Lessons in Logic

Ps: Please don't quote this against me =S

If your father is a poor man,

it is fate,

But if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's stupidity.

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I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

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If practice makes perfect.....

And nobody's perfect......

Why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

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The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say.......

Why am I Catholic (an unpublished testimonial)

CAW proceeds next week. 

Recently there has been a call to write testimonials on "Why am I catholic" in about 200 words. A few of my friends have submitted their personal testimonies, and initially I too had been eager to submit my own take. I mused a few lines in my head, wondered if I should actually throw out flowery emotional stories or matter-of-fact observations. They were all at the tip of my tongue then, and yet none of these materialized. In the end I never got to submit my own testament.

A simple reason: I am not sure if people around would agree with me, but I believe I am unfit to write religious testimonials. 

Although I know I have been harping on the topic of life of purpose perfectly within His plan, it is fact that all my life I have been engulfed only by the reality of circumstances. While people around me see life as a manifestation of His will, so much that they could literally sit back and commune with Him in prayer on what to do; what I really could touch in life was just choice, circumstance and determinism. 

What is? I was a cradle catholic, and for all time I was quite familiar with truth, direction and the life-love ideal. I picked up morality like any other kid in catechism: I loved N. because God loves me and God loves N equally. I refrained from cheating because it would make Jesus and other people sad. Ultimately, I am happy because both He and I want to be happy, and I want others to be happy to because He wants everybody to be as happy as I was.

At 6 years of age it was so simple. In every feeling I am feeling, in each desire I desired, and in each thought I had thought there was a direct connection between me and the God I knew. I could almost shout that the reason I exist, lest why was I a Catholic. Why was I jumping around in Changi Airport waiting for the sky-train to arrive, was because there was this awesome dude upstairs who told everybody (me included) that I may start jumping today to express joy, and from there bring joy to others around me. 

This mindset did not last long. Perhaps it was because we all matured and understood a little more about the workings of this world. Slowly, life began to seem quite self-explanatory of itself, and I began to use real propositions to explain real phenomena rather than God. Moreover, my thoughts and feelings had slowly grown complex with adolescence. It was almost impossible to declare that the reason why am I sitting at the grandstand at 7 in the morning thinking about a specific her, trying not to beat up my best friend (who was her boyfriend), and at the same time thinking of switching schools after being posted to some hopeless arts course was because the dude upstairs wanted me to do so and see life and love within.    

I guess we are usually unaware about of these things until they hit you and the pain reaches the depths of the heart. It was easier to dissociate reality from God: to just live life on day by day, and try to explain thoughts feelings and behavior based on events and stimuli. I study so hard because got midterms next week, and if I fail it my cap cannot hit 3.2, then I study 4 years in engineering no honors a bit waste time and money.... I feel happy because I can go out with my friends today, and I want my friends to be happy about today too because if we're all happy we can go out again next time. 

By then God was really pushed out of the equation: God probably wanted us to be happy too.... I think.... but aiyah- who cares who wants who to be happy as long as we're all happy in the first place?

And so He became a concept- an Ideal, a abstract philosophy-- this unknowable umbrella that justifies why I wanted to love, be happy, and to live life to the fullest. So as long as I have real actions of love, of happiness and of a full-life thrust unto me it wasn't necessary to think about Him at all. Yet it was when I was in pain, or when I cannot tag a real reason on why people are treating me like--, when I would shamelessly crawl back and expect Him to give me an answer.

Ideal justification better than no justification right? But when there is real justification i.e. some girl to kiss the pain away, what good is the ideal true love God promises huh? After all, it's not like He's going to kiss the pain away for you right?

It sounds completely retarded. But yes, that had been the reason why I am a Catholic too. Thinking about it: I am Catholic primarily because I feel insured in His ideal love- I attend mass and pray constantly to claim brownie points, hoping that He'll spare me some honey along the way in return. I try to perform charity because it directly makes me feel good about myself and the other person, and after that it might just probably help out, somehow... you know, with pleasing God along the way. Catholic Life was about me, and my neighbor (selected people hor), the tangible happiness, and lots of hot passionate love. Yes, it is partially correct, but what happened to God being the center of life, or communal love in sacrosanct? What happened to the simple 6 year old mindset, which had been the pure unadulterated conviction to see God and be a true Christian?

