Goodbye

After months of serious consideration- I guess this will be the last post I'll write on this blog.

Spaces of a Deranged Mind had played host to my thoughts for the past 4 years- it had brought me out of the shadows of halcyon, through the think and thin of army, to intellectualism and finally back to communion. Like a loyal friend it stayed with me throughout, even during nights where there was really no avenue to express myself.

However as of today I guess that I no longer require a blog to straighten  my thoughts and feelings. Moreover, I am unable to upkeep it constantly, in light of my commitments and workloads. Most importantly, I guess I finally understood that what I really need in life is God and close people I may call my own and be in service of. Yes, my priorities have changed, but hopefully they are always for the better.

Nevertheless, I'll leave this blog open for viewing. I hope you guys too had fun with me on my journey to self realization. Take care and God Bless =)

A little sharing

I am a Catholic, and I am called to love my brothers and sisters. What does it mean to truly love someone?

For many years I had personally been confronted by this question. I had flitted, skimmed, weaselled, avoided, and even out-rightly rejected this imperative. Along the way I came up with my own interpretations on how ought I love, and how ought I enact it. Most of them were complete nonsense, borrowed notions from pop-culture and human philosophy. And it was until recently I may finally understand how is it possible to love one another as how Christ has loved us. Today, I would like to share with you, friends, my ardours journey of realizing what we had always taken for granted all our lives- Even now I don’t believe I have a concise and definite answer that is all-encompassing. My personal take of it would probably be multi-layered, subjective and idealistic.

Several years ago, freshly out of confirmation, I emphasized trust as the ultimate proponent of love. I guess it sounded reasonable at that point in time, since I was constantly exposed to a social environment of mistrust, paranoia and fear. While politics and backstabbing reigned amongst the friends I held dear to me, what I truly desired then was a relationship where we may all be spiritually and emotionally stable- where we will always be there in support for each other, emotionally, spiritually and practically.

When it became obvious that cliques and circle-of-trusts could not unite people as one, I then believed that cherishing (the present), sharing (with the other), and the personal conviction would be the three primaries to a loving relationship. By Cherishment I meant appreciating each person, and every act of goodness as a blessing to life- to hold it close to the heart, live in the constant knowledge that one is loved. Sharing would be the openness of one to others- to not impose one’s expectations and needs, nor accept unconditionally the expectations of the other; but rather the prompt to a mutual compromise and consent that in good and bad, one does not have to travel alone. I was also aware that love was not a feeling but a choice, and hence personal conviction was necessary.

As in entered the army, the essence of love was once again redefined: with special emphasis on innocence and simplicity in a relationship. While the materialistic aspect of regiments and sensory socialization (very pertinent in army) is put in contrast to the loving relationship, what I really  envisioned was that to love would simply to be there for the person, not for the sake of personal ford and fun, nor for statuses and trophies. To love requires openness in intent and action to others, different they may be, willingly, in all desire for the other to remain in joy. Personally, my view of love then was disembodied from the reality of natural relationships, stripping all practical connotations and dwells solely into its underlying meaning. However in all things said and done, I believed that the intent is also equally important- and it should naturally be as pure and unadulterated as possible.

I guess it was about the same time I believed that my understanding of love was perfect. In pride I turned cynical by ORD- and I have to admit that it had been one of the wrong turns I had made in life. Instead of upholding the abovementioned partial values to love my friends, I chose to detest my friends for being unable to be as genuine as I was. Towards the end I gave up trying to love. In exasperation, I headed out to philosophy and theology to answer the question of how to live a life of happiness instead.

My quest for happiness lurched ahead in research and introspection, yet paradoxically after two years of questioning it brought me one full cycle back to the question of love. I found out that it was impossible to be happy without being in love, although it was possible to love although one is suffering (because love was a choice and not a state of mind).  I saw love as the ultimate truth to things. Love convicts one person to the goodness of the other, just as how life convicts one to his personal being. I also saw my earlier ideals of trust, sharing, and simplicity no longer the primary determinants of love. Rather, they were merely aspects which resonate within a loving relationship. By my final post I concluded that to love somebody meant that ‘I want to be in union (communion) with that person’, that ‘(s)he mean a lot to me’, and ‘to me, that person is an embodiment of (God’s) goodness’.      

I have to pause here for a moment. What was said before, lofty it may sound, was no more than my personal interpretation then on what it means to truly love someone. It was secular, and everything felt disjointed and compartmental. I don’t allude that they were always wrong, but it was meaningless to arbitrarily state that “love is this and love is that”. I am not a guru, nor am I doctor love. I finally understood why after I joined CSS.

In my currently limited understanding of the Catholic Love Ideal, true love is to be open and vulnerable to the other- to be vulnerable to intimate communion, and to be vulnerable to rejection. It was precisely upon these two reasons had Jesus willingly died for us on the cross, and it was in the mystery of His death and resurrection He has shown us what does it truly mean to love people, imperfect they may be. As agents of God’s love we should imitate Christ by our actions of charity to our neighbour. In other words, to love someone would too mean to be vulnerable to the other person. And ultimately our expectations of love should be no more than to delight in the presence of the other.

Personally, it was in His love I perfected my personal search for happiness and love in research and introspection. In koinonia (community) there is a union of individuals and commitment to God’s goodness and love and in Diakonia there was service. And precisely it is only in unity and service I may trust, share, cherish, will in all simplicity and be open to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet this time I know now that these values do not arise from my own whims (as I had came up since confirmation), but ultimately through the love of God Himself we may have the capacity to enact love. Yes, many times I had attempted loving with my own strength and will, and everytime I did so I burnt out eventually. If it had not been trust it had been cherishment, and if it was not the specifics then it would be overall inability to be completely open and vulnerable to the other. It was as though in everything I was unable to seek a ‘listening-ear’ or ‘best-buddy’ or ‘soul-mate’ so as to speak and time after time I had too been frustrated with myself for unable to ‘fit into’ their needs.  If only I had just turned to the Eucharist as my source and strength to love! 

No I do not claim I have the answers to this imperative. I am still very much a work in progress, and judging from the number of wrong turns I had made I still have quite a bit of catching up to some of you guys who may have realized this way before me. But nevertheless I would definitely stress, as and when we contemplate how we ought to treat our brothers and sisters, that we may constantly know that we should love one another as how He had loved us, with all our heart, our mind, our strength- openly, freely, and willingly. And with this put into place, all else would fall accordingly, in His time and will.

God Bless.

