Today saw to the first fruits of labour- I managed to complete a quiz that I studied for two days ago. I know that the past few quizzes (and lab reports) had been really smooth sailing for me, even though there were times I really doubted my potential. Nevertheless, I am thankful for all the assistance I have received along the way. Cheers.
Insofar, this semester has been great. The past three months isn't what I might call "high-flying" or "smooth sailing", but if there is a phrase for it I guess I would say it's indeed a time like never before. How is it so exactly? Its really hard to describe I guess. But as I take a break today from all the studying this evening and sit back enjoying missed out episodes on YouTube over a cup of iced Milo, I guess it would only be meaningful for me to end this with something retrospective.
May ended with a serious bout of cognitive dissonance and a general hatred towards university. I could have recalled myself posting increasingly random excerpts on this domain, and some of them were so offensive I did not even dare post them myself. I hated the way of life- the bell curve, the incomprehensible lectures and the ungainly tutorials, and much above it I really couldn't connect with the people I hang out with. Critical thinking and writing in special semester was too disappointing- I really thought that it was the place I may finally let off some steam idealistically, but was told that I have to scale them down and only focus whats at hand. In the end what I had left was just a formulative criticism of essays whose issues were about sex and engineering failures and unscrupulous bureaucrats. Truthfully, I thought that this semester would be a continuation of this nightmare, and I had a few discussions with my parents to just quit school and re-apply into a different course.
So I started august a little apprehensive. FOC had brought about some light to university life, and like a moth to a lightbulb I was drawn towards the community. Well, it wasn't easy to commit, even though it just meant hanging on every wednesday evening to just smile sincerely at people. But looking back at what Xam and I had shared over the years- whats really left to do after all the emo-ing and complaining and denying and hating and derogating was to really stop expecting affirmations but to enact it in the first place. Moreover, I was aware that I might be too imposing on my idealistic cognitive developments. Scaring people away is so NOT cool.
August transited on to September. All the bad habits developed in JC carried forward, and after the initial two tutorials I simply stopped downloading those questions altogether. Yet the assignments latched onto me like a disgruntled koala. Mondays were CE2407 assignments, and Fridays were CE2134's. Yet I perservered on with my fifth module- social psych. The entire module, frankly speaking, was an expansion of my old project. So every chapter something I could directly correlate with. Projects came and went, and I kinda enjoyed the hands-on sections. Still, it was not exceptional.
Yet it was October that got me thinking. On the academic side, October was the time I really started to get focused with my studies. Lala land is passe, and its about time to stop pussy-footing around with my ideals and aspirations. Yet on a personal side, the Patrician meeting brought me to a realization that what I had should really not be buried away just because I want to be accepted as a 'normal human' with 'normal concerns'. Yes, it's unorthodoxical for a twenty one year old to battle head-on with terror-management theory people only worry about when they turn fifty, or utilize statistical concepts to contemplate about free-will. But the fact remains that whats done has been done, and most importantly, will eventually be done.
What does this mean?
I don't think I can write an 'emotional' post. I had my fair share of emo-ing back in JC2 on this blog, and on the old diaries I keep then. Neither may I write another philosophical post: I do not need any further self-persuasion on who I am, and what I ought to be. What I type here today is perhaps personal, informal, yet very saturated with information and ideological connotations. This being a product of moderation of the two lifestyles I had experienced, each with their ups and downs.
And it is precisely what this semester is essentially- a moderation between the experiences in JC- the lighheartedness, materialistic emotiveness, ignorance in expression and halcyon; as well as the experiences in factual representation, exposition, personal idealism, and the higher connotations. In essence, this semester was that personal revival of positive attitudes that people are innately beautiful lost back then. However this time I know these words are no longer flowy, groundless hallucinations that the world is sunflowers and rainbows. The backing to these attitudes are real, substantial, and far-reaching.
There will, very soon, come a time when these posts on my attitudes to this world will eventually end. I am not worried if I may discontinue these excerpts and head on to the other aspects- say: a job or a new commitment. After all, it is eventual for these words and ideals to eventually manifest themselves as concrete actions of truth and meaning. This domain (blog) has indeed served it's primary purpose in penning down personal thoughts as it was intended to be. Till then, what has been lived has been appreciated, and whats there to do will always be convicted.
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