So sometimes from the deepest recesses within there is always a thirst for love even though we're apparently showered with 'love'. And after we cry we may sometimes become foggily aware of a desiring for a greater  communion to something-- in truth this is a reconciliation and communion to a God centered (or Christ centered) life in happiness.

Even in my current position, I am definitely far from this 'ideal' of Christian love. I sit here typing these words that may momentarily empower me, yet given circumstance I'll probably forget it by the day after, given the real workload of tutorials and lectures. Much of the happiness I derive will still be physically attributed, and at best I may recognize the 'Christ' in my friends (or other people) and fleetingly appreciate His plan manifesting in full. Yes, I will fall- but from today I may know at least that there is indeed a God to strive for. Like I said I am still a work in progress, yet as long as persistence and faith holds I may that this is ultimately, not forgetting the other abovementioned reasons, why am I a Catholic today.

*

I am a Catholic because I am in communion. I am in communion because both He wants to be in communion with me, and I want to be in communion with others to because He wants everybody to be in a communion with him and with each other.

On Minds and Maps

Thirteen days have passed since the turn of the year. The holidays are over, school is back in full swing, and will soon take it's toil.

Today there had been a seven hour break in school. Technically there was supposed to be a one-hour lecture in between this long stretch of time, however we had decided to forgo it after being stuck in the Bukit Timah Campus (for prata) for more than half an hour. So the last three hours was spent at the arts canteen, talking, and trying to pass time by.

I guess many questions were asked along the way, most of them from my other friends. The proceeding of questions were extremely peculiar. The issue of love came out first, from there we moved on to the mistakes done before, to the ugly things seen in life, and finally proceeding to the courses we took and the future careers we wish to have. Everyone had a story to tell: some sections were convulsed, some gloriously expanded, others shyly summarized, and the rest speculative. It was not a conversation I would will for, but I guess all things happen for a reason.

On retrospect, there had been a subtle link between the things we talked today with the things that had been on my mind for quite a while. Where are we coming from, where are we now, and where are we going? I recited my part, droning on in a tone that neither glorifies the past excessively, nor treat it as some unspeakable taboo. Yet it was in the looking back I realized that there was actually a flow- a continuity from one story to another. How did I arrive in NUS, why did I choose civil engineering, why my uncanny interest in psychology, and what do I wish to do. 

Civil engineering was like this long-lost heritage I've recently regained. Early records and testimonies of my life had shown that I had been 'practicing' civil engineering since I was three. The first A5 'picture' I drew was not a person or an object, but actually a map of a untitled city complete with expressways, interchanges (that followed traffic flow theory) and arterial roads. Much to my parent's horror, I redid the 1988 edition of the road directory at home with a crayon; changed the orientation of the streets, and notably added a MRT line to the system (then red, yellow, green and blue) which closely resembles the proposed Downtown line fifteen years later. Hotel and building layout plans came out in primary school, and the CTE viaduct system (which became an academic project 5 years later) was touched. Where was I 'destined' to go then? An MRT driver, a taxi cabbie, a failed architect, a rock picker and a garbage collector. Civil engineering studied them all, and today I am technically fulfilling my childhood ambitions once more altogether.

How did psychology come about then? I could not carry on my doodlings come secondary four and college, so I kinda stopped them and tried to live a social life like everyone else. Yet it was precisely on past failings in life and love (being) back in college all these excerpts came about to introspect them. Maybe it was the will not to recommit mistakes and live a better life, or is it just the will to excel in the general paper to impress the hard-to-impress tutor. I had moved to philosophy and critical inquiry at first, and found that they do not solve the problems of being, but merely turns it into a never-ending problem subjective to debate and opinion. Yet it was psychology that had captured my attention. It was in effect a study of the human soul- something that I had always desired to understand, and it had provided quite an academic understanding on love I had failed to understand back then. Why to every attitude I had possessed, to every unique person I meet then (some of them certified mentally ill) along the way to NUS, and how to each relationship in light of the perfect love my religion advocates. They were innately a question everybody asks, and it was heartening to know that we have a discipline dedicated to help us work our away around it.

