Introspection

I see some results, I also see transition ahead.
I see the attitudes I had harboured over the past few weeks.
Then I wonder: when did I become a perfectionist?
Indeed, there were certain aspirations to fufil, certain schemas and plans to carry out, and certain expectations to be expected. But I don't remember being compelled to follow them to the point of life and death.
Wasn't studying part of self-improvement? Wasn't it to develop my persona so that I can help others ultimately?
How did the goal of helping others become so compelling that it overwrites the objective goal of self improvement?
When was I compelled to bear the responsibilities of the world on myself?
When was I to hurt myself in the process of benefiting the world?
No- this maniac attitdue has to go.
Remember the first reaffirmation- that object goal, quite unadulterated, just lacking in its ontological respect.
There will come the second reaffirmation. That emotional and experiential affirmation, complementary to the current idealistic/theoratical equilavent, to fully complete this knowledge that I have yet to fully grasp.
Yes, certain results were great, but certain were slightly disappointing. This is all part of life.
Live the life of moderation, and you'll see through them with the greater good prevailing in full light at the end of the day.

The art of bringing the book to the self

Anybody got any great ideas to how to cram 562 words of text into 5 weeks?

I don't, but evidently I have to- Memorise them all in turn, that is.

Whats the chances of success and getting the desired grade?

Whats the chance of ending up with a stress related problems?




Here's an overview:



I am distress. My normal life is impaired, and my well-being is in danger.
I dunno wad this damn knowledge-based-culture is all about, but as far as I am concerned, its warped.

My brain is not supposedly screwed, but my environment is, giving me all the wrong social feedback to screw up my thoughts and feelings. So according to the Diatheses Stress Model, I'm still pretty screwed.

I looked at the Disgnostic and Stat Manual, i see correlations with several of the 17 catagories listed.

The first is pretty straightforward: I have a mood disorder. Thoughts of a Deranged Mind and its introspection may be a cause of rumination. But project RNT has caused periods of 'high' times. The more I look at it, the more I think t's bi-polar than major or dysthymia (that was years ago and another story). Then I smile and say, ''what madness''.

Next on the chopping board is anxiety disorder. Yeap- i'm nuts over this upcoing exam, but i guess I'll be even nuts not to bother about the damn exam. Panic? not really- phobia? Ever heard of biblophobia? OCD obsessive compulsive disorder? More like i'm compelled to study.... PSTD? Mebbe after the exams that would surface.

So, am I schizophernic? Not yet, but not impossible. Hallucinations of books and reading material is surfacing even as I type, and as u know later, i'll demonstrate why. I talk to my books, more than I talk to myself. The cortisol levels are sky high, and if I cant remember chapter 1 (which I really cant) i guess its because my hippocampus is screwed in the stress process.

Dissociate? Maybe- which right minded guy would dissociate 2 weeks of funk for 2 weeks of fu*k? I don't eat right too, mebbe its because I'm a leftie, so I guess i ain't wrong huh? Aneroxic? yes, Nervous? very. Aneroxia Nervosia? sounds wrong.

So lets all go rob the banks man..... aka mug for all your worth. Antisocial huh? Bleagh, u bet.

Then it aint right, there is always a cautionary note about diagnosis huh? No six months (at least), no extensive training (just an intro), no funny busniess. So suck thumb man, after all, its only chapter 10.

Anyway, thx for listening, I just memorised 1 chaprter. LOL to that

Recovery

Back to the fight. Lets go.

English crypts in action

Inside the Brightness for Me is a Fading Oblivion.
Light Corruption is Subtle, Slow, and in Small Definitions.
Losing the Mind and Heart is an Objective for Change in the Beginning.
Loving No more is what People Cannot Do as Before.
The Black Future and Past is Forgotten. Presently the Meaning is No.
What Life's Purpose? I am Now Today.
Others, My Affirmation is Needed Now.
Quickly Save and Restart to Find a Soul for Gain.
Help to Love- I'll Help to Love You.

The Comforter is Comforting a Who?
A Comforted Who is the Comforter?
Who is Comforted, Comforter?

Wait, and be Still.




p.s. if there is anyone out there who really understands this....

Metamorphosis

Many people suffer from a lack of self identification and actualization. Sometimes I wish I was in their place....

Before 7 months ago I was naive and ignorant. I didn't know nuts about myself, except that I was a third rate student that has been scraping past examinations all my life. My social life was in quite a mess (although there were great people whom really helped along the way), I was very much one with my personal world of stories and music, kept looking up upon others and wondering when can I ever match up to their high flying lifestyles. I stuck with the little world that had remained after much transition, and enjoyed myself all the same.

