Before I start, there has been this great debate within if this post could ever be written out. I wanted to write a post on the CSS retreat ever since the day before yesterday, yet I was just too tired to make it before the second paragraph. Yesterday was an entire day out with a greater exposure to western graphic novels. Today is stay-in day, I'll be heading down to IMH for CAW meeting at six, and I'll be leaving for Taiwan tomorrow.
In the past I would usually post a triad of three questions: "What have I gained, what have I lost, and what has changed ultimately?" these questions had been designed for me to reflect on the events that happened over the past few days, and from there see how it is possible to make more meaningful changes so as to improve. These questions are good I guess, however today I would like to slightly tweak shift the focus of these questions from merely on how I feel, to include other people as well.
Personally these few days had been nothing short of 'life-changing'. The retreat from the 9th-11th December was something I would testify as meaningful, despite the little technical difficulties that we had encountered along the way. I was not in the organizing committee, so I guess I am not in a position to comment on how much a success this retreat was in comparison to other retreats of similar kind. I was, in His grace, a facilitator for a small group. There were eight people (including two facils) within, and this is where my journey truly began.
I guess 'self-centeredness' was something I could describe myself over the past few years. I had always backpacked that attitude of self-serving ideology wherever I went, and beyond the cool insight and sense of poetic justice what lay beneath was just a shell of indifference, distance and introversion. That attitude had followed me straight into day 0- and I remembered giving a rather lukewarm answer when my friends asked me how I felt about the (then) upcoming camp. There was a briefing on the agendas and tonality of the retreat, and then a demonstrating session on the MAGiS circle. I felt slightly more excited after that, but that was nothing close in comparison to true Joy.
Day 1 started off with slightly more apprehension. I was not ready for this retreat myself, I kept telling myself, let alone make room in my heart for others. Ice breakers and games were fun and everybody enjoyed it. I looked forward to the talks, hoped they were congruent with those theories I came up before, so that I could 'throw in the bomb' during sharing sessions and turn it into some deranged PH1101E session and do justice to myself. That was how it had been, I kept telling myself, that was how I have always been: Another experience to go by with nothing gained and everything lost, and at the end of the day see that nothing has changed ultimately. But I was foolish then, and the Lord had other plans.
What happened afterwards was really out of my control. I did not actively plan (as expected) on what to say specifically during the evening sharing session. And I still did not understand what led me to state that "let this not be a competition of ideas, on how intelligent it sounds, or how well we can express ourselves; but rather a simple, personal yet meaningful session where we may testify our experiences with God and from there grow together..." My group took over from that point, and everybody shared beautifully. Day one came and went, and in relief I retired for the night.
What happened in day 2 was queer. There was this inner prompting to leave it all to the Spirit in trust, and after the morning reflection session I was no longer making plans but actually following plans: God's plan, we realized later. I did not gain the intellectual insight I expected from the sessions from the speakers, yet I was no longer restless nor exceedingly expectant. It was as though my will had completely vanished- that will I had always wielded to 'make my stand' in this 'world of adversity' . Perhaps I had gone soft in the knees, or perhaps I am starting to believe in sunflowers, rainbows and kittens- No. The afternoon session came, and that was really the turning point of everything.
Perhaps it was the briefing we had after lunch by the organizing committee on the shift in agendas for this retreat, and perhaps it was something my co-facil said to me after that. She stated that she was not really expecting something personal for this retreat (something I had always been hoping) but rather really wanted to help facilitate for the sake of helping. Perhaps it was the theme of this camp on reconciliation, unity, communion and service. Or perhaps it was the very personal (and meaningful) stories that came from my group during the past two sharing sessions that told me that everybody too has a struggle for reconciliation which is real and equally dire to my own. These promptings, adding on to the sharing sessions of will, personality and expectations, brought me to understand that I was here not because of my own problems only, but because I am a part of community I never truly recognized as my own. It is not an obligation, but an imperative to thus see beyond myself, all those self-serving theories, and my highly idealistic concepts of true love; and move on towards showing actual concern. Moreover, this is something I can never achieve on my own free will, but only when I have submitted my will to His higher will may I have the grace to see beyond myself in the first place.
I am never sure how I managed to facilitate the last session. I don't think I did say anything particularly impressive, but we talked and that was all it mattered for me. Some of the quieter members shared very personal anecdotes we all felt elated for each other. We gave encouragement to each other, and we all could relate to each other. Facilitator or participant, seniority or faculty, service or reception- it all didn't matter anymore. None but a pure unadulterated conviction to reconcile and reunite- be it within oneself, with others, or with Him.
I ran for the sacrament of reconciliation immediately after benediction. Six months of reservedness did not stop me. Nothing could I guess, yet this will is not mine to make.
Yet it was day three that got me thinking. The slight disagreement on the six words for the community epitomized that reconciliation and communion is not merely this one-off experience, but an ongoing journey with its struggles. The question of concrete words, in contrasted with abstract ideals, mirrored the innate struggle. The outcome on what happened exactly was not important. What mattered I guess is that as long as we're all consciously trying to live out this ideal, by real actions of mercy and forgiveness and love, what lies beyond then will not be a question of possibility or feasibility, but eventuality.
So back to the three fundamental questions.
In retrospect, what I have lost on face value was immense- I lost a lifestyle I had proudly labelled as 'my-own', all the castles I had built upon my ego, the expectations I had, and the man-made-church attitudes that accompanied with the trophies. I stashed my writings and campaign (projects) carefully back into the drawer- not in an attempt to obliviate my heritage, but to ensure I do not become too wallowed in these materials they become the center of my life. On a deeper level, what I really lost was selfishness and indifference, I am not so certain as to stating I'll lose them for good, but as much as possible, and by His grace, i'll try not to (sin) again.
What have I gained? Friends would be too much a face-value statement. Communion on the other hand would be too abstract (accurate though). So I guess what I really acquired is actually both, I hope that they too will see the same, and so in this way what I have gained this retreat is no longer that self centered realization or enlightenment but truly a shared journey. (Not that we can't expect personal consolation from Him, but to each his own, and I guess His call for me is to stop looking within and start looking out for others too). Not forgetting the vertical dimension of things and the sacrament of reconciliation, those too were awesome. Now how cool can this get?
I don't think I can answer the last question for now. I am not the measure of things, so in a way I am never qualified to objectively gauge how much things have change for the better (hopefully not worse). I'll leave this question to whomever around me: new or old friends, and ultimately back up to the Lord. As much as I know, I am still a journey in the process, still self actualizing, still in reconciliation and reunion (and reaffirmation), yet as much as possible, trying to realize all of the above into meaningful thoughts, words and actions. And by His grace, and the support of those around me, with the meaningful lessons I have derived from this retreat, live on, love on, and of course, rock on.
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