I hope that they too will see the same, and so in this way what I have gained this retreat is no longer that self centered realization or enlightenment but truly a shared journey. (Not that we can't expect personal consolation from Him, but to each his own, and I guess His call for me is to stop looking within and start looking out for others too). Not forgetting the vertical dimension of things and the sacrament of reconciliation, those too were awesome. Now how cool can this get?
I don't think I can answer the last question for now. I am not the measure of things, so in a way I am never qualified to objectively gauge how much things have change for the better (hopefully not worse). I'll leave this question to whomever around me: new or old friends, and ultimately back up to the Lord. As much as I know, I am still a journey in the process, still self actualizing, still in reconciliation and reunion (and reaffirmation), yet as much as possible, trying to realize all of the above into meaningful thoughts, words and actions. And by His grace, and the support of those around me, with the meaningful lessons I have derived from this retreat, live on, love on, and of course, rock on.
In the past I would usually post a triad of three questions: "What have I gained, what have I lost, and what has changed ultimately?" these questions had been designed for me to reflect on the events that happened over the past few days, and from there see how it is possible to make more meaningful changes so as to improve. These questions are good I guess, however today I would like to slightly tweak shift the focus of these questions from merely on how I feel, to include other people as well.
Personally these few days had been nothing short of 'life-changing'. The retreat from the 9th-11th December was something I would testify as meaningful, despite the little technical difficulties that we had encountered along the way. I was not in the organizing committee, so I guess I am not in a position to comment on how much a success this retreat was in comparison to other retreats of similar kind. I was, in His grace, a facilitator for a small group. There were eight people (including two facils) within, and this is where my journey truly began.
I guess 'self-centeredness' was something I could describe myself over the past few years. I had always backpacked that attitude of self-serving ideology wherever I went, and beyond the cool insight and sense of poetic justice what lay beneath was just a shell of indifference, distance and introversion. That attitude had followed me straight into day 0- and I remembered giving a rather lukewarm answer when my friends asked me how I felt about the (then) upcoming camp. There was a briefing on the agendas and tonality of the retreat, and then a demonstrating session on the MAGiS circle. I felt slightly more excited after that, but that was nothing close in comparison to true Joy.
Day 1 started off with slightly more apprehension. I was not ready for this retreat myself, I kept telling myself, let alone make room in my heart for others. Ice breakers and games were fun and everybody enjoyed it. I looked forward to the talks, hoped they were congruent with those theories I came up before, so that I could 'throw in the bomb' during sharing sessions and turn it into some deranged PH1101E session and do justice to myself. That was how it had been, I kept telling myself, that was how I have always been: Another experience to go by with nothing gained and everything lost, and at the end of the day see that nothing has changed ultimately. But I was foolish then, and the Lord had other plans.
What happened afterwards was really out of my control. I did not actively plan (as expected) on what to say specifically during the evening sharing session. And I still did not understand what led me to state that "let this not be a competition of ideas, on how intelligent it sounds, or how well we can express ourselves; but rather a simple, personal yet meaningful session where we may testify our experiences with God and from there grow together..." My group took over from that point, and everybody shared beautifully. Day one came and went, and in relief I retired for the night.
What happened in day 2 was queer. There was this inner prompting to leave it all to the Spirit in trust, and after the morning reflection session I was no longer making plans but actually following plans: God's plan, we realized later. I did not gain the intellectual insight I expected from the sessions from the speakers, yet I was no longer restless nor exceedingly expectant. It was as though my will had completely vanished- that will I had always wielded to 'make my stand' in this 'world of adversity' . Perhaps I had gone soft in the knees, or perhaps I am starting to believe in sunflowers, rainbows and kittens- No. The afternoon session came, and that was really the turning point of everything.