Proposal to formally transit into the 8th Age

Background Information:

By the end of 16th June 2011:
- Personal interests were put down for socialization and services to the community.
- The self is percieved to be a 'lighthearted, simple minded, shallow and scripted' social being.
- My primary concerns were in love and service.
- Low awareness to critical inquiry as well as current news.
- Almost an obliviation of the older self under campaign RN, C2.

In light of:
- Awakening of spirituality and prayer life on 16th June 2011
- Appointment to NUS CSS Exco 7 as vice president
- Greater awareness and positive views to identity.
- A committed relationship as of 10th August 2011
- The need for a more rounded and integrated social identity.

It is this proposed:

- Reinstate personal interests.
- Reinstate seriousness, critique and intellectualism.
- Commit to services within Exco 7.
- Commit to loved ones.
- Commit to academics.


What if one day I have to shut down this blog? I don't want this to happen, yet I am beginning to see the obsolescence of this domain as an avenue of self-affirmation. I guess it's sole purpose is in the affirmation of others, but yet there is so much to do in so little time! Will I be able to pick up, or let go? So much has changed this summer- so much Jesse... 

Blind man walking

A lot of things have happened over the past month. I do not think I am in control of any of these events, and I hold confusion yet trust as I a shuffle forward in time to what may be.

One month ago I had found great joy during freshmen orientation camp. Initially, I did not wish to sign up as a facilitator of the camp. I wanted to be a be-friender instead- to laugh, enjoy and acquaint along the way without any form of responsibility or accountability. Yet it was a personal invitation that had made me consider facilitating instead. I was not too sure why I had agreed to it in the first place- perhaps I believed that it wasn't too much after all to repay the graces I had received a year ago when I was a freshie myself. On recon night I finally understood what it really means to be an imperfect person requiring healing and grace, and yet serving for the community at the same time: To require personal reconciliation and prayers and yet to pray for those I am accountable to. I entered camp expecting laughter and new acquaintances- I may finally know I had gained joy and family instead.

Where was I to go in love and service after such a beautiful FOC? At first glance I decided to consolidate my strengths and weaknesses and see how I may utilize my charisms to help build this community. At that point in time it sounded like the logical thing to do- and after some initial consideration I thought that it may be best for me to become a CGL for the SEng community, since it was from this community I had developed spiritually and emotionally. Moreover it is fact that the SEng community desperately requires new CGLs after its current cohort graduates. For a moment the whole situation felt like a fit to the jigsaw puzzle- I knew what I could do, I knew what was needed, and I believed that this whole thing was discernment in its prime.

Many people have came along the way, asking if I would wish to be CGL, and to each of them I more or less replied a yes. I had conspired a little more with other friends- planning what we may do when term re-opens, our visions and expectations for CGs to be like, and who else would take up this role. Yes, I can safely state that many of these changes were really in the interest of the community, yet little did I know that in all these answers and plans I had actually not fully discerned what was desired of me, but rather imposed what I had desired on the community. I attended the annual general meeting expecting to just pass the day by- to spectate the 63rd exco being elected, congratulate them, play some computer games, and then be the next CGL when the term starts.

I never saw this coming at all. When nomination came and I was approached I still believed that I was definitely not the one. Like most others I signed on the slip- since I really wanted to be open to service and His call, but deep down I believed that the Lord will not have me elected since we already know where we were going. Moreover, there were so many others before me so much more worthy of responsibility, love and commitment. When I heard the results of the voting, momentarily everything crashed down.

How does it genuinely feel? I don't really know how to put this feeling into words. I guess a close yet absurd analogy would be that of a romantic relationship. It was as if you were quite passionately in love with this boy/girl you've grown to like over the months, and by virtue of the 'I do's and plans ahead you foresee a life of commitment with him/her. Yet shortly before matrimony you were suddenly informed that you were to be matchmade to another person instead, and since that matchmaker was God Himself you know within that you may not refuse outright.

I guess it is not regret I am feeling right now- and neither am I trying to compare which of the two would be more beautiful. Yes, the feeling of loss would resonate- but this loss would be a loss of personal pride and the disillusion of self control. Also, the feeling of confusion will temporary set in while- I am not some person you may attribute to being filled with the Holy Spirit, or one that is already one with the Lord; but as much as I can I have to take confidence that this sudden detour in path has it's set of reasons- reasons that can only bring greater goodness and love eventually. I am completely unable to see these reasons for the time being, but I guess that is one more challenge I have to overcome in order to be a true disciple of Christ.

Yes, for now I am a blind man walking- a man without his own vision (to what lies ahead), stumbling on the road towards community and service (koinonia), relying on the trust that his needs, and that of the SEng community, will be taken care of along the way.

Take heart people- and do keep in prayers: To be less of ourselves, and more of Him. And most importantly: to always seek first the kingdom of God, and then relish in the knowledge that all these (much needed) things may be then added unto you. God Bless.

Grateful to the words of encouragement

You are special, there will be no need to keep proving that point. After all we've got lots of more constructive things to do now that you know what you may accomplish!


Must remember the meaning of life okay? It's not to attain a 'perfect' personality emcompassing all  the possible charisms of the human race. But rather be in service, and communal love to your brothers and sisters in Christ.


You be who you are best, no one expects you to encompass certain traits, or behaviors. Just as long as, in that little niche of yours, you freely enact love....


You have got to see beyond your personal achievements. They are just little actualizations to the greater potential that He has stewarded you upon. 


Remember, don't let your personal strives hinder our call for community; you don't need to ascend a mountain to be the pontiff of the plateau to seek enlightenment! Also, don't allow frequent social interactions to obscure the value of stillness.  


It is only you who may choose to live, or lament. Don't ever make a self-fulfilling prophecy of a life lacking love become a reason to forsake your current relationships!

A little Bird, MSN 2010 

I think I need a break...

Journey Home (part 1 of 9)

I had been mulling about the past few days, in spite of my commitments to driving, meeting up with various groups of people and reservist. I had wanted badly to note down my experiences in CSS FOC 11, yet somehow no matter what I tried nothing seemed to get together. I guess I knew that that moment of joy I had experienced during reconciliation night was exceptional- something I had truly never experienced for nearly half my life. Yet even when I was allowed to host a sharing session of my journey in FOC on day 2 the words could never truly come out. Somehow, the events leading up to that very moment during FOC were all interconnected, and date back for years. I had written posts on some of these events, and they may be found on this blog. Today I believe that I may have to revisit some of them once more. 

