Hope

you know something? I am not backing down.

Not when the odds are immensely stacked against me. Not when there seemingly seems to be no way out of this vicious cycle of intellectual stress and emotional emptiness. Not when what's left of the once influential project RN(T) is now a remnant hope for a future that I cannot fathom beyond tomorrow.

I don't know what is driving me on this war against my academics and my estranged social life. Time after time I fall, weakened, begging for this madness to stop and for a resthaven I may take intellectual and emotional refuge within. Every evening I would come home, exhausted by this onslaught of adversity and wishing I was never here. Every Morning I walk out of the house again with my head up high and hoping this day is better than the previous one.

Is this the strength of faith and hope? Or is it an indication of the potency of human delusion? Then and again, what differentiates hope from wishful thinking? Is it the fact that 'hope' banks on the self belief that the objective better would come one day? Is it the fact that 'faith', instead of an illogical judgement made by guesswork and beliefs, is actually something that transcends the limits of logic? If it is, is it the reason why I am still convicted to go on even if logic is screaming for me to just give up?

Or is it me and my deranged ideas, ultimately?

I don't think I am illogical, even if I may jokingly announce that I am a deranged person from time to time. My ideals- on the Moderation Doctrine, Living Best and the Meaning of life, have been proven to hold even after 9 months. Although they may seem warped and extremistic, they have seen through too much re-affirmations and good sense to be considered merely as wishful thinking. I was not joking when I hypothesized that education was for my self improvement and my future contribution to society, and it was from here the conviction to learn and teach had rooted from. henceforth, if education is for me, and i am for education- and all of these hold true, I cannot hate what I am studying right now.

So not matter how much I may complain and grumble about the unfair onslaught of pain and stress, I can never say that I do not want to study anymore. And no matter how much I just want to drop the idea and move on to a better tomorrow, I cannot just give up my education.

As for my estranged social life, I guess there is litte way out. Project RN was originally aimed for a development in both intellectual and social domains to an idealistic living best; but we would have to know that truth was never meant to be warped to the self. In other words i cannot garuntee an objective better tomorrow just because I say so- and to my personal convictions must be added the re-affirmations of people around me. Indeed, this is the reason why we cannot persuade anybody to conform to our beliefs unless they themselves wish to make a change. Yes- I keep iterating that this world lacks love, but there is little that I can do to change the system. The only way is to continue enacting genuine acts of concern and kindness, to share myself with others, and hope that one day they may be inspired to reciprocate this act and affirm that change from the subjective to the objective.

After all, isn't that the stand that the Church does in this world of vice and hypocracy? the continue forgiving and love our neighbours in hope of their conversion.....

So much I can no insofar- I believe that there is still a better tomorrow, just that there is no one to affirm now so these ideals lay latent. The belief that Education is for me and that I am for education, the belief that the world is meant for diversity via personality and unity via love. And the belief that while these ideals have yet to come there is always a hope and faith, deep within our hearts even at the darkest hour, for a better tomorrow.

I am still hoping; affirm me.