So I wished I had that better life I was always looking up upon. My own was fun, but was never enough. I thought I was the weird one out, and wished for an ordinary one instead. From there came and went project re-affirmation, then the whole world changed.

It started simple- i just wanted the high flying ordinary life: that simple upgrade in status, and a reason more to smile and love. Yet it spun off shortly after when more and more theories came into play. Suddenly, what I had inadverently acquired then during the next few months was one of pure utter reformation beyond description. I wanted a good life where I could be in peace with myself, and yet I suddenly saw that philosophical theory that denotes the objective life that religion and philosophy had been advocating to for millenia.

Do you want the red pill or the blue pill? The red pill brings you further down the rabbit hole, the blue pill brings you back to bed with a splitting headache and a bad dream...

So what have I become? A total psycho, screaming from a social desert a sermon of objectivity and change, stumbling towards a vision of originality and truth that nobody else but myself can see. The same person, still single and weak, this time with a personal burdern of such insight yet incompetance. I see reason beyond reason, and I see the futility of it all. I see entertainment and enjoyment, fleetingly, that humans were bestowed yet abused. I see the world as a system now, this unchanging vision that will not part me till my death, and yet I know I should not freak out my peers and old friends. I see myself changing so radically in personality and thinking, and then I get afraid.

Of course such insight goes beyond the superficial thinking that I am being critical of the world as a system. In truth I know that I have actually transcended such a phase, to a knowledge and appreciation that as much as I have a governing lesion to the world I am too a part of this world. I appreciate my role within this world, the joys and ontological stimulations my individuality brings about. A player and a critic, the fool who said hes wise, and the wise who knows that self praise would ultimately end him up as the fool. I don't daresay I am wise by being capable of the abovementioned. I can't daresay I was the same fool I was anymore.

Would it help if I were to go on this path of madness and utter Moderation? Is there a divine plan that has allowances for me to be as such? Or is ther no fate but what we make? Then and again if I was conferred free will, was my will no more than wishful thinking all along? Then why the uncanny correlation of my newly values and the bible suddenly when I had started out a search for a happy life instead of a search for God? Why then the correlation with philosophy? That one subject that sounds cool and asks the big questions in life and yet accomplishes the littlest of things? What should I do ultimately? I can't possibly stop now, its impossible to unlearn and just drop the whole idea...

They call this the divine plan, the calling, I had asked around for help... some even went on and alluded it to prophecy. I don't think I am worthy of such noble deeds, I was the kid who took a wrong turn off the block and ended in the Mafia's hideout. Yet I cant turn back to my old world and just drop the whole idea. I looked back at those memories familiar to me before- my ignorant actions, wishful thinkings, and superficial emotions. I had enjoyed myself then, no matter how stupid they were, and I regret being unable to go back to those times again.

I look at people I used to be able to talk cock with, I once showed utmost sincerity talking to them, outpouring my full individuality and character (because I knew nothing but cock). I mean I can still talk cock with them, given that my current insight allows me to be both a critic and a participant; but deep within me I know that a coversation of pure cock will no longer illicit my full character as it once did anymore- there is this new part of me, that critical aspect I had learnt over the past 7 months, that I cant possibly share without scaring off anybody (including myself). And a life of just sharing certain parts of yourself with different people, is not something that I would call sincere and to the heart.

Hence me screaming- please accept me for who I am, and not form impressions about me. I hope I have not freaked anybody out yet, and I certainly do not want to freak anybody out, as much as I do not want to freak out myself. As then, I would of course look for that One who could complement my current cognition and identity to the fullest, and in the meantime I would be focusing on higher academics and repaying my society in due time.

This is Jesse speaking from the bottom of his heart, if there is any point in time I had sounded snobbish or self centered, I apologise once again.


*


Damn, sometimes I want to go back to the past, but I know I wouldn't want to. Its getting harder to slip into wishful thinking now that you know what wishful thinking is eh?

Balls....

Arh... what the hell Jesse, why the outplay of emotions?

Then and again- would it be any good if I had put up a facade?

Or puch the blame to society and say the world is stupid?

I can't, I love them...

And yet I love myself....

....

nvm

some like minded bitch will come and tell me what to do in future....

LOL

=)

The ant and the grasshopper (reprise)

Still remember the tale of the hardworking ant and the happy-go-lucky grasshopper? What was the moral of the story then?

Pretty straightforward?

Now let me introduce a new piece of information:

It is noted that grasshoppers are carnivorous and they do eat ants.

Now, what is the moral of the story?

Grasshopper (salivating): Mr Ant, please share some food (of yourselves).
Ants (actually in trouble): No Way, you just played around
Grasshopper (thinking about which one to eat first): Please don't say that...
Ants (Not the situation to be talking): Get out of here.

Can be made into a suspense drama...