Indeed, it seems that I have not updated on this domain for a month again. There were the usual tutorials, and there was just too much noise along the way. Those would usually be my excuses for not doing anything, however this time I guess things are slightly different from before.
The past three months had brought me to a realization that whatever construes on life, no matter how objective, are no more better than beating straw if the intent is not for the service of others. Truthfully, the path to this realization was not very smooth sailing, and many times I had hit a dead wall wondering how is it possible to enact concern and at the same time ensure that I do not end up on the losing end of things. I was never a good negotiator before, and trying to strike a deal with Him above was not something personal indigence could have its way with things.
Perhaps before I carry on I might have the liberty to restate. By giving up trying to serve what I may offer to myself, I have learned that I am actually no more special than those around me. This does not mean that my uniqueness is compromised, or that my friends were never special to begin with. However this actually implies that they were actually sanctified and unique individuals all along, just that I had turned a blind eye to their potential and needs. Nevertheless, it was definitely a humbling yet enlightening experience- I know I have stated this last month, but I guess some things do deserve a second mention after all, so let this be a reminder to myself for one more day.
So what's cooking? Or if I may use the same three phrases I had been using all along to assess myself, what have I gained, what have I lost, and what has ultimately changed? Throughout the last month I had been contemplating how exactly am I supposed to proceed on; actually doing anything (which I feel is) constructive took up 5% of the time, the other 95% was spent feeling confused. Then and again I should have known that the higher plan is constructed such that we may never fully understand why we do the things we do until we retrospect. (It is in this way we may thus have a free will and yet be completely compatible with the higher will). Now that I retrospect this month once more, it seemed that everything had been meant to be all along.
Last month saw through an unexpected series of re-affirmation (yes its that word again) with many people I never thought I had the honor to be in/of service. I do not think I am at liberty to explicitly describe all these incidences in detail, since some of therm entail rather delicate issues. But nevertheless it was definitely an eye-opening experience. As we pulled out the big guns once again, at least I relish in the understanding that we are no longer using them to convert individuals to live up to a personal vision, but rather in a sincere attempt to help them to be. Whether I had been of objective help didn't really matter this time, perhaps what really mattered is the intent, and the effort, beyond that the higher plan will take it's toil appropriately.
And then I picked up drawing again: which was awesome stuff to do especially when lectures turn horrendously boring. Of course it would be more awesome if I were to actually pay attention to those lectures instead of turning it into a drawing class. But nevertheless it beats nodding off or going onto Facebook for one more spin on Restaurant City.
What lies beyond today is really beyond introspection I guess. I don't think I want to think too far lest I lose another round of speculation with the big G. But nevertheless let whatever is rightful carry on as planned. I do not daresay what I do is necessarily righteous, or neither do I condemn myself that whatever I do is meaningless and futile. Whatever it is then, heaven knows.
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