Yes, as previously stated this blog has definitely moved on from a mere log of events from time to time- to one that hopefully shares, inspires and seeks guidance from others. Coincidentally, it had been my wish to write one coherent story to sum up my experiences leading up to that moment of joy on the 16th June 2011. So after much thought, maybe I am allowed one last grandfather story to rewind back, and share in all earnestness the marvels that He has enacted unto me. I sincerely do not wish to take any credit to this, and I hope that instead of boring people out I may actually rub off some hope and joy instead.  

I don't know how long this series of posts will take- and the ultimate direction this new way of blogging may take me, but I guess it's okay. Dear all, I am about to start rattling off once again- I do not promise eloquence, and neither do I promise entertainment; however if there is one thing that I would promise- that would be sincerity in every word. Yet should there be one instance if any of these posts may offend, please do sound out yah? 

Let it not be my, but Thy will be done.  

_______________________________________________________
Introduction

In actuality the 'first' cause should be about 10 years ago in 2001, but due to it's age and the need for succinctness I shall start on December 2008 instead. People more familiar with the older posts in this blog will notice that this period of time between December 2008 to today is known to me as the 7th Age. In short it can be briefly summarized as thirty months of reconciliation, and it is one of the most radical periods of life. 

15 noteworthy events had taken since December 2008, and they may all be considered as a milestone to life. Some of these were outright miracles filled with joy and hope, and others seemingly were totally depressing events filled with endless sufferings with no reason whatsoever. Yet bearing in mind that this story is interconnected, I would like to encourage people in a crisis that even the most pointless of suffering there is meaning in it (I'll explain why asooner). Without further ado, they are listed as below:    

1) The beginning of the 7th Age: It all started with some time out (Block leave #03) 

2) Campaign Re-affirmatioN- My 1st campaign for Truth and a better life.

3) ORD: Transition from Military to Student, Immersion into the a world of media.

4) Special semester- the initial project RN (T) shines.

5) NUS Semester 1: The fine balance between academics, socialization, and idealism. 

6) RN(T2), the campaign for meaning and love in loneliness

7) The mark of dissociation of my Identity.

8) The end of the intellectual sub-domain of campaign RN. The surrender of the self.

9) NUS CSS FOC 2010, and my 2nd campaign for a holistic spiritual-social life

10) The slow journey of reconciliation of the love ideal with actuality.

11) The end of First Campaign, CSS Retreat 2010, and CAW 2011

12) Lent- the rise and fall of self-denial

13) Driving, RT and outings- time that I may not takeout

14) SEng retreat 2011- JOY

15) NUS CSS FOC 2011, the official end to the campaign for reconciliation, the official end to the 7th Age.

For now none of the above 15 events should make much sense, although we may be familiar to some of the camps and retreats from 9- 15. In the following posts I'll go into greater detail how each of them have actually brought me to realize some themes of life and love. Till then, do take care, and God love you. 

notice (temp)

okay there is a really long post coming up- cant get the words right yet.

brb =D

An update to the self

School's out, and life just got busier.

Two weeks before the exams I had painted a rosy picture of pure decadence: I was lying on soft fluffy mattresses, with large plump pillows, snuggly blankets, mellow orange lighting, and the air-con on. The ambient music shall be 'Sentimental" by Kenny G (just listen to it and u'll know why), and I'll be balancing a tray on my stomach. On it would be my laptop- with one tab tuned to facebook, and beside the laptop would be a tub of chocolate ice-cream. I carried that ideal throughout reading week and right into the exams. I thought I was going to bum my way through those five papers, apparently I did.

That rosy mental imagery never came to life, though. Immediately after the exams I had been whisked away by an onslaught of commitments and preparations it became increasingly difficult to make time out for myself. Basic theory of driving came the day after the last paper, and following which would be a bevy of driving practical lessons (33 subjects) leading to the final practical test. Then came physical trainings that would stretch on till mid June, 20 sessions each taking up 4 hours at a time. SEng camp came shortly after on the 11th-13 June, bringing about a commitment to move on from personal concerns to an outreach to the community and back to Him. Following which, came about the preparations for the freshmen orientation camp- I had initially wanted to come in as a befriender- to sit in on afternoons and chill, yet from the unfolding of events it seems that I am now instead a facilitator of this cute group: "bloop bloop bloop" and tasked with a sharing session with the freshies about my journey into CSS. Peppered in between these days would be catch-ups with friends old and new, all of which I take pride in attendance.

Well at least this time it wasn't that bad. I had tried to make an conscious effort to not let myself be carried away by the technicalities of these activities and meet-ups. It was simply not worth compromising personal spiritual development for all the rah-rah-ness of FOC, or for the gah-ness of training, or for whatever-come-lately. Lately I've been lurking a little longer than usual on Facebook, trying identify and catch up with groups of people I have not contacted recently, and hopefully plan occasions to meet and celebrate a couple of belated birthdays. Prayers come in pretty often now (well slightly more than before the exams), and I hope this keeps up. Most importantly, there will be a need for me this week to find a few half-days to sit down and spiritually prepare myself for this upcoming FOC. Amidst all the fun and games, service and socializations, there needs to be an underlying understanding that all these are done not for the sake of fun, or personal achievements- but rather for the building up of His community in His Grace.

Nevertheless, easier said than done. What I see in-front of me would be the most taxing three weeks of my life, with FOC, driving and reservist to sum up the trainings. Till July comes with cake, and hopefully some good old fashion nuah-time. In the meantime this balance needs to hold- one fine line between productivity and burning out, and the other fine line between doing for the sake of His glory, and doing for the sake of doing/ my own glory. Still, I would definitely appreciate the occasional hello/ meet up.

Yes people, stay safe this summer- and have fun!


  

Makeover

No I am not talking about an image makeover.

___________________________________________________

 I would like to keep this little space more as a rest haven- to pen down personal thoughts, and deranged ideas ( not too much I hope ); all within the comfort and security of my mind, and the ability to share them via this avenue of expression. I do not intend to commercialize or overrate it too- all but a simple avenue to express myself as who I truly am....

The Beginnings, 29th September 2007

Deep within me I know that the original purpose for this space is getting obsolete. I don't think this calls for an emotional outburst, since there is really nothing much to be afraid of moving out of personal reflection and back into the the community. Yes, I still and will always have my own personal thoughts, and so there will be no worry for me losing it. However there will no longer be a need for deranged ideas, a rest-haven confined within a world of words and self-affirmation. Most importantly, I believe that my identity- our true identities need to go beyond this petticoat of secrets, excerpts and posts.

