Many things had indeed happened since that very first day I had stepped out my home to another for the next two years of my life. Physical activities, outfields, tests, regiments, and a great deal of discipline that accompanied all of it. And truthfully speaking it had been a rather painful transition. Things that I could once do back home in the civilian world I cannot repeat in this new world of mine. Things I thought I couldn't do in my old home I kept doing in my new home: Doing pull-ups were one of the things, spewing profanities was another.
Then, now I am back to my old home again. Suddenly this onslaught of change had rendered me completely lost momentarily. I had always thought that a civilian life was to be on in complete freedom and bliss in comparison of this monstrous life of confinement and conformity, and yet again I had been wrong on that. Actually, the responsibilities that came with the freedom in this world were unnerving. People still wake up at 5.45 in the morning, people still work mindlessly- people still have to lead other people, and people still have to scold other people. Suddenly I do not see a difference between this old life and new life; apart for the pull-ups and those profanities, life between the two worlds were actually much similar. Suddenly that utopia I anticipated all along did not exist the way I wanted it to be.
Then and again, what do I want in the first place? If it was the same all along, then why the radical change?
I am on block leave from 13-26 December. I had returned from a holiday trip to Taiwan 4 days ago to enjoin my class in a chalet for 3 days up till yesterday. I go on a scenic tour, I do shopping, I eat A LOT, take some cool photos, and enjoy the cool air for seven days before heading back to the congeniality and comfort of my home and old friends- to more adventure, more enjoyment, and much more good food. I got tired on the third day, so we call it a day and went back to sleep to wake up finding out that its my birthday- then my aunt came over and gave me a guitar- which was something I had wanted all along yet never told anyone. Basically, I liked my civilian life- I wish I was a civilian till I ORD.
Pause that notion for a moment. Whats wrong?
Elementary. This is not civilian life. This is enjoyment. A normal civilian lifestyle does not encompass a routine holiday overseas and class chalets every other weekend or a cool birthday present every other day.
We book out every weekend expecting some sort of enjoyment in our life as a temporal civilian. Due to the amount of pressure and stress encountered in the life within the camp and with the system itself, we conveniently associated book out as reward, and will not satisfy unless we somehow do something enjoyable to reward ourselves at the end of the week. Ask anyone from the camp- most of his weekends would either be spent playing games or going out with his friends or doing zany stuff. Who would toddle up to the chin-up bar in his neighbourhood park and train for his pull-ups? Who would spend his weekend studying mindlessly or picking up a third language? Who in the right state of mind would wake up at 5.45 in the morning to eat breakfast?
Doing chin up for NAPFA, studying for prelims, waking up at 5.45 to go to school. Actually, we did that all in our civilian lives. We basically forgot all about it.
Its okay for now trying to enjoy ourselves on a weekend or on a block leave for as much as we can. Crudely, we are still paid for slacking, we deserve the break ( more or less ) for the amount of madness we had to endure for five days of our lives, and we have to give ourselves a pat on the back for having to so successfully evade weekend confinement for those past 120 hours. But definitely, such a work-reward lifestyle cannot be carried-forward beyond ORD into university or work at this degree. It'll be madness to stone in-front of the computer all Saturday morning when everybody else is researching some 3-inch thick textbook down at the library. It'll be out of question to wake up at 10.30 in the morning and sleep at 5.45 the next day watching a late night movie. And it'll be definitely suicidal to mull around and waiting for things to happen.
Co-operation with co-eds and teachers just like fellow soldiers and superiors. that 5.45 22.30 routine, those mindless muggings for stuff we never stop questioning the need to do it in the first place. And that dogged determination to start, carry it through and end this highly exhaustive lifestyle just like enduring till ORD to come. This time all without the hope of enjoying every weekend or during offs or leaves. That is the real civilian life. Its little wonder how many guys could not adapt and keep up with their peers in university or in the workforce. Some still sit around and wait for things to happen when most of their peers had already overtaken them. Some keep rewarding themselves they never start working in first place. Many never had the will power to start working. Suddenly, freedom becomes a conformity, and conformity in turn becomes freedom.
...Then they go halcyon on the army days- and the vicious cycle goes on...
This be a gentle reminder to all including myself. That life is not a bed of roses, whether it be military or civilian. To distinguish reward and work, and to warn about the possible mind-traps that may arise out of anticipation and imagination. To those whom know it already- good for you. To those that are still waiting for things to happen, welcome to the real world.
