Metamorphosis

Many people suffer from a lack of self identification and actualization. Sometimes I wish I was in their place....

Before 7 months ago I was naive and ignorant. I didn't know nuts about myself, except that I was a third rate student that has been scraping past examinations all my life. My social life was in quite a mess (although there were great people whom really helped along the way), I was very much one with my personal world of stories and music, kept looking up upon others and wondering when can I ever match up to their high flying lifestyles. I stuck with the little world that had remained after much transition, and enjoyed myself all the same.

So I wished I had that better life I was always looking up upon. My own was fun, but was never enough. I thought I was the weird one out, and wished for an ordinary one instead. From there came and went project re-affirmation, then the whole world changed.

It started simple- i just wanted the high flying ordinary life: that simple upgrade in status, and a reason more to smile and love. Yet it spun off shortly after when more and more theories came into play. Suddenly, what I had inadverently acquired then during the next few months was one of pure utter reformation beyond description. I wanted a good life where I could be in peace with myself, and yet I suddenly saw that philosophical theory that denotes the objective life that religion and philosophy had been advocating to for millenia.

Do you want the red pill or the blue pill? The red pill brings you further down the rabbit hole, the blue pill brings you back to bed with a splitting headache and a bad dream...

So what have I become? A total psycho, screaming from a social desert a sermon of objectivity and change, stumbling towards a vision of originality and truth that nobody else but myself can see. The same person, still single and weak, this time with a personal burdern of such insight yet incompetance. I see reason beyond reason, and I see the futility of it all. I see entertainment and enjoyment, fleetingly, that humans were bestowed yet abused. I see the world as a system now, this unchanging vision that will not part me till my death, and yet I know I should not freak out my peers and old friends. I see myself changing so radically in personality and thinking, and then I get afraid.

Of course such insight goes beyond the superficial thinking that I am being critical of the world as a system. In truth I know that I have actually transcended such a phase, to a knowledge and appreciation that as much as I have a governing lesion to the world I am too a part of this world. I appreciate my role within this world, the joys and ontological stimulations my individuality brings about. A player and a critic, the fool who said hes wise, and the wise who knows that self praise would ultimately end him up as the fool. I don't daresay I am wise by being capable of the abovementioned. I can't daresay I was the same fool I was anymore.

Would it help if I were to go on this path of madness and utter Moderation? Is there a divine plan that has allowances for me to be as such? Or is ther no fate but what we make? Then and again if I was conferred free will, was my will no more than wishful thinking all along? Then why the uncanny correlation of my newly values and the bible suddenly when I had started out a search for a happy life instead of a search for God? Why then the correlation with philosophy? That one subject that sounds cool and asks the big questions in life and yet accomplishes the littlest of things? What should I do ultimately? I can't possibly stop now, its impossible to unlearn and just drop the whole idea...

They call this the divine plan, the calling, I had asked around for help... some even went on and alluded it to prophecy. I don't think I am worthy of such noble deeds, I was the kid who took a wrong turn off the block and ended in the Mafia's hideout. Yet I cant turn back to my old world and just drop the whole idea. I looked back at those memories familiar to me before- my ignorant actions, wishful thinkings, and superficial emotions. I had enjoyed myself then, no matter how stupid they were, and I regret being unable to go back to those times again.

I look at people I used to be able to talk cock with, I once showed utmost sincerity talking to them, outpouring my full individuality and character (because I knew nothing but cock). I mean I can still talk cock with them, given that my current insight allows me to be both a critic and a participant; but deep within me I know that a coversation of pure cock will no longer illicit my full character as it once did anymore- there is this new part of me, that critical aspect I had learnt over the past 7 months, that I cant possibly share without scaring off anybody (including myself). And a life of just sharing certain parts of yourself with different people, is not something that I would call sincere and to the heart.

Hence me screaming- please accept me for who I am, and not form impressions about me. I hope I have not freaked anybody out yet, and I certainly do not want to freak anybody out, as much as I do not want to freak out myself. As then, I would of course look for that One who could complement my current cognition and identity to the fullest, and in the meantime I would be focusing on higher academics and repaying my society in due time.

This is Jesse speaking from the bottom of his heart, if there is any point in time I had sounded snobbish or self centered, I apologise once again.


*


Damn, sometimes I want to go back to the past, but I know I wouldn't want to. Its getting harder to slip into wishful thinking now that you know what wishful thinking is eh?

Balls....

Arh... what the hell Jesse, why the outplay of emotions?

Then and again- would it be any good if I had put up a facade?

Or puch the blame to society and say the world is stupid?

I can't, I love them...

And yet I love myself....

....

nvm

some like minded bitch will come and tell me what to do in future....

LOL

=)