Service

After some introspection, some of us may have realized that Goodness and Meaning is actually a quale in which the principles of valuation may apply. Not because Goodness is just a soft alternative of currency for people to qualify a better life, but simply because its the one true objective standard of valuation where money and economics actually derived it's bases from.

So like every bank account, there is always the depositing process, and the withdrawing process to all things good. Sometimes the amount withdrawn exceeds the amount deposited, and one will feel drained, on the other hand there is never a problem depositing more than withdrawing. I guess God doesn't tax us the way capitalists do (he has no reason to scrimp some transaction money for himself). By 'good' things I am being very generic here, it can really apply from an I-phone to a blessing from a loved one. But today I don't think I want to stretch that idea too far, so enough of the analogy to money.

Today I attended mass with the CSS. The agenda of the homily was a simple address on how objectively good actions can actually go bad if the intention itself is awry, since intent and manifestation (insert nostalgia here) come hand in hand to qualify if an action itself is justified. A good act of being kind to others may therefore become tainted if the intent was for selfish reasons. So therefore, the question of means justifying ends is never the question of concern- rather, as what he has stated, all intent ought to be out of love, and all credit returned to where it rightfully belongs.

One of the interesting questions that popped out tonight was the question if anyone had witnessed a good action with a bad intent. A couple of brave hands went up, they were personal anecdotes on how they had started service initially on a less-objective (I am in no position to judge if its selfish) reason. Yet one of these sharings struck me. I sat there, laughing politely yet shifting uncomfortably, and six hours later I guess its only appropriate to log this somewhere lest I forget it by tomorrow.

The anecdote was as follows: "I joined and served this community initially because I simply wanted to be accepted."

Do we all not, in some way or the other? I had thought then. Frankly speaking, hadn't that too been my initial reason to actually join this very same community? Although I did not use the words 'accepted', but nevertheless I had joined this community, or actually rather entered university, on the hope that I may seek affirmation in the things that I do, and the intentions that I pursue. I ought to be more than aware of the concepts of gessellschaft and germeinschaft, or simply speaking, depositing and withdrawing in this account of Goodness. Nevertheless, it was difficult to set aside personal desires for affirmation and instead start by loving others. Moreover, while this act of service is underway, actually ensure that all is actually for the glory of God, and not in hope that others may reciprocate this love so that I may stand to benefit in the long run.

So then, a 'strategic' investment for personal gains is a no-no for the currency of Goodness (and love).

What ought to be done instead? The all out universal (catholic) answer will be to serve without enacting repayment: contribute via the deposit of quale into this account of goodness, and from there increase the objective meaning of this community, without any intentions of a sleazy businessman. After all it is appropriate to remark that the love, as advocated by Christianity, was self-exhausting in nature. I don't want to start alluding to daunting theological doctrines on love and meaning to prove a simple experience tonight, but at least the moral of the story is that while I try to enact little acts of concern along the way (hopefully I am), I am doing it not out of eliciting affirmation and love from others, nor for personal grandeur. But rather simply because it's no more than my duty.

I know this is one whack job. Not only to the investment model of value theory, but also to common-sense. More than likely, we'll probably start to complain that God is being unfair- that he doesn't accede to our desires, and that we can't possible carry on if all we do is sacrifice ourselves to a stony wall of indifference. Notably, we'll reason out that since this law is universal, then definitely some other people ought to be sacrificing themselves so that we may stand to benefit and be empowered. But since they all decide to be selfish, then naturally it is only correct for us to stop the pain by not further hurting ourselves...

From there the bargain goes on.

The challenge for me I guess from this point is to actually proceed on without ending the day with one more pointless bargain. I can imagine the look of disbelief on other people's faces when I tell them that I am really not expecting anything from them in return, so I guess I'll have to be ready for that. Most importantly, there will be a need for sustained conviction to actually perform acts of meaning, since I do not daresay what I may do is definitely righteous, let alone righteous 24-7. While I still desire affirmation, these sentiments should not be the motivating factor to things. Only then I guess, may I be of true work to my community, and ultimately for the kingdom of heaven.

Speaking about work, academic work should be going well- I don't think I have ever did mathematics with such confidence as of yesterday in the past 4 years, and interestingly this was actually the first quiz I actually prayed for. More work entails this coming week I guess, not something I really look forward to, but I guess it's all in the bag.  

Well then, awesome, enough talking and get back to work- then and again, which work? =D

A meeting

God sure works in mysterious ways. I don't know what to say exactly, but I guess I have to be glad about this =S

Today I attended a Patrician Meeting, well it isn't really a Patrician Meeting, but rather the Patrician Meeting. (the choice of verbs apply to who is reading this excerpt).  Technically speaking, a Patrician meeting is a meeting aimed for Catholics to express, communicate ideas, and at the same time grow in the faith. Simply speaking, this meeting is a nice sharing and affirming session. The topic for discussion is "can a good scientist be a good Catholic".

Awesome huh.

Well definitely yes. Issues were brought up, and the spiritual director rounded it off very well, answering some of the most pertinent questions with finesse yet subtlety. There was definitely so much more to learn from the others, than to just merely contribute for the sake of self-expression. The topic was more than nostalgic: personally I know I haven't cast much introspection on this topic for years, yet surprisingly it wasn't stale. For once, I may finally return back to it in light of religion, and not out of some self-serving reason to see meaning and truth in life.