Perhaps it was the briefing we had after lunch by the organizing committee on the shift in agendas for this retreat, and perhaps it was something my co-facil said to me after that. She stated that she was not really expecting something personal for this retreat (something I had always been hoping) but rather really wanted to help facilitate for the sake of helping. Perhaps it was the theme of this camp on reconciliation, unity, communion and service. Or perhaps it was the very personal (and meaningful) stories that came from my group during the past two sharing sessions that told me that everybody too has a struggle for reconciliation which is real and equally dire to my own. These promptings, adding on to the sharing sessions of will, personality and expectations, brought me to understand that I was here not because of my own problems only, but because I am a part of community I never truly recognized as my own. It is not an obligation, but an imperative to thus see beyond myself, all those self-serving theories, and my highly idealistic concepts of true love; and move on towards showing actual concern. Moreover, this is something I can never achieve on my own free will, but only when I have submitted my will to His higher will may I have the grace to see beyond myself in the first place.
I am never sure how I managed to facilitate the last session. I don't think I did say anything particularly impressive, but we talked and that was all it mattered for me. Some of the quieter members shared very personal anecdotes we all felt elated for each other. We gave encouragement to each other, and we all could relate to each other. Facilitator or participant, seniority or faculty, service or reception- it all didn't matter anymore. None but a pure unadulterated conviction to reconcile and reunite- be it within oneself, with others, or with Him.
I ran for the sacrament of reconciliation immediately after benediction. Six months of reservedness did not stop me. Nothing could I guess, yet this will is not mine to make.
Yet it was day three that got me thinking. The slight disagreement on the six words for the community epitomized that reconciliation and communion is not merely this one-off experience, but an ongoing journey with its struggles. The question of concrete words, in contrasted with abstract ideals, mirrored the innate struggle. The outcome on what happened exactly was not important. What mattered I guess is that as long as we're all consciously trying to live out this ideal, by real actions of mercy and forgiveness and love, what lies beyond then will not be a question of possibility or feasibility, but eventuality.
So back to the three fundamental questions.
In retrospect, what I have lost on face value was immense- I lost a lifestyle I had proudly labelled as 'my-own', all the castles I had built upon my ego, the expectations I had, and the man-made-church attitudes that accompanied with the trophies. I stashed my writings and campaign (projects) carefully back into the drawer- not in an attempt to obliviate my heritage, but to ensure I do not become too wallowed in these materials they become the center of my life. On a deeper level, what I really lost was selfishness and indifference, I am not so certain as to stating I'll lose them for good, but as much as possible, and by His grace, i'll try not to (sin) again.
What have I gained? Friends would be too much a face-value statement. Communion on the other hand would be too abstract (accurate though). So I guess what I really acquired is actually both, I hope that they too will see the same, and so in this way what I have gained this retreat is no longer that self centered realization or enlightenment but truly a shared journey. (Not that we can't expect personal consolation from Him, but to each his own, and I guess His call for me is to stop looking within and start looking out for others too). Not forgetting the vertical dimension of things and the sacrament of reconciliation, those too were awesome. Now how cool can this get?
I don't think I can answer the last question for now. I am not the measure of things, so in a way I am never qualified to objectively gauge how much things have change for the better (hopefully not worse). I'll leave this question to whomever around me: new or old friends, and ultimately back up to the Lord. As much as I know, I am still a journey in the process, still self actualizing, still in reconciliation and reunion (and reaffirmation), yet as much as possible, trying to realize all of the above into meaningful thoughts, words and actions. And by His grace, and the support of those around me, with the meaningful lessons I have derived from this retreat, live on, love on, and of course, rock on.
06 December 2010
Restricted
Dawn is approaching, advent onsets.
Today I will not mention times and dates. Today I will not cross refer to past campaigns, collaborative projects, personal achievements or halcyonic experiences. Today I will not consider the aggregate of characteristics that I had always wield to define who I truly am. Simply speaking, today there ought to be nothing separating what I truly feel, be, and what is to become of this post.
Isn't it curious how things that are supposedly free can actually backfire and restrict you instead? Writing was my sense of freedom, and to this day lingers as the primary avenue of expression. Yet as the vocabulary developed the writing became more and more flowery. Simple reflections become easy-sounding excerpts, to excerpts of information, to academic writings. The original thoughts never come out properly, and the original purpose of these excerpts became obscured. Even as I type these words today I still face this disease; this unwanted by-product of my writing-style. No, they shall not carry on. I define the words I type.