Three nights ago I had attended the SEng retreat leaving the bulk of old regrets and insecurities behind. It had only turned out that I had always wanted things to be done according to my own will, and that I had all but forgiven myself over the years. It had really been a self-reproaching session, one that had climaxed itself during reconciliation. Through the three talks I was left with a rough inkling of what should be done to be a true neighbour, a true disciple, and ultimately a person true to myself. Tonight, God-allowing, it is indeed a good time to finally put all of these into actions.

I do not know what holds for me beyond today- This domain will still remain, however there should be a change in its motivation- from one that is focused on the self- hopefully to one that outreaches to the community. No campaigns, no self-initiated projects, and no more acting in accordance to my own will. I'll try to discern my personal vocation (at least, with respect to this domain)- but in the meantime, lets pray for the courage to see to the changes that may be yeah?

=)

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this world as it is, 

and not as I would have it (my way).

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will.

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

and be supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

Amen.

Compromisation

Notice: Dear all, my primary email account: j_limsy@hotmail.com is no longer in effect with effect from 6th May 2011 due to security issues and account compromise. Please do not email/ instant message/ contact me on that domain. 

__________________________________________________________________________________

Yes, as what is stated above, my primary email account has been compromised due to security issues. I will not deny that this is indeed a major impact to my social network- Many contacts accumulated over the past 6 years have been wiped out in an instant, along with saved files, old forwarded emails and other things of note. And while that email address had always reflected an emissary-esque reference to me back in JC, the losing of this email account resembles the losing of a close friend, or that of a brother.

On first glance a feeling of regret would creep in. There will be multiple contacts within I would not be adding back in my new account - many of them my ex-classmates from CJC (T31, T23) and IJC (S12). Although we had used to chat extensively for hours after school, time and circumstance had slowly eroded in after graduation, taking its toil even on the deepest relationships. I do not blame anyone for this residation of commitment anymore: it had taken me more than three years to understand the necessity of transition- and losing of people, for one to release himself the shackles of halcyon, reminiscence and stagnation. Yet now in the knowledge that a great deal of it is unrecoverable now, a certain notion of regret nevertheless persists-

People who once helped developed my character, people whom accepted me for who I had been, even though I had been little more than a ignorant child. People whom had inadvertently taught me lessons on trust and love, paradoxically through the actions of politics, backstabbing and jealousy. Confrontations of romance and confrontations of ideology; campaigns for friendship and trust, for love, for the halcyon days, and for the acceptance of facts when they failed. Campaigns for the realization of my identity, for truth and finally for meaning. I could have written a book about these events, and this account had been that loyal diary that had seen through this story down to the word.

I had stated earlier the necessity of transition. Although I would always attribute the beginning of my social domain with the setting up of that account, it is nevertheless imperative to understand this this is no more than a phase of development, and that as with those people I have met I will eventually have to go beyond this diary of stories. Through the years, other domains had been set up: Thoughts of a Deranged Mind (Feb 2007), A personal blog (Sept 2007), Friendster and Facebook (Feb 2008), hosted Project Reaffirmation over two other blogs (2009-2010), as well as create a subsidary Hotmail account for the facilitation of reconciliation and communion (now my current account). Yes, they too are temporal. In fact, in light the the permanence of the spirit (can allude back to the centrality of God), all these remain no more than mere quantifiers.

What would happen beyond today then? From herein a compromise has to be made on this compromised account- to let do with our inadequacies of yesterday, to accept and treasure today, and develop to a more holistic being  tomorrow. These words resonate with the advice friends had encouraged me a few days ago (another story by itself). Indeed, today is a good day for manifestation.

Update for the term

Today is the 6th May 2011.

On Wednesday the fifth and final modular examination for this academic semester had come to a close. Basic theory commenced the day after, and two days later this excerpt is written.

It is quite amazing how far we have progressed since the last excerpt. The last post had us in a slurry of confusion and apprehension- with study schemes intertwined with NS regimes, Lenten seasons and bookings to form a calendar jammed packed to the day. Yet it near miraculous that we had managed to pull through without yielding. Momentarily the homunculus resonated- a continuous persuasive voice to turn inward as before, but this time we no longer fall short to our iniquities. Onslaught is over, and we are no longer alone this time.

All over the place

We all love fighting wars, don't we eh?

Well, this April would see me fighting a war on 9 fronts. In order they would be: my 3 core CE exams (+3), 1 modular exam from ESE (+1), and 1 from PL (+1). On top of that would be driving (+1), and physical remedial training (+1). Lent is coming to a close, and Holy Week approaches, so its good time to get my spiritual act together and go to Church (+1), finally, I would still have to juggle my duties as a son, a friend, and a person with at least a decent social life (+1).

Well, life sure got much more exciting than it ever did. The usually in-conscientious me now juggles three timetables simultaneously, and the possibility of breaking down altogether resonates once again. But I don't think that would be a threat for me this time. Yes, I had fallen once to my iniquities, thinking that I must necessary carry this burden by myself- but this time I know I'm not working alone anymore.

Instead, I think this is going to be fun. It's pretty good challenge (although it's not really good for the health). I still look forward to ice-cream and a warm lazy spot on the beach to roll about. But most of all I would always welcome people to talk to and chill out a little along the way between now and then. After all, its never about how far I can achieve in life, but rather the people and goodness I appreciate along the way of achievement.

Alright ladies, enough said for tonight. Lets rock.

Small updates

Life has been strangely quiet for the past month. Its okay, exams are coming..... not?

I think I am not giving reasons this time. In fact, I haven't been reasoning proper for quite a while. The only thing that keeps me going is the next lab project, after the previous lab project. In the stillness of Sundays a fleeting wonder crosses whether all these day-to-day pursuits are actually meaningful in light of lent. There is a certain limit to a self-denial of indulgence, yet on the other side of the spectrum its seemingly more like a self-denial to all other aspects of life- to the point of neglecting family and friends.

There will be a lot of unfinished business to settle when this semester ends. I don't really forget things, even though I may sometimes repress them to near-oblivion. People, please be patient with me- even though I may seem like a complete insensitive prick for the time being. In the meantime I guess it's only right to try to even out the rest of lent more appropriately; and instead of complaining, try to appreciate the good that is in others around me despite their too-heavy schedules.

Come lets journey this last stretch of road- to exams, to excellence, and ultimately to easter. Lets rock.

Dear number

Dear number, arbitrary you may be
As equals I address you, neither friend nor enemy:


Dear one, remember those times we really had fun?
Running about the playground in the afternoon sun-


Dear two, weren't we rebels then back in school.
Disrupting English lessons was the best thing we do.


