This post is an personal introspection into the LimSYJe timeline, created circa June 2004, on the various phases of life. The timeline was dated at the 4th age at it's point of creation, after the 3rd age of early secondary education, and before the 5th age of education in the Junior College. Since many predictions have been made for the ages to come- especially in the 5th and 7th ages, where college and university life ensures. Plans for academic excellence, social widening and personal achievements came aplenty. The original plan was to get to AJ, reunite and excel academically and socially- be admitted into the faculty of science at the National University of Singapore five years later, and from there see to graduation and employment.
Five years on and looking back, much of what was predicted didn't exactly turned out as planned, but manifested accordingly nevertheless. I had been offered a place back in CJ, after rejecting AJ (and a multitude of JC-hopping). My results crashed- and throughout 2005 and 2006 I had been chasing a concept I could never fully grasp. I blamed, sulked, and shut up altogether towards the end. I couldn't wait for the 5th age to end, the 6th age (army) to never come, and the 7th age to become tomorrow.
Yet it was in the 6th age I may finally have exposure to the fundamentals on that one concept I could not grasp- It was not in ORD-ing, or 'transition of circumstances' (rephrased in light of transition theory), or 'hitting checkpoints' where true change and progress may be found. Rather, it has always been about the self- the attitudes, mindset, and the 'transition in heart' that is the biggest change. With that realization, as well as the creation of the reaffirmation project (a.k.a. Project RN), that transition into the 7th age ensured. The whole idea of the 7th age was to fully realize the living best, transcribe it into convicting actions, and from there re-visit that life of excellence I had failed to achieve back in the 5th age.
And of course, those plans have a nasty habit of not turning out as planned.
Was it within expectation? I had written a little more than 100 000 words of theory on the living best over two projects. Visited half the philosophy section of my library- picked up psychology, and merged physics, mathematics with music and arts under one general theory called balance. All of these were way out of expectation, and initial plans to seek consultation from 'more adapt peers' had dropped subsequently. Basically I had arrived at this spot in life where few had ventured before- and the only people I could understand were probably elders, philosophers, and Jesus.
That was what happened in the 7th age- and despite the periodic complaint of the lack of re-affirmation, I guess I could finally say that I belong. I entered the faculty of engineering instead, and got wobbly results- save for physics and psychology (no prizes for guessing why). Yet I never had that much needed re-affirmation I had envisioned; instead I lost quite a lot of people along the way. They had all thought I was going totally off tangent- they blamed it on transition, and I knew better.
The animosity between the real and the ideal tantamount throughout 2009, and by the beginning of 2010 I guess I finally broke. On one hand lay enough personal conviction to save lives, and on the other hand lay a life desperately in need of purpose. Rach-Nat became the convictor, embodiment of my personal conviction. The plan was to reunite the self, by first splitting the self, treating it as two, and reuniting the two in love. Should the theory of communion hold, then in 'true love' two may become one, and the two irreconcilable sides of the self may be reunited again.
Even as the plan worked out better than expected (there is no councelling session that could reunite the self faster than Rach could), all of these were spiralling way out of initial plan of seeking the living best. In short, the 7th age was nowhere near where it was supposed to be, or rather, the visions for the 7th age was nowhere near where things are manifesting. The 7th age was meant to be fun, meaningful and something I could sit down and laugh off at the end of the day with a cup of iced lemon tea, not something perculiar, unprecendented, and great- to the point I never knew what I was actually doing except for the fact that it has to be right. Moreover, by the way things were manifesting, there can be no end to the 7th age- after all, the madness never ends- and the animosity never gets weaker.
Someone stop this madness....
Today, I guess much of these madness have seemed to died down after the initial hype. Rach-Nat no longer lives arbitrarily outside the self, and I can daresay I feel much more than I could ever before having this voice of reason (something I could really say belongs to me) constantly at my side. I have successfully merged this personal philosophy (for the living best) and my existing Catholic beliefs into one personal religion (in Love), so the fanatic introspections into general philosophy to keep developing new theories have ended, and my writings for Project RN(T) are not as frequent as before. I have officially picked up drawing, and happy-go-lucky-anime, and enjoy them on the same level as how I would enjoy something deep and thought-proboking. I make music, and I write occasionally, keeping my old character by myself, although most of the incorrect older beliefs (i.e. transition theory) were scrapped to the point I may not recognize my old method of reasoning. In short, I did achieve that level of personal balance I had envisioned back in the 6th age- it was not universal, as I would like everybody to conform to initially, but it was definitely where I would want myself to be.
And I don't want this goodness to end because I may not achieve social reaffirmation yet. yes, I am aware of the possible areas of improvement, and I have yet to reach that level of balance I may be totally in tune with the cosmos. But I definitely do not want to forsake this, in which I may collate as the 7th age, in search of greater 'plans' that otherwise turn out to be selfish agendas undermine what goodness had developed insofar.
The 7th Age- a place I never wanted to be, or even expected myself to become from the start. But yet that very place I may finally sit back and admit that I truly belong- not to the world, we definitely do not belong to any convention, mindset, or norms; but rather to myself, so that what I may be may only become solely because of me.
Alright, enough happy ranting, its time to focus back on the Hirasawa Genius- and we've got a Les Paul Gibson to go.
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