And writing is just an example.
What is the real problem? Well, in truth it isn't exactly a problem to be solved. But neither is this a pointless rant of injustice. The issue is that I am in every way restricted to the person I ought to be, or at least, wish to be. I know this sounds hopeless, neurotic, and 'cheem' again. I do not ask for pardon in introspection this time- there is nothing to be ashamed of. The reason why this blog exists is primarily because of my innate need to reflect, and if I were to honeycomb my words even in this space and put on a facade that all is sunflowers and rainbows there will be no more reason to carry on this blog.
Yes, I am an idealist- not an idealist for objective truth (that is not my cup of tea), but rather for objective meaning. And stripping away the postulates and campaigns I have enshrouded this ideal into one can easily see that I do not seek solace in what the world offers today. Monetary matters do not concern me at all, which explains why I adopt a passive attitude to economics and business. Romance, chocolates and flowers are cool in their own respect- there was a time I believed in it, but as of all things materialistic I always demand to seek a higher meaning and significance within. One that is eternal, ideal, consummate, perfect. Put this in a Christian context, and the synonym is 'holy'.
But it is the fact that I am seriously restricted by all things material I cannot even properly enact my fundamental desires. Like how writing has hampered my true desire to express, no matter how developed it may be, many things I have come to see over the past few days has brought me to this realization that the cause of such restrictions actually stem from me- in the flesh.
This is not a battle of the intrapersonal selves. Psychology has something to say about this, and this phenomenon called self affirmation and self verification theories. But this is not the point I believe. I have faith in my understandings over the past few years, and I am aware of the ways on how exactly to change for the better if I willed so (quite a lot, but possible though). But that is where the problem lies- in my search for the ideal conviction and meaning to live I somehow become less and less convicted to believe that this is a realistic search. The ideals, as many have said before me, is illusory, no more than within the mind, and impractical. Whats more, they're unattainable, even unfathomable to many.
So bucket after bucket of iced water these 'reality-checks' drown out the conviction to actively change. What really is left to be is probably an empty shell, an lethargic and un-energetic self, quite unable to smile and do my part in bringing happiness (and meaning) to this world.
Yesterday I had joint celebrated my birthday, with another two of my friends, in a group of five. The statuses of of our acquaintanceship is quite unimportant, in relation to the fact that we are still relatively frequent in contact. I had a received a book and a card, on which was a couple of well wishes and testimonials on the good we have seen in each other. It was very heartwarming to see that it was meaning and God I had brought to others, instead of a possible alternative of just funk and laughter for the sake of extroversion. Yet as I bring into mind the increasing dousing of reality checks, there is an innate fear on what will actually happen if this conviction to meaning should subside.
What will happen if whats these restrictions onsets and burns away all goodness till what's residual is just bad habits, passiveness, a selfish persona, unmotivated to both the material and the ideal? A very 'sian' and 'nuah' person, switching between Facebook, YouTube and games, bored of life yet unwilling to productivities. Unhelpful in chores, with the only philosophy to maximize pleasure and minimize pain?
That would be the death of Jesse no doubt.
No, this will not happen. If there is any good all these campaigns, projects, achievements and experiences, it is the fact that it will be none but meaningless to sit here ranting away without any countermeasures in hand. There will be a need to reflect and wake up, and yes in this respect I'll be looking forward to the retreat, and the Taiwan trip. Much as I am now restricted by my lack of conviction, due to these buckets of cold water and my weak human nature. No- they do not serve to define me, just like how it is never my writing that denotes what I truly feel; but rather how I feel that defines what I write on this post.
With a bit of reminiscence, may I bring into mind that initial conviction-
From today, things are going to change... I promise.
(requoted, 21st December 2008, Nagoya-Singapore)
Enough. Now that things are back in place, and mindsets are properly re-orientated, now whats next is to go forth and seize the day, again.
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