Dear three, I can still remember what you did to me...
I was too quiet and they though I was quirky.


Dear four, I've learnt to accept a future beyond our door.
In graduation, transition, and acceptance to what life may call.


Dear five, I trusted you- and yet you left me behind.
We were once beyond close friends, but now that all seems like a lie 


Dear six, were we so lost within a world of sick 
Enlightened with delusion, to nihilism we seek.


Dear seven, you showed me a glimpse of hell and heaven.
Reaffirmation as goal, and love as leaven.


Dear eight, I have not known you, but I hope you're great.
This path now is obscured, but it'll eventually be straight

Dear number, for the dissonance you've created in me

I'll grow to appreciate you as part of myself, eventually. 

The homunculus problem in theorizing cognitive psychology

The homunculus problem is an extension of the philosophical problem of Cartesian Materialism and dualism. Dannett proposes the mind as mediator for stimulus correspondence and organization: Perceptions would resemble projected images on a screen where the mind analyses, interprets, categorizes and stores in memory. Thus, a person experiences cognition because the mind gives cognition. This argument is a logical fallacy; although it keeps cognition within the material- hence avoiding the introduction of the soul, it fails to define cognition.  As the mind becomes mediator (homunculi), inquiry on how it mediates may only be resolved by postulating another homunculus within itself. In effect a regressive and inconclusive argument arises.

Cognitive psychology is an emerging empirical science. Predominantly cognitivistic in nature, it deals with how people perceive, remember, learn, and think. However, it alludes that the mind knows, like the homunculus, how it should give cognition. As a result, it too fall risk to the iniquity of infinite regression. At present the extent of this threat of inconclusiveness is real; yet since cognitive psychology is a recently emerging discipline, this may be mitigated with maturity. In the following article we will see how this may be so, as well as the arguments against it.

Cognitivism, the dominant contemporary approach of Cognitive Psychology, is by large a reductionist approach. By the systematic reduction of phenomena, cognitivism asserts that individual components of the mental function can be identified and meaningfully understood. It also represents cognition as discrete, internal mental states for algorithmic manipulation. For example, the mental processes activated during the identification of a tree can be componentially attributed to its sensation and perception. These stimuli percolate to the sensory stores, and then subsequently stored by the working memory to long term memory. Notably, the terms: sensation, perception, sensory memory, working memory, and long term memory are the stages of Broadbent’s information-processing model (IPA)- the work of cognitivism.

By the IPA these states are real, since they are verifiable with carefully controlled experiments i.e. Sperling’s report study ascertains the evidence for sensory memory. Yet phenomenologists assert it is precisely in this approach cognitive psychology fails to identify true cognition. By the holism argument, mental activity may be viewed as processes ‘seamlessly linked’ by their contextual meanings. Reductionism however strips contextual meaning from the processes, and reduces qualia into meaningless measurements: componential, abstract, and disembodied from reality. And as the mind transits these discrete states without accounting for the mechanisms of contextual transition, the illusion of an independent mind (the homunculus) thus arises. So, if STM is made distinct from LTM, the statement: “Through rehearsal, the information of the tree in STM was brought, (by the mind), to LTM” becomes homunculus reasoning, since it purports the logic: a person experiences cognition because the mind gives cognition. By induction, it can be shown that the homunculus reasoning extends to the whole of Cognitive Psychology.

Nevertheless, it would be naive to conclude that Cognitive Psychology should fall under the homunculus fallacy. There is a homunculus problem of theorising in cognitivism, and although much of Cognitive Psychology today theorizes under cognitivism, there is a growing influence in cognitive neurosciences and alternative approaches. Recent developments in connectionism postulate the mind as a neural net, and intellectual abilities arise via the parallel processing’s of neural networks. The Embodied Cognition Approach (ECA) argues that cognition is influenced by one’s sensorimotor capabilities, thus taking into account physical contextual effects . Notably, the ECA supports the holism argument for contextual effects. The connectionist model: the spreading activation neural network too gives a plausible account of how mental states transit.

The phenomenologist asserts that Cognitive Psychology is inconclusive as long as cognitivism holds. However psychologists need not abandon their existing theorizations for a radically new method to understanding the human mind. Cognitivism being empirically verifiable must hold certain truthful aspects. In fact, connectionism is not contradictory, but complements cognitivism. What is pertinent today, nevertheless, is to transcend the narrow vision that cognitivism is the full answer of the human mind, or that cognitive psychology will always be studied the way it has always been – one made in perpetual regression by the homunculus problem.

Republished

A short excerpt of old angsty poetry, lurking deep within my laptop. I guess it captures the transition of attitudes from a complex personal idealism, to one that speaks ultimately of trust and love. Nevertheless, I am glad it did.

Kids, please do not try (too much) of this at home.

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I am not a measure of things, and yet I am master of myself
My identity is no more than shifting sand
What I loved, I disown some of them today,
Whatever I advocated, whatever I've identified
I once had beautiful reasons to justify them
And now they lay empty.
Empty just like the day they never existed.


No I am not getting mad, lest philosophical.
I am actually trying to forsake this disease of self serving epistemology
And yet when I have forsaken them, I feel purposeless.
Its like I was created to contemplate my life.
Yet when I do, I get anxious.
Anxious that I am not living my life.
Anxious that I am not loving my life.


How does one love his enemies?
How does one know where to be?
How can scripture bring about salvation
If it's subjected to the flawed precepts of man before it makes sense?
Where does a man move on from here-
This point where his will to life supersedes his fear of death?
Death to the things he holds dearly.


Religion, my religion- the only answer God Himself has given.
Love, the answer to everything, and yet the deepest mystery beyond any human wonder
If I were to compare with it, I've failed
And yet in it, I'm qualified.
Yes- my will is no more than a sham, unless I am within the will of God.
And I'll willingly forsake whatever I have for what is right.

Shifting Sand, 

Feb-Aug 2010

Interlude- down memory lane

I have recently scanned some of my old schematics unto my computer. This was in part part of a routine Chinese New Year Spring Cleaning, and partially because the original copies (some of which more than 18 years old) are either fading away or on the verge of crumbling into dust.

I guess I have been practicing Civil Engineering way before I learnt my mathematics and sciences =D

 ps: click to enlarge. Haha I know some of the names are like........ welcome to the deranged world (literally) yah?

What is the next step?

There are times I wish I had a report card for life. Then I would at least know which subjects am I lacking in, and from there know what exactly to do. 

