This post is the first post of the year 2011. It is really quite a flagship post on this space; since it would, more or less, set the course of action for the rest of the year. But before I start diving head-on into plans and agendas, it would be only congenial to start light.
For the past few years, I usually start on the triad of questions: ‘what have we gained? What have we lost, and what has ultimately changed?’. These questions are in essence reflectory questions after a transition of events: be it graduation, acceptance or forsakement; and three days ago, we have transited from the year 2010 to 2011. Today, I’ll jump straight to the last question first. We’ll then see if they are considered objectively as gains or losses, hopefully by the end of this post- we’ll come up with a definite course of action.
Broadly speaking, nothing groundbreaking has occurred with the turn of the year. I am still a student, and given a choice, I will still skive tutorials like I always would. Yet this does not mean that nothing has changed at all. Rather, there had been several changes that had taken place over the past few weeks. These changes were something I would call 'curious' and ‘inevitable’, and they are actually core changes in personal outlooks than peripheral changes. Simply speaking, there is a change in personal philosophy again.
What happened? By now, I should not overstate the fact that I have ended my campaign for reaffirmation on the 7th December 2010. While ''campaign RN'' remains no more as a name for personal reference, what lies beneath this overrated statement is the fact that the initial philosophy that the living best ought to be realized via the moderation of logical thought and intuitive feeling is over. Today we understand that moderation is no more than an aspect of the love ideal as advocated by Catholicism. The living best as we speak can only be actualized in perfect love as instituted by Christ. All the talk on logic guiding feelings and solely leading life, becomes no more than a one-sided argument.
Can one see the beauty within this chain of events? The old campaign, with the idea of epistemic (truth-seeking) moderation as its core and the 2 series of discussions to substantiate itself, was actually a transitory phase in the reconciliation to the love ideal I had estranged myself back after JC. Throughout the past 2 years, those who were involved in this series of discussions with me would have realized that as we induced from particular to the general, we were actually declaring that the ‘objective truth’ we believed (then) was no more than a singular aspect of a greater proceeding of events. Yet curiously it was inevitable: as long as there was this unadulterated conviction to see God and Love, no matter how broken he may be initially, it is only imperative for a man to find him in his heart eventually.
It is also no coincidence on why an independent idealism has to lead to a dissonance between the real and ideal. For those who try to see goodness and truth in a world of vice and hypocricy, many have ended up hating this world, or give up totally on what they believe in. Yet it is precisely because of the lack of communal love that we fall over and over again our own independent wills. Yes, it was difficult to step out of my visions and ideals and see what was wrong with them, since it was always so much more easy to push the fault to to world and others. Now that I may finally see that the actual way to life and love is only in God via the community, although we can never claim that we have attained perfection in vision, it can nevertheless be stated that the initial postulate is more or less, obsolete.
So that had been the core changes to the self. Now, what do these changes entail?
Recently, there is a growing conviction that certain activities partaken in the past out of the initial moderation doctrine are getting more and more meaningless. The 'feeling' segment of the old campaign was originally created to contrast with the wordy search for truth, and it includes drawing, shading, deep-movies, western-comics and manga reading, as well as anime watching. From the initial Akamatsu world of Love Hina closely used in contrast to early excerpts of the series of discussions, these activities, especially on comics, manga and anime had increasingly become central to my life, and subsequently became a 'core' where I frequently draw happiness and meaning from during the academic semester.
Not that entertaiment is inherently bad. However if a personal idealism itself is inadequate to bring true happiness, how more is that an idealism of an arbitrary character, or media? How then is it possible to try to live a meaningful life- to base one’s beliefs and behaviours, on a personal idealism of other people; simply because they seem to be in congruence with what he believes in?
And so much more ought these man-made media- some of which serve nothing more than plain otaku fetishism, ought they to be reconsidered in light of what’s actually meaningful in life: in the potential of real people- of friends, and in their joys, sorrows, aspirations and fears, in the relationships they make and the shared desire for love. In the acts of concern and love they try to enact, even though we know may never attain it perfectly.
And ultimately in the beauty of life and love created not by the intellect of man, but by the wisdom of God himself?
I guess by now things are finally getting quite apparent. Across the old outlook, in both thought and feeling sub-domains, it was because of the imperfection of basis on human intellect, that has lead to the imperfection of the old belief that moderation between thought and feeling is the way for self-actualization. Yet it was nevertheless a start, and by the grace of God we finally may realize his divine plan of salvation in love, in transmuting in the love of Him and that of our neighbours (people)?
Hence this flagship post of the year 2011, no longer just a means to compare what I have gained or lost, or another groundless new year's resolution to break; but rather to see what has improved and how should one grow over the new year. So then, is it possible to state that I have grown? Or is this no more than a false belief of liberation from a personal ideology that has actually only developed way beyond control?
Nope-
One of the hardest things that stand between me and the concept of ‘moving on’ is the fact that I am no longer the measure of things. I cannot qualify myself, so it is not for me to objectively state if I have moved on or ‘transcended’ my previous self. Rather, this qualification can only be given by God, and is seen through others. In this respect, I may never state with such confidence if the transition has already occurred, or is still in the process of occurrence. Yet, it is okay. It is never in commandment for me to qualify actualization via these markers, or by the apparent ‘maturity’ of thought, but rather by the defining actions of love enacted unto others. What truly qualifies me then would be my actions of love and communion, not only to the ones I am inclined to, but also extending to the rest of humanity, including those that may disagree with me.
And so this speculation of 'moving on' will remain open for now.
Nevertheless, what happens beyond today will definitely be a continued development in this aspect, and try to extend this communion from the family, close friends and my religious group to include those I had not the chance to be close with. What is most important now is the fundamental beliefs that God is central to my life and from there appreciate creation proper, from the gift of humanity, to the beauty of nature. I look forward to understanding more of God and life, because it makes me aware of his plan and love. At the same time I’ll try to become people-orientated, with the knowledge that they’re divine creations, so much more than a typical human creation. All these cannot come from my own will alone, and there will be a constant need for His grace to actualize this.
Till then, I am still a work in progress, so forgive my shortcomings.
Nevertheless, it is about time to move on, if nothing has been done prior to this post. With a sincere heart I do pray for strength and providence to travel on this journey of life. God assist, advent is over, and God is with us.
God Bless.
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