A lot of things have happened over the past month. I do not think I am in control of any of these events, and I hold confusion yet trust as I a shuffle forward in time to what may be.
One month ago I had found great joy during freshmen orientation camp. Initially, I did not wish to sign up as a facilitator of the camp. I wanted to be a be-friender instead- to laugh, enjoy and acquaint along the way without any form of responsibility or accountability. Yet it was a personal invitation that had made me consider facilitating instead. I was not too sure why I had agreed to it in the first place- perhaps I believed that it wasn't too much after all to repay the graces I had received a year ago when I was a freshie myself. On recon night I finally understood what it really means to be an imperfect person requiring healing and grace, and yet serving for the community at the same time: To require personal reconciliation and prayers and yet to pray for those I am accountable to. I entered camp expecting laughter and new acquaintances- I may finally know I had gained joy and family instead.
Where was I to go in love and service after such a beautiful FOC? At first glance I decided to consolidate my strengths and weaknesses and see how I may utilize my charisms to help build this community. At that point in time it sounded like the logical thing to do- and after some initial consideration I thought that it may be best for me to become a CGL for the SEng community, since it was from this community I had developed spiritually and emotionally. Moreover it is fact that the SEng community desperately requires new CGLs after its current cohort graduates. For a moment the whole situation felt like a fit to the jigsaw puzzle- I knew what I could do, I knew what was needed, and I believed that this whole thing was discernment in its prime.
Many people have came along the way, asking if I would wish to be CGL, and to each of them I more or less replied a yes. I had conspired a little more with other friends- planning what we may do when term re-opens, our visions and expectations for CGs to be like, and who else would take up this role. Yes, I can safely state that many of these changes were really in the interest of the community, yet little did I know that in all these answers and plans I had actually not fully discerned what was desired of me, but rather imposed what I had desired on the community. I attended the annual general meeting expecting to just pass the day by- to spectate the 63rd exco being elected, congratulate them, play some computer games, and then be the next CGL when the term starts.
I never saw this coming at all. When nomination came and I was approached I still believed that I was definitely not the one. Like most others I signed on the slip- since I really wanted to be open to service and His call, but deep down I believed that the Lord will not have me elected since we already know where we were going. Moreover, there were so many others before me so much more worthy of responsibility, love and commitment. When I heard the results of the voting, momentarily everything crashed down.
How does it genuinely feel? I don't really know how to put this feeling into words. I guess a close yet absurd analogy would be that of a romantic relationship. It was as if you were quite passionately in love with this boy/girl you've grown to like over the months, and by virtue of the 'I do's and plans ahead you foresee a life of commitment with him/her. Yet shortly before matrimony you were suddenly informed that you were to be matchmade to another person instead, and since that matchmaker was God Himself you know within that you may not refuse outright.
I guess it is not regret I am feeling right now- and neither am I trying to compare which of the two would be more beautiful. Yes, the feeling of loss would resonate- but this loss would be a loss of personal pride and the disillusion of self control. Also, the feeling of confusion will temporary set in while- I am not some person you may attribute to being filled with the Holy Spirit, or one that is already one with the Lord; but as much as I can I have to take confidence that this sudden detour in path has it's set of reasons- reasons that can only bring greater goodness and love eventually. I am completely unable to see these reasons for the time being, but I guess that is one more challenge I have to overcome in order to be a true disciple of Christ.
Yes, for now I am a blind man walking- a man without his own vision (to what lies ahead), stumbling on the road towards community and service (koinonia), relying on the trust that his needs, and that of the SEng community, will be taken care of along the way.
Take heart people- and do keep in prayers: To be less of ourselves, and more of Him. And most importantly: to always seek first the kingdom of God, and then relish in the knowledge that all these (much needed) things may be then added unto you. God Bless.
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