No no no no no, I'm not trying to be overtly contemplative here, and neither am I tired of living and trying to find new problems with my life. I appreciate what I have today, and I'm still trying to do what is right. Nevertheless, there is this growing weight on my mind, even now that I am beginning to see some light at the end of this quest for meaning and identity: Seemingly, the good life does not come solely with the identification of communal love, but rather with the manifestation (living) of the living best.

Hooray, so ten points for preachy theories, and zero for actions.... okay, maybe a point for trying. But well the point is I am pretty clueless about how am I supposed to live this life of communal love without ending up in... well, sticky situations. 

- Like thinking I am close to God I stop trying to communicate with Him constantly. 

- Like progressing too far in outreach I sacrifice domestic time. 

- Like trying to be assume a role influential and great I forget my original role as a student and a son. 

- Like trying too hard to help people I neglect personal time to reflect and recharge. 

- Like thinking I can help everybody like superman I forget I am also in need of help from others. 

- Like thinking I know quite a lot of things, I become blind to what's still in need of improvement.

- Like trying too hard to enact love myself I forget that it's actually a Grace from God. (see below)

- Like flouncing too much with the idea of perfect communion I fail to appreciate the real effort of people.

Other old habits and weaknesses come creeping in shortly after:

- Like trying to be God. PERISH THAT THOUGHT!!!

- Like thinking I know God's plan and have the keys to heaven. No, what I know now is merely a dim image in the mirror.

- Like trying to qualify events with my own justifications: speculating by my own intellect how things were supposed to be, and how things should be in the near future.

- Like still being selfish in enacting love: I say hello to you, so you must say hello to me; and while you're at it, I expect an interest of 4%- that meaning, a smile to go along with it.   

- Like going back to the old (cotian) theory of closed cliques and having differentiated levels of relationships for different people. 

- Like still being engrossed with the old technicalities i.e. the chocolates, the frequency of meetings, and the labels of International Friendship Day or Valentines Day. St Valentine was martyred because he was actually helping Christians; NOT because he was an amorous cupid with nothing better to do in heaven but shoot arrows and make people drunk in passionate romantic love. 

- Like being happy-go-lucky with work. Conscientiousness is key I guess, too much is bad for the health, but too little makes you fat.

- Like over-prioritizing personal idealizations and campaigns. I know helping and loving is cool, is an ideal, and is also a duty- but remember your current vocation please. Remember, first to Bata than to Skool.   

So then, I'm pretty stuck at square 1 for now I guess. 

The talk last Friday after Mass spoke about Grace being the key to salvation, and all acts of goodness, especially love. On the flip side, it is mortal sins- that being grave acts done in full knowledge and consent that would send us sprialing off to damnation. In light of that, what's pertinent now I guess is to identify Grace and hug her (any puns to characters, living or dead, is purely coincidental) like some disorientated koala to a tree. 

This won't come easy, and despite the lighthearted analogy, the full truth of actually being gracious (in His Grace) is indeed something I should put more serious consideration into. In fact, serious consideration ought to be placed on all of the above points, especially the ones that include selfish pride and old habits. Indeed, Grace will be needed to overcome these weaknesses, and yet Grace is not something I can will for based on my own pride and reasoning. Prayers will come in- personal and intercessory alike. Most importantly, I will never be able to state I am indeed gracious enough to have already taken the next step forward, but only continue taking small steps ahead-  

What is the next step? I'll cut less on my theoretical speculations now, and this false belief I have written out exactly what I am going to change. I'll start from these, nevertheless- and with His Grace, I'll try not to sin again. Back on the light side, since one of the things to improve is doing tutorials conscientiously, so please smack me if you see me skiving. With a bit of grace, or mojo, I'll definitely be gracious for that. 

=D

Lessons in Logic

Ps: Please don't quote this against me =S

If your father is a poor man,

it is fate,

But if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's stupidity.

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I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

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If practice makes perfect.....

And nobody's perfect......

Why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

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The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say.......

Why am I Catholic (an unpublished testimonial)

CAW proceeds next week. 

Recently there has been a call to write testimonials on "Why am I catholic" in about 200 words. A few of my friends have submitted their personal testimonies, and initially I too had been eager to submit my own take. I mused a few lines in my head, wondered if I should actually throw out flowery emotional stories or matter-of-fact observations. They were all at the tip of my tongue then, and yet none of these materialized. In the end I never got to submit my own testament.

A simple reason: I am not sure if people around would agree with me, but I believe I am unfit to write religious testimonials. 

Although I know I have been harping on the topic of life of purpose perfectly within His plan, it is fact that all my life I have been engulfed only by the reality of circumstances. While people around me see life as a manifestation of His will, so much that they could literally sit back and commune with Him in prayer on what to do; what I really could touch in life was just choice, circumstance and determinism. 

What is? I was a cradle catholic, and for all time I was quite familiar with truth, direction and the life-love ideal. I picked up morality like any other kid in catechism: I loved N. because God loves me and God loves N equally. I refrained from cheating because it would make Jesus and other people sad. Ultimately, I am happy because both He and I want to be happy, and I want others to be happy to because He wants everybody to be as happy as I was.

At 6 years of age it was so simple. In every feeling I am feeling, in each desire I desired, and in each thought I had thought there was a direct connection between me and the God I knew. I could almost shout that the reason I exist, lest why was I a Catholic. Why was I jumping around in Changi Airport waiting for the sky-train to arrive, was because there was this awesome dude upstairs who told everybody (me included) that I may start jumping today to express joy, and from there bring joy to others around me. 

This mindset did not last long. Perhaps it was because we all matured and understood a little more about the workings of this world. Slowly, life began to seem quite self-explanatory of itself, and I began to use real propositions to explain real phenomena rather than God. Moreover, my thoughts and feelings had slowly grown complex with adolescence. It was almost impossible to declare that the reason why am I sitting at the grandstand at 7 in the morning thinking about a specific her, trying not to beat up my best friend (who was her boyfriend), and at the same time thinking of switching schools after being posted to some hopeless arts course was because the dude upstairs wanted me to do so and see life and love within.    

I guess we are usually unaware about of these things until they hit you and the pain reaches the depths of the heart. It was easier to dissociate reality from God: to just live life on day by day, and try to explain thoughts feelings and behavior based on events and stimuli. I study so hard because got midterms next week, and if I fail it my cap cannot hit 3.2, then I study 4 years in engineering no honors a bit waste time and money.... I feel happy because I can go out with my friends today, and I want my friends to be happy about today too because if we're all happy we can go out again next time. 

