Today I will not mention times and dates. Today I will not cross refer to past campaigns, collaborative projects, personal achievements or halcyonic experiences. Today I will not consider the aggregate of characteristics that I had always wield to define who I truly am. Simply speaking, today there ought to be nothing separating what I truly feel, be, and what is to become of this post.
Isn't it curious how things that are supposedly free can actually backfire and restrict you instead? Writing was my sense of freedom, and to this day lingers as the primary avenue of expression. Yet as the vocabulary developed the writing became more and more flowery. Simple reflections become easy-sounding excerpts, to excerpts of information, to academic writings. The original thoughts never come out properly, and the original purpose of these excerpts became obscured. Even as I type these words today I still face this disease; this unwanted by-product of my writing-style. No, they shall not carry on. I define the words I type.
And writing is just an example.
What is the real problem? Well, in truth it isn't exactly a problem to be solved. But neither is this a pointless rant of injustice. The issue is that I am in every way restricted to the person I ought to be, or at least, wish to be. I know this sounds hopeless, neurotic, and 'cheem' again. I do not ask for pardon in introspection this time- there is nothing to be ashamed of. The reason why this blog exists is primarily because of my innate need to reflect, and if I were to honeycomb my words even in this space and put on a facade that all is sunflowers and rainbows there will be no more reason to carry on this blog.
Yes, I am an idealist- not an idealist for objective truth (that is not my cup of tea), but rather for objective meaning. And stripping away the postulates and campaigns I have enshrouded this ideal into one can easily see that I do not seek solace in what the world offers today. Monetary matters do not concern me at all, which explains why I adopt a passive attitude to economics and business. Romance, chocolates and flowers are cool in their own respect- there was a time I believed in it, but as of all things materialistic I always demand to seek a higher meaning and significance within. One that is eternal, ideal, consummate, perfect. Put this in a Christian context, and the synonym is 'holy'.
But it is the fact that I am seriously restricted by all things material I cannot even properly enact my fundamental desires. Like how writing has hampered my true desire to express, no matter how developed it may be, many things I have come to see over the past few days has brought me to this realization that the cause of such restrictions actually stem from me- in the flesh.
This is not a battle of the intrapersonal selves. Psychology has something to say about this, and this phenomenon called self affirmation and self verification theories. But this is not the point I believe. I have faith in my understandings over the past few years, and I am aware of the ways on how exactly to change for the better if I willed so (quite a lot, but possible though). But that is where the problem lies- in my search for the ideal conviction and meaning to live I somehow become less and less convicted to believe that this is a realistic search. The ideals, as many have said before me, is illusory, no more than within the mind, and impractical. Whats more, they're unattainable, even unfathomable to many.
So bucket after bucket of iced water these 'reality-checks' drown out the conviction to actively change. What really is left to be is probably an empty shell, an lethargic and un-energetic self, quite unable to smile and do my part in bringing happiness (and meaning) to this world.
Yesterday I had joint celebrated my birthday, with another two of my friends, in a group of five. The statuses of of our acquaintanceship is quite unimportant, in relation to the fact that we are still relatively frequent in contact. I had a received a book and a card, on which was a couple of well wishes and testimonials on the good we have seen in each other. It was very heartwarming to see that it was meaning and God I had brought to others, instead of a possible alternative of just funk and laughter for the sake of extroversion. Yet as I bring into mind the increasing dousing of reality checks, there is an innate fear on what will actually happen if this conviction to meaning should subside.
What will happen if whats these restrictions onsets and burns away all goodness till what's residual is just bad habits, passiveness, a selfish persona, unmotivated to both the material and the ideal? A very 'sian' and 'nuah' person, switching between Facebook, YouTube and games, bored of life yet unwilling to productivities. Unhelpful in chores, with the only philosophy to maximize pleasure and minimize pain?
That would be the death of Jesse no doubt.
No, this will not happen. If there is any good all these campaigns, projects, achievements and experiences, it is the fact that it will be none but meaningless to sit here ranting away without any countermeasures in hand. There will be a need to reflect and wake up, and yes in this respect I'll be looking forward to the retreat, and the Taiwan trip. Much as I am now restricted by my lack of conviction, due to these buckets of cold water and my weak human nature. No- they do not serve to define me, just like how it is never my writing that denotes what I truly feel; but rather how I feel that defines what I write on this post.
With a bit of reminiscence, may I bring into mind that initial conviction-
From today, things are going to change... I promise.
(requoted, 21st December 2008, Nagoya-Singapore)
Enough. Now that things are back in place, and mindsets are properly re-orientated, now whats next is to go forth and seize the day, again.
