No no no no no, I'm not trying to be overtly contemplative here, and neither am I tired of living and trying to find new problems with my life. I appreciate what I have today, and I'm still trying to do what is right. Nevertheless, there is this growing weight on my mind, even now that I am beginning to see some light at the end of this quest for meaning and identity: Seemingly, the good life does not come solely with the identification of communal love, but rather with the manifestation (living) of the living best.
Hooray, so ten points for preachy theories, and zero for actions.... okay, maybe a point for trying. But well the point is I am pretty clueless about how am I supposed to live this life of communal love without ending up in... well, sticky situations.
- Like thinking I am close to God I stop trying to communicate with Him constantly.
- Like progressing too far in outreach I sacrifice domestic time.
- Like trying to be assume a role influential and great I forget my original role as a student and a son.
- Like trying too hard to help people I neglect personal time to reflect and recharge.
- Like thinking I can help everybody like superman I forget I am also in need of help from others.
- Like thinking I know quite a lot of things, I become blind to what's still in need of improvement.
- Like trying too hard to enact love myself I forget that it's actually a Grace from God. (see below)
- Like flouncing too much with the idea of perfect communion I fail to appreciate the real effort of people.
Other old habits and weaknesses come creeping in shortly after:
- Like trying to be God. PERISH THAT THOUGHT!!!
- Like thinking I know God's plan and have the keys to heaven. No, what I know now is merely a dim image in the mirror.
- Like trying to qualify events with my own justifications: speculating by my own intellect how things were supposed to be, and how things should be in the near future.
- Like still being selfish in enacting love: I say hello to you, so you must say hello to me; and while you're at it, I expect an interest of 4%- that meaning, a smile to go along with it.
- Like going back to the old (cotian) theory of closed cliques and having differentiated levels of relationships for different people.
- Like still being engrossed with the old technicalities i.e. the chocolates, the frequency of meetings, and the labels of International Friendship Day or Valentines Day. St Valentine was martyred because he was actually helping Christians; NOT because he was an amorous cupid with nothing better to do in heaven but shoot arrows and make people drunk in passionate romantic love.
- Like being happy-go-lucky with work. Conscientiousness is key I guess, too much is bad for the health, but too little makes you fat.
- Like over-prioritizing personal idealizations and campaigns. I know helping and loving is cool, is an ideal, and is also a duty- but remember your current vocation please. Remember, first to Bata than to Skool.
So then, I'm pretty stuck at square 1 for now I guess.
The talk last Friday after Mass spoke about Grace being the key to salvation, and all acts of goodness, especially love. On the flip side, it is mortal sins- that being grave acts done in full knowledge and consent that would send us sprialing off to damnation. In light of that, what's pertinent now I guess is to identify Grace and hug her (any puns to characters, living or dead, is purely coincidental) like some disorientated koala to a tree.
This won't come easy, and despite the lighthearted analogy, the full truth of actually being gracious (in His Grace) is indeed something I should put more serious consideration into. In fact, serious consideration ought to be placed on all of the above points, especially the ones that include selfish pride and old habits. Indeed, Grace will be needed to overcome these weaknesses, and yet Grace is not something I can will for based on my own pride and reasoning. Prayers will come in- personal and intercessory alike. Most importantly, I will never be able to state I am indeed gracious enough to have already taken the next step forward, but only continue taking small steps ahead-
What is the next step? I'll cut less on my theoretical speculations now, and this false belief I have written out exactly what I am going to change. I'll start from these, nevertheless- and with His Grace, I'll try not to sin again. Back on the light side, since one of the things to improve is doing tutorials conscientiously, so please smack me if you see me skiving. With a bit of grace, or mojo, I'll definitely be gracious for that.
=D
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