By then God was really pushed out of the equation: God probably wanted us to be happy too.... I think.... but aiyah- who cares who wants who to be happy as long as we're all happy in the first place?

And so He became a concept- an Ideal, a abstract philosophy-- this unknowable umbrella that justifies why I wanted to love, be happy, and to live life to the fullest. So as long as I have real actions of love, of happiness and of a full-life thrust unto me it wasn't necessary to think about Him at all. Yet it was when I was in pain, or when I cannot tag a real reason on why people are treating me like--, when I would shamelessly crawl back and expect Him to give me an answer.

Ideal justification better than no justification right? But when there is real justification i.e. some girl to kiss the pain away, what good is the ideal true love God promises huh? After all, it's not like He's going to kiss the pain away for you right?

It sounds completely retarded. But yes, that had been the reason why I am a Catholic too. Thinking about it: I am Catholic primarily because I feel insured in His ideal love- I attend mass and pray constantly to claim brownie points, hoping that He'll spare me some honey along the way in return. I try to perform charity because it directly makes me feel good about myself and the other person, and after that it might just probably help out, somehow... you know, with pleasing God along the way. Catholic Life was about me, and my neighbor (selected people hor), the tangible happiness, and lots of hot passionate love. Yes, it is partially correct, but what happened to God being the center of life, or communal love in sacrosanct? What happened to the simple 6 year old mindset, which had been the pure unadulterated conviction to see God and be a true Christian?

So sometimes from the deepest recesses within there is always a thirst for love even though we're apparently showered with 'love'. And after we cry we may sometimes become foggily aware of a desiring for a greater  communion to something-- in truth this is a reconciliation and communion to a God centered (or Christ centered) life in happiness.

Even in my current position, I am definitely far from this 'ideal' of Christian love. I sit here typing these words that may momentarily empower me, yet given circumstance I'll probably forget it by the day after, given the real workload of tutorials and lectures. Much of the happiness I derive will still be physically attributed, and at best I may recognize the 'Christ' in my friends (or other people) and fleetingly appreciate His plan manifesting in full. Yes, I will fall- but from today I may know at least that there is indeed a God to strive for. Like I said I am still a work in progress, yet as long as persistence and faith holds I may that this is ultimately, not forgetting the other abovementioned reasons, why am I a Catholic today.

*

I am a Catholic because I am in communion. I am in communion because both He wants to be in communion with me, and I want to be in communion with others to because He wants everybody to be in a communion with him and with each other.

On Minds and Maps

Thirteen days have passed since the turn of the year. The holidays are over, school is back in full swing, and will soon take it's toil.

Today there had been a seven hour break in school. Technically there was supposed to be a one-hour lecture in between this long stretch of time, however we had decided to forgo it after being stuck in the Bukit Timah Campus (for prata) for more than half an hour. So the last three hours was spent at the arts canteen, talking, and trying to pass time by.

I guess many questions were asked along the way, most of them from my other friends. The proceeding of questions were extremely peculiar. The issue of love came out first, from there we moved on to the mistakes done before, to the ugly things seen in life, and finally proceeding to the courses we took and the future careers we wish to have. Everyone had a story to tell: some sections were convulsed, some gloriously expanded, others shyly summarized, and the rest speculative. It was not a conversation I would will for, but I guess all things happen for a reason.

On retrospect, there had been a subtle link between the things we talked today with the things that had been on my mind for quite a while. Where are we coming from, where are we now, and where are we going? I recited my part, droning on in a tone that neither glorifies the past excessively, nor treat it as some unspeakable taboo. Yet it was in the looking back I realized that there was actually a flow- a continuity from one story to another. How did I arrive in NUS, why did I choose civil engineering, why my uncanny interest in psychology, and what do I wish to do. 

Civil engineering was like this long-lost heritage I've recently regained. Early records and testimonies of my life had shown that I had been 'practicing' civil engineering since I was three. The first A5 'picture' I drew was not a person or an object, but actually a map of a untitled city complete with expressways, interchanges (that followed traffic flow theory) and arterial roads. Much to my parent's horror, I redid the 1988 edition of the road directory at home with a crayon; changed the orientation of the streets, and notably added a MRT line to the system (then red, yellow, green and blue) which closely resembles the proposed Downtown line fifteen years later. Hotel and building layout plans came out in primary school, and the CTE viaduct system (which became an academic project 5 years later) was touched. Where was I 'destined' to go then? An MRT driver, a taxi cabbie, a failed architect, a rock picker and a garbage collector. Civil engineering studied them all, and today I am technically fulfilling my childhood ambitions once more altogether.

How did psychology come about then? I could not carry on my doodlings come secondary four and college, so I kinda stopped them and tried to live a social life like everyone else. Yet it was precisely on past failings in life and love (being) back in college all these excerpts came about to introspect them. Maybe it was the will not to recommit mistakes and live a better life, or is it just the will to excel in the general paper to impress the hard-to-impress tutor. I had moved to philosophy and critical inquiry at first, and found that they do not solve the problems of being, but merely turns it into a never-ending problem subjective to debate and opinion. Yet it was psychology that had captured my attention. It was in effect a study of the human soul- something that I had always desired to understand, and it had provided quite an academic understanding on love I had failed to understand back then. Why to every attitude I had possessed, to every unique person I meet then (some of them certified mentally ill) along the way to NUS, and how to each relationship in light of the perfect love my religion advocates. They were innately a question everybody asks, and it was heartening to know that we have a discipline dedicated to help us work our away around it.

So technically life had been always a question in the two courses that I take today.

What do I wish to do from here? In light of a steadily increasing cap, one cannot help but be optimistic in the courses he is about to take. Somehow the original ideal of having a second major (by promoting a minor after graduation) sounds extremely convincing. And by now I guess there are no prizes in guessing what these majors are and why. Yes, if time permits I may opt to convert my minor in psych into a major after my 4th year. I'll probably spend a couple more semesters in school. But the implications are quite heartening.

I get to do the two things I had been unknowingly doing all my life.

I get a double major (as I hoped initially before I entered NUS).

There is a nice balance between being pragmatic, and doing something for personal discovery

Learning about empathy, love and people works well with solving problems and our world.

And ultimately, I can be a better person either way.

Combined with spiritual developments and communal support, I guess this duality of aspirations does not seem to be a very bad idea yeah? 

What lies beyond the recognition of these issues, via a simple conversation with my course mates over a long boring day in school, is the perseverance to see through them and realize it. I know this sounds very much like a self help book now, but definitely I am still a work in progress. Till then, or till my cap speaks otherwise- this current mind-map of minds and maps shall hold. 

=D

  

Flagship post for 2011

This post is the first post of the year 2011. It is really quite a flagship post on this space; since it would, more or less, set the course of action for the rest of the year. But before I start diving head-on into plans and agendas, it would be only congenial to start light.


For the past few years, I usually start on the triad of questions: ‘what have we gained? What have we lost, and what has ultimately changed?’. These questions are in essence reflectory questions after a transition of events: be it graduation, acceptance or forsakement; and three days ago, we have transited from the year 2010 to 2011. Today, I’ll jump straight to the last question first. We’ll then see if they are considered objectively as gains or losses, hopefully by the end of this post- we’ll come up with a definite course of action.


Broadly speaking, nothing groundbreaking has occurred with the turn of the year. I am still a student, and given a choice, I will still skive tutorials like I always would. Yet this does not mean that nothing has changed at all. Rather, there had been several changes that had taken place over the past few weeks. These changes were something I would call 'curious' and ‘inevitable’, and they are actually core changes in personal outlooks than peripheral changes. Simply speaking, there is a change in personal philosophy again.


What happened? By now, I should not overstate the fact that I have ended my campaign for reaffirmation on the 7th December 2010. While ''campaign RN'' remains no more as a name for personal reference, what lies beneath this overrated statement is the fact that the initial philosophy that the living best ought to be realized via the moderation of logical thought and intuitive feeling is over. Today we understand that moderation is no more than an aspect of the love ideal as advocated by Catholicism. The living best as we speak can only be actualized in perfect love as instituted by Christ. All the talk on logic guiding feelings and solely leading life, becomes no more than a one-sided argument.


Can one see the beauty within this chain of events? The old campaign, with the idea of epistemic (truth-seeking) moderation as its core and the 2 series of discussions to substantiate itself, was actually a transitory phase in the reconciliation to the love ideal I had estranged myself back after JC. Throughout the past 2 years, those who were involved in this series of discussions with me would have realized that as we induced from particular to the general, we were actually declaring that the ‘objective truth’ we believed (then) was no more than a singular aspect of a greater proceeding of events. Yet curiously it was inevitable: as long as there was this unadulterated conviction to see God and Love, no matter how broken he may be initially, it is only imperative for a man to find him in his heart eventually.


It is also no coincidence on why an independent idealism has to lead to a dissonance between the real and ideal. For those who try to see goodness and truth in a world of vice and hypocricy, many have ended up hating this world, or give up totally on what they believe in. Yet it is precisely because of the lack of communal love that we fall over and over again our own independent wills. Yes, it was difficult to step out of my visions and ideals and see what was wrong with them, since it was always so much more easy to push the fault to to world and others. Now that I may finally see that the actual way to life and love is only in God via the community, although we can never claim that we have attained perfection in vision, it can nevertheless be stated that the initial postulate is more or less, obsolete.


So that had been the core changes to the self. Now, what do these changes entail?


Recently, there is a growing conviction that certain activities partaken in the past out of the initial moderation doctrine are getting more and more meaningless. The 'feeling' segment of the old campaign was originally created to contrast with the wordy search for truth, and it includes drawing, shading, deep-movies, western-comics and manga reading, as well as anime watching. From the initial Akamatsu world of Love Hina closely used in contrast to early excerpts of the series of discussions, these activities, especially on comics, manga and anime had increasingly become central to my life, and subsequently became a 'core' where I frequently draw happiness and meaning from during the academic semester.


Not that entertaiment is inherently bad. However if a personal idealism itself is inadequate to bring true happiness, how more is that an idealism of an arbitrary character, or media? How then is it possible to try to live a meaningful life- to base one’s beliefs and behaviours, on a personal idealism of other people; simply because they seem to be in congruence with what he believes in?


And so much more ought these man-made media- some of which serve nothing more than plain otaku fetishism, ought they to be reconsidered in light of what’s actually meaningful in life: in the potential of real people- of friends, and in their joys, sorrows, aspirations and fears, in the relationships they make and the shared desire for love. In the acts of concern and love they try to enact, even though we know may never attain it perfectly.


And ultimately in the beauty of life and love created not by the intellect of man, but by the wisdom of God himself?


I guess by now things are finally getting quite apparent. Across the old outlook, in both thought and feeling sub-domains, it was because of the imperfection of basis on human intellect, that has lead to the imperfection of the old belief that moderation between thought and feeling is the way for self-actualization. Yet it was nevertheless a start, and by the grace of God we finally may realize his divine plan of salvation in love, in transmuting in the love of Him and that of our neighbours (people)?


Hence this flagship post of the year 2011, no longer just a means to compare what I have gained or lost, or another groundless new year's resolution to break; but rather to see what has improved and how should one grow over the new year. So then, is it possible to state that I have grown? Or is this no more than a false belief of liberation from a personal ideology that has actually only developed way beyond control?


Nope-


One of the hardest things that stand between me and the concept of ‘moving on’ is the fact that I am no longer the measure of things. I cannot qualify myself, so it is not for me to objectively state if I have moved on or ‘transcended’ my previous self. Rather, this qualification can only be given by God, and is seen through others. In this respect, I may never state with such confidence if the transition has already occurred, or is still in the process of occurrence. Yet, it is okay. It is never in commandment for me to qualify actualization via these markers, or by the apparent ‘maturity’ of thought, but rather by the defining actions of love enacted unto others. What truly qualifies me then would be my actions of love and communion, not only to the ones I am inclined to, but also extending to the rest of humanity, including those that may disagree with me.


And so this speculation of 'moving on' will remain open for now.


Nevertheless, what happens beyond today will definitely be a continued development in this aspect, and try to extend this communion from the family, close friends and my religious group to include those I had not the chance to be close with. What is most important now is the fundamental beliefs that God is central to my life and from there appreciate creation proper, from the gift of humanity, to the beauty of nature. I look forward to understanding more of God and life, because it makes me aware of his plan and love. At the same time I’ll try to become people-orientated, with the knowledge that they’re divine creations, so much more than a typical human creation. All these cannot come from my own will alone, and there will be a constant need for His grace to actualize this.


Till then, I am still a work in progress, so forgive my shortcomings.


Nevertheless, it is about time to move on, if nothing has been done prior to this post. With a sincere heart I do pray for strength and providence to travel on this journey of life. God assist, advent is over, and God is with us.


God Bless.