So technically life had been always a question in the two courses that I take today.

What do I wish to do from here? In light of a steadily increasing cap, one cannot help but be optimistic in the courses he is about to take. Somehow the original ideal of having a second major (by promoting a minor after graduation) sounds extremely convincing. And by now I guess there are no prizes in guessing what these majors are and why. Yes, if time permits I may opt to convert my minor in psych into a major after my 4th year. I'll probably spend a couple more semesters in school. But the implications are quite heartening.

I get to do the two things I had been unknowingly doing all my life.

I get a double major (as I hoped initially before I entered NUS).

There is a nice balance between being pragmatic, and doing something for personal discovery

Learning about empathy, love and people works well with solving problems and our world.

And ultimately, I can be a better person either way.

Combined with spiritual developments and communal support, I guess this duality of aspirations does not seem to be a very bad idea yeah? 

What lies beyond the recognition of these issues, via a simple conversation with my course mates over a long boring day in school, is the perseverance to see through them and realize it. I know this sounds very much like a self help book now, but definitely I am still a work in progress. Till then, or till my cap speaks otherwise- this current mind-map of minds and maps shall hold. 

=D

  

Flagship post for 2011

This post is the first post of the year 2011. It is really quite a flagship post on this space; since it would, more or less, set the course of action for the rest of the year. But before I start diving head-on into plans and agendas, it would be only congenial to start light.


For the past few years, I usually start on the triad of questions: ‘what have we gained? What have we lost, and what has ultimately changed?’. These questions are in essence reflectory questions after a transition of events: be it graduation, acceptance or forsakement; and three days ago, we have transited from the year 2010 to 2011. Today, I’ll jump straight to the last question first. We’ll then see if they are considered objectively as gains or losses, hopefully by the end of this post- we’ll come up with a definite course of action.


Broadly speaking, nothing groundbreaking has occurred with the turn of the year. I am still a student, and given a choice, I will still skive tutorials like I always would. Yet this does not mean that nothing has changed at all. Rather, there had been several changes that had taken place over the past few weeks. These changes were something I would call 'curious' and ‘inevitable’, and they are actually core changes in personal outlooks than peripheral changes. Simply speaking, there is a change in personal philosophy again.


What happened? By now, I should not overstate the fact that I have ended my campaign for reaffirmation on the 7th December 2010. While ''campaign RN'' remains no more as a name for personal reference, what lies beneath this overrated statement is the fact that the initial philosophy that the living best ought to be realized via the moderation of logical thought and intuitive feeling is over. Today we understand that moderation is no more than an aspect of the love ideal as advocated by Catholicism. The living best as we speak can only be actualized in perfect love as instituted by Christ. All the talk on logic guiding feelings and solely leading life, becomes no more than a one-sided argument.


Can one see the beauty within this chain of events? The old campaign, with the idea of epistemic (truth-seeking) moderation as its core and the 2 series of discussions to substantiate itself, was actually a transitory phase in the reconciliation to the love ideal I had estranged myself back after JC. Throughout the past 2 years, those who were involved in this series of discussions with me would have realized that as we induced from particular to the general, we were actually declaring that the ‘objective truth’ we believed (then) was no more than a singular aspect of a greater proceeding of events. Yet curiously it was inevitable: as long as there was this unadulterated conviction to see God and Love, no matter how broken he may be initially, it is only imperative for a man to find him in his heart eventually.