So yes, if I have to phrase this very metaphorically, tonight was the night I saw my ex-wife again. (LOL)

Well, this brings about a certain need for decision for me I guess. I need not go all emotional or angst-y about this, and yet neither do I have a need to wrap this topic under some deeply coded message. It is very interesting that I had told myself I ought not think too much on all these philosophical issues and try to live a life of humility and simplicity (in love). Yet seemingly it's almost like in the divine plan for me to express all these deeper aspects of humanity once more.

Well, of course I do not want to come up with a hasty decision to either express this domain out in it's intellectual essence or to transmute it more subtly via meaningful actions. I know the best thing is to do both at the same time, and I am guessing that was probably why I was given this opportunity to attend this meeting at this point in time. Well if this is true, then I guess I will have to do a better job trying to moderate these two aspects together without inadvertently leaning on one side of the spectrum again.

But of course this time I won't be pushing doctrines out in hopes of conversion. I believe we have transcended that phase of trying to change people to suit our own ideals. Definitely, I'll take time out. Much as there is a time for all these intellectual advancements (this includes all the academic work in engineering, as well as future concerns on job prospects and living pragmatically), there is definitely a time to just sit back, smile and appreciate the blessings that come our way tonight.

Cheers.

Appreciating

I found out that I haven't actually spent some time in so many months to sit back and appreciate the people who have been with me all the while.

Firstly, a big thank you to all those whom have been with me. It doesn't matter who got where first, since its really the quality, and not the quantity that counts. I have indeed learned a lot from you guys on how to be a better person, no matter how small or insignificant you guys may think these time together may be- Yes, it's very subtle, and I am not the kind of person who goes around giving affirmations to people publicly, but I don't think I should keep it a complete hush hush either. So then, thanks once again.

Secondly, another big thank you for those whom actually was patient and understanding while I was away trying to be the king of my own hill. Retrospecting, what I had did was fundamentally not quite Catholic, but nevertheless you guys did not despise me for who I was and gave me encouragement along the way. Although we didn't have to go to the extent of great emotional outbursts, but the simple act of merely tolerating was really more than enough. I am coming back to earth, cheers.

Thirdly, one more big thank you for those whom I had traveled with- those that I may have the honor to be of service. I do not mean that it's my agenda to peek into every trouble and judge them, but at least there was an opportunity for me to enact a little more care and concern. I'll try to strive to be a more loving person.

I guess I am glad to finally be able to see where my limits lie. To know that I do not have the jurisdiction involve myself in every intention to change the world, basing on my own standards. I am still trying to bridge a little gap: to rely on others, and hence appreciate the God-likeness in them. To understand that what's past is actually good guidance to what improvements I may make in the future, and not something that limits me and who I can actually be (with God's grace, that is).

I will still go about and give this validation to you guys when I have the opportunity. Meanwhile, let me have the liberty to say these three phrases:

I love you God,
I love you, friends (whoever you may be).
I love being a Catholic Christian.

=)

retrospecting again

Indeed, it seems that I have not updated on this domain for a month again. There were the usual tutorials, and there was just too much noise along the way. Those would usually be my excuses for not doing anything, however this time I guess things are slightly different from before.

The past three months had brought me to a realization that whatever construes on life, no matter how objective, are no more better than beating straw if the intent is not for the service of others. Truthfully, the path to this realization was not very smooth sailing, and many times I had hit a dead wall wondering how is it possible to enact concern and at the same time ensure that I do not end up on the losing end of things. I was never a good negotiator before, and trying to strike a deal with Him above was not something personal indigence could have its way with things.

Perhaps before I carry on I might have the liberty to restate. By giving up trying to serve what I may offer to myself, I have learned that I am actually no more special than those around me. This does not mean that my uniqueness is compromised, or that my friends were never special to begin with. However this actually implies that they were actually sanctified and unique individuals all along, just that I had turned a blind eye to their potential and needs. Nevertheless, it was definitely a humbling yet enlightening experience- I know I have stated this last month, but I guess some things do deserve a second mention after all, so let this be a reminder to myself for one more day. 

So what's cooking? Or if I may use the same three phrases I had been using all along to assess myself, what have I gained, what have I lost, and what has ultimately changed? Throughout the last month I had been contemplating how exactly am I supposed to proceed on; actually doing anything (which I feel is) constructive took up 5% of the time, the other 95% was spent feeling confused. Then and again I should have known that the higher plan is constructed such that we may never fully understand why we do the things we do until we retrospect. (It is in this way we may thus have a free will and yet be completely compatible with the higher will). Now that I retrospect this month once more, it seemed that everything had been meant to be all along.

Last month saw through an unexpected series of re-affirmation (yes its that word again) with many people I never thought I had the honor to be in/of service. I do not think I am at liberty to explicitly describe all these incidences in detail, since some of therm entail rather delicate issues. But nevertheless it was definitely an eye-opening experience. As we pulled out the big guns once again, at least I relish in the understanding that we are no longer using them to convert individuals to live up to a personal vision, but rather in a sincere attempt to help them to be. Whether I had been of objective help didn't really matter this time, perhaps what really mattered is the intent, and the effort, beyond that the higher plan will take it's toil appropriately.

And then I picked up drawing again: which was awesome stuff to do especially when lectures turn horrendously boring. Of course it would be more awesome if I were to actually pay attention to those lectures instead of turning it into a drawing class. But nevertheless it beats nodding off or going onto Facebook for one more spin on Restaurant City.



What lies beyond today is really beyond introspection I guess. I don't think I want to think too far lest I lose another round of speculation with the big G. But nevertheless let whatever is rightful carry on as planned. I do not daresay what I do is necessarily righteous, or neither do I condemn myself that whatever I do is meaningless and futile. Whatever it is then, heaven knows.