Halcyon

Funny, if I should consider it this way: why do we always like to be wallowed within our past lifestyles and all those 'good old days' when we keep thinking our current life is one of utmost boredom and monotony? After all, if you were to consider this very thought, like say- five minutes from now, wouldn't your 'current trashy lifestyle' be one more memory to that 'glorious old days' you keep perceiving your past to be? Extrapolate this thought once more, and are we concluding that our present lifestyles are and will always be lesser than our past?

Sounds really deranged down here. But lets face it, many people are always entrapped within this vicious cycle of thoughts and memories, ( and whether they know it or not ) it seems always the hardest to even find the heart to appreciate the world and ourselves there and then at every point of our lives. Personally, I have yet to declare that I had been so open minded I had oversaw and gone beyond that mind-trap live that life of happiness and bliss in sacrosanct.

I'm very far from it, actually.

We had went out yesterday- for a little meal, and some catching up to do after that little physical split into our lives. The meal itself was superb: chunky pieces of chicken in some kind of green sauce that sinisterly resembled that soup of vegetation that was lying all around me while standing-two in a swamp during outfield. Tangy spaghetti in Bolognese sauce topped with mushrooms and coupled with salad ( freshly plucked vegetation from that swamp again ); a worthy bargain for twenty four bucks fifty, and definitely one more option open to hang out and eat in the future.

Yet there had been the catching up I had underestimated. After all, it had been nearly a year since the day we had last met and sat down for a decent meal together. A whopping twelve months, pushed back by those very hectic schedules of ours and phased out by much more pressing matters we had to settle for the past year: The military, the universities, the courses, the weekends burnt, and all the madness that had accompanied those regiments itself. Everybody had a story to tell that very night in that little restaurant, we did not leave the place until nearly midnight.

Thinking back today, I never expected all our lives to end up in such a situation.

In secondary school, they tell us to mug for our O levels, they told us that we are all going into Junior College and we are going to do whatever it takes to make sure that we enter that institution itself. People whom acquired anything short of a B3 were deemed losers. everybody had been tabulating and re-tabulating those little numbers that had accompanied their grades after every preliminary examination, praying that somehow those numbers would not exceed the number of fingers they had on their hands. In the end the O levels came and went, some people cried, some people died, some people went to JC and some people went nowhere at all. The exam hall looked like one great abattoir on the day of collection of results, life then could not have been any more terrible then.

Then in Junior College, they tell us to mug for our A levels ( which were actually something more like the revenge of the O levels ), they told us that only some would be going into the university and we have to do whatever it takes to make sure that we scramble into that institution itself. People whim acquired anything short of a B were deemed complete losers. Everybody didn't have numbers to tally for their prelims, so they tabulated the number of hours spent studying per day, praying somehow those numbers would exceed the number of fingers they had on their hands . In the end the A levels came and went, imposing even greater carnage than what its predecessor had inflicted. Some people cried, some people died, some people went into university and many more went nowhere at all. The exam hall looked like one great abattoir on the day of collection of results, life then could not have been any more terrible then.

Then even before we could enter the university, we were abducted by national security and had to do hard labour for minimal wages. They tell us to pass our SOC ( the A levels never seemed so laid back in comparison to this monster ), they told us that its nearly impossible to pass it and we have to do whatever it takes to make sure that we scramble behind the finishing line before the time's up. People whom acquired anything short of a 9.30 were just condemned. The number of hours tabulated on studying became the number of minutes on passing, and everybody had been praying somehow that those numbers would not ( again ) exceed the number of fingers they had on their hands. In the end SOC came and went, some people cried, many more died, pitiful numbers passed and had nights out and nearly everybody went nowhere at all. The SOC ground looked like one great abattoir on the day of the test, life then could not have been any more terrible then.

First the O levels, then the A levels, then SOC, each of which had made its predecessor so easy going and halcyon in comparison. It may seem light-hearted now, but definitely it had been something short of a laughing matter at that point of time. The uncertainty then, the fear of failing to get that desired result, the pain and the efforts evoked time after time to clear obstacle after obstacle, only to find oneself faced with another set of obstacles more menacing and challenging than ever. It would therefore be more than easy to just slip on that mindset to just live in denial over the past and wallow within events once past and may never return. Academically, physically, socially ( where relationships and acquaintances forged seemed ever more superficial and one-sided as time goes by ). I talked with them for three hours after dinner- laughing, smiling, concerning. It had turned out I had never talked that way to anybody for a very long time despite the fact that I had acquainted with so many people this entire year in comparison to those previous years...

What is going on? Aren't we supposed to appreciate each day as it comes? Each friend as we acquaint in our lives? Each obstacles which strengthens us more than ever to be that person we had always envisioned ourselves to be? Why is there now a feeling that our lives ( my life ) had seemed so much more complicated and yet paradoxically, empty in comparison with what we had been through?

University life is going to be tough- much more hectic than ever before, based upon those sketches we had drawn out yesterday. Much as I look forward to it right now as a NSF, I do not know whether this optimism would hold through that very day I stepped into those compounds itself. Perhaps, I would look back and find the military actually a rest haven from all these madness of this world ( and the vicious cycle goes on ), perhaps I might wallow in halcyon again, but much as I can do about it, I would definitely treasure these memories, past present or future; and attempt to live life pragmatically for the time being.