It is also no coincidence on why an independent idealism has to lead to a dissonance between the real and ideal. For those who try to see goodness and truth in a world of vice and hypocricy, many have ended up hating this world, or give up totally on what they believe in. Yet it is precisely because of the lack of communal love that we fall over and over again our own independent wills. Yes, it was difficult to step out of my visions and ideals and see what was wrong with them, since it was always so much more easy to push the fault to to world and others. Now that I may finally see that the actual way to life and love is only in God via the community, although we can never claim that we have attained perfection in vision, it can nevertheless be stated that the initial postulate is more or less, obsolete.


So that had been the core changes to the self. Now, what do these changes entail?


Recently, there is a growing conviction that certain activities partaken in the past out of the initial moderation doctrine are getting more and more meaningless. The 'feeling' segment of the old campaign was originally created to contrast with the wordy search for truth, and it includes drawing, shading, deep-movies, western-comics and manga reading, as well as anime watching. From the initial Akamatsu world of Love Hina closely used in contrast to early excerpts of the series of discussions, these activities, especially on comics, manga and anime had increasingly become central to my life, and subsequently became a 'core' where I frequently draw happiness and meaning from during the academic semester.


Not that entertaiment is inherently bad. However if a personal idealism itself is inadequate to bring true happiness, how more is that an idealism of an arbitrary character, or media? How then is it possible to try to live a meaningful life- to base one’s beliefs and behaviours, on a personal idealism of other people; simply because they seem to be in congruence with what he believes in?


And so much more ought these man-made media- some of which serve nothing more than plain otaku fetishism, ought they to be reconsidered in light of what’s actually meaningful in life: in the potential of real people- of friends, and in their joys, sorrows, aspirations and fears, in the relationships they make and the shared desire for love. In the acts of concern and love they try to enact, even though we know may never attain it perfectly.


And ultimately in the beauty of life and love created not by the intellect of man, but by the wisdom of God himself?


I guess by now things are finally getting quite apparent. Across the old outlook, in both thought and feeling sub-domains, it was because of the imperfection of basis on human intellect, that has lead to the imperfection of the old belief that moderation between thought and feeling is the way for self-actualization. Yet it was nevertheless a start, and by the grace of God we finally may realize his divine plan of salvation in love, in transmuting in the love of Him and that of our neighbours (people)?


Hence this flagship post of the year 2011, no longer just a means to compare what I have gained or lost, or another groundless new year's resolution to break; but rather to see what has improved and how should one grow over the new year. So then, is it possible to state that I have grown? Or is this no more than a false belief of liberation from a personal ideology that has actually only developed way beyond control?


Nope-


One of the hardest things that stand between me and the concept of ‘moving on’ is the fact that I am no longer the measure of things. I cannot qualify myself, so it is not for me to objectively state if I have moved on or ‘transcended’ my previous self. Rather, this qualification can only be given by God, and is seen through others. In this respect, I may never state with such confidence if the transition has already occurred, or is still in the process of occurrence. Yet, it is okay. It is never in commandment for me to qualify actualization via these markers, or by the apparent ‘maturity’ of thought, but rather by the defining actions of love enacted unto others. What truly qualifies me then would be my actions of love and communion, not only to the ones I am inclined to, but also extending to the rest of humanity, including those that may disagree with me.


And so this speculation of 'moving on' will remain open for now.


Nevertheless, what happens beyond today will definitely be a continued development in this aspect, and try to extend this communion from the family, close friends and my religious group to include those I had not the chance to be close with. What is most important now is the fundamental beliefs that God is central to my life and from there appreciate creation proper, from the gift of humanity, to the beauty of nature. I look forward to understanding more of God and life, because it makes me aware of his plan and love. At the same time I’ll try to become people-orientated, with the knowledge that they’re divine creations, so much more than a typical human creation. All these cannot come from my own will alone, and there will be a constant need for His grace to actualize this.


Till then, I am still a work in progress, so forgive my shortcomings.


Nevertheless, it is about time to move on, if nothing has been done prior to this post. With a sincere heart I do pray for strength and providence to travel on this journey of life. God assist, advent is over, and God is